In the Moment: A Guide to Mindful Relationship Practices

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Life seems to demand so much of us lately, and in the midst of our busy lives, the essence of being fully present in the moment often gets lost. It’s no secret that our world is digitally-driven and because of that we might find ourselves continually multitasking with our minds racing from one thing to another. This lack of mindfulness can take a toll on various aspects of our lives, including our relationships. In this blog, we'll explore the significant impact mindfulness can have on relationships and how cultivating this practice can strengthen the connections we share with others.

The Importance of Mindfulness in Relationships

If you’re unsure of what practicing mindfulness is, it’s the art of being fully engaged in the present moment, free of judgment. This means that your awareness is brought to what is happening right in front of you free of labels, criticism, or evaluation of what you are experiencing. It involves accepting things as they are, without the interference of preconceived thoughts or opinions. 

When we apply mindfulness to our relationships, it becomes a powerful tool that can transform the way we connect with others and even ourselves. Distractions are abundant, however if we allow ourselves to engage in the present within our relationships we can bring our attention back to the here and now which cultivates a deeper and more meaningful connection. 

The Role of Mindful Communication

Communication is the foundation of any secure relationship and by incorporating mindfulness we can significantly enhance the quality of our communication by promoting active listening and genuine engagement. Oftentimes, we might find ourselves formulating a response in our minds while the other person is speaking, leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection. 

Mindful communication involves truly listening to the other person, absorbing their words, responding thoughtfully, and gently communicating any misunderstanding. By being fully present in the conversation, there is respect that is demonstrated creating an environment where both people feel heard and understood. When we are fully engaged in the conversation it can dissolve conflicts, strengthen emotional bonds, and create a deeper sense of intimacy.

Mindfulness in Conflict Resolution

Every relationship faces challenges, and conflicts are inevitable. However, how we navigate and resolve these conflicts can make a significant difference in the strength of our connections. Mindfulness equips us with the ability to approach conflicts with a calm and centered mindset.

When conflicts come up, you can take a moment to breathe and center yourself before responding, by doing this you can support in preventing impulsive reactions that may further exacerbate the situation. 

We all want our emotions and thoughts to be acknowledged and validated. If you practice mindfulness, it can allow you to acknowledge our emotions without being overwhelmed by them. If we engage with the overwhelming emotions during a conflict it tends to get messy. However, by being fully present in the process, you can understand the other person's perspective and work together towards a solution that strengthens your relationship with them.

Cultivating Empathy Through Mindfulness

Have you ever desired that someone could just read your mind? They would know exactly what you need at that moment, right? Unfortunately, that isn’t reality, however, cultivating empathy, could be that component you’re looking for. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The practice of mindfulness plays a major role in learning to cultivate empathy by encouraging us to step into the shoes of those that we love and experience their emotions with an open heart.

When you’re present with them it allows you to pick up on the subtle cues, both verbal and non-verbal, that the other person might be giving off. This heightened awareness allows you to respond with compassion and understanding. By doing this you create a supportive and nurturing environment within the relationship you care about. 

Nurturing Self-Awareness for Better Relationships

Mindfulness is not only about being attuned to others but also about developing self-awareness. Being able to understand your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions is fundamental to building secure relationships. When we are mindful of our own internal landscape, we can navigate the intricacies of our relationships more effectively.

Through mindfulness practices such as meditation and self-reflection, you can gain perspective into your own patterns and emotional triggers. If you allow yourself to cultivate this self-awareness, it can empower you to break free from habits that might stifle you and make room for personal growth. 

Final Thoughts 

The practice of mindfulness offers a holistic remedy for the challenges we face in our relationships. By cultivating a present and mindful approach to life, we can enhance communication, navigate conflicts with grace, and create a deeper sense of empathy and connection with the world around us. Mindfulness is not just a personal journey but it affects the experiences we encounter on a daily basis and can transform the dynamics of relationships, making them more resilient, fulfilling, and secure. 

If you find that you need support navigating mindfulness or your relationships, consider speaking with a holistic therapist. Holistic therapists offer their support to engage your mind, body, and spirit. CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation with one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy today!  

Affirmations for Cultivating Mindful Relationships

1. I approach conversations with openness and curiosity, seeking to understand rather than to be understood.

2. I am fully present in this moment, giving my undivided attention to the person in front of me.

3. I release judgment and cultivate compassion, allowing others and myself the space to grow and evolve.

4. I am committed to self-awareness, recognizing and understanding my own emotions and patterns for the benefit of our connection.

5. I express gratitude for the shared moments, big and small, that contribute to the strength and depth of our relationship.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on relationship growth, check out these books below:

1. "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman

2. "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray

3. “The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John Gottman

4. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

5. "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert

6. "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown

7. "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff 

8. "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown

9. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach

10. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

Caring for the Soul: How Boundaries Fuel the Self-Care Journey

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the hustle culture of life, where demands seem endless and the pace is relentless, the concept of boundaries is becoming more and more prevalent. When many of us hear the word boundaries we probably consider them as a strategy for creating physical space, yet they go beyond just that. Have you ever considered that boundaries are a way to show yourself compassion or that utilizing boundaries is a form of self-care? 

Not only do boundaries have the ability to create physical space, but they also create mental and emotional space as well. Boundaries can also be utilized when cultivating a secure relationship with yourself. In this blog, we will explore the ways to mindfully incorporate boundaries into every aspect of your life. 

Understanding Boundaries Through a Mindful Lens

\Cultivating mindfulness establishes an awareness that will support you in every aspect of your life. Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and aware of the current moment. We call it a practice because, with every new adventure or obstacle in life, you will find that in new seasons you might need to shift the way you approach things. When living mindfully you will find that creating limits, such as boundaries, involves a conscious and deliberate approach. And to be honest, it’s not always easy. You will begin to learn your limits, where to place the boundaries, or where to let things slide, however, It’s all about finding balance within yourself. 

Self Discovery Through Mindful Boundaries

Mindfulness encourages self-awareness, which enables you to recognize your needs, desires, and limits. When you take the time to reflect on personal values, preferences, and places of comfort, you’re able to start creating boundaries that reflect your authentic self. This process of self-discovery is actually an act of self-compassion. By acknowledging your unique qualities you start to value them enough to protect and nurture them which in turn is acknowledging how valuable you are. 

Compassion in Saying “NO”

Setting boundaries often involves saying 'no' to certain demands, commitments, or situations, which can be challenging for many people. When you evaluate the situation and determine that it doesn’t align with your needs or find that you don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to fulfill the demand, this 'no' becomes an act of self-compassion rather than a rejection. By mindfully saying 'no', you communicate that your well-being is a priority, cultivating a sense of self-respect and self-love.

Balancing Empathy and Boundaries

Empathy is a cornerstone of compassion, both towards others and oneself. Cultivating mindful boundaries creates a balance between empathy and self-preservation, showing that you can be compassionate without sacrificing your personal well-being. For those naturally inclined towards empathy, tend to absorb the emotions and needs of others to the detriment of one's own mental and emotional health. Cultivating these mindful boundaries allows you to empathize with others without becoming overwhelmed. Creating this awareness allows you to know when to engage and when to create a gentle barrier to safeguard your emotional equilibrium.

Self-Compassion in Conflict

When on your on your self-discovery journey you might find that boundaries often come into play during conflicts or challenging conversations. Navigating these situations mindfully involves approaching conflicts with compassion. Instead of viewing boundaries as walls, consider them as bridges that enable open communication while still preserving personal well-being. When you practice mindfulness in conflict, you can foster understanding and compassion for yourself and the other person or persons involved. 

Recognizing Burnout Signals

As you journey through the practice of mindfulness, you’ll begin to become more attuned to the present moment and move through it without judgment or distraction. When this happens you’ll become more aware of the things that trigger any overwhelm or burnout in its early stages. This will allow you to become more proactive in placing those boundaries to prevent the stress from taking over and allow you the opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. 

Practical Tips for Mindful Boundary SettinG

1. Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to assess your emotional and mental state. What are your current needs and limits?

2. Communicate with Clarity: When setting boundaries, communicate with clarity and honesty. Articulate your needs and limits in a way that cultivates understanding. However, we want you to know that it’s ok if others don’t understand. What matters is that you and your well-being feel secure. 

3. Practice Saying 'No': Saying 'No' is an essential aspect of setting boundaries. Although this can be challenging for many people practice doing so with kindness and assertiveness.

4. Reevaluate and Adjust: Life is dynamic, and so are your boundaries. It’s okay to check in with yourself, reassess your limits, and adjust them as needed. 

Final Thoughts

Through the practice of mindfulness, you can discover, communicate, and uphold boundaries that not only protect your well-being but also nurture a compassionate relationship with yourself and others. By recognizing the interplay between empathy, present-moment awareness, and the setting of boundaries, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

We understand that communication, self-discovery, and establishing boundaries can be complex and even challenging. If you are finding that you need support in these areas, consider working with a therapist. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are committed to seeing you heal, grow, and thrive in life. If you are interested in working with one of our therapists, CLICK HERE to schedule a free consultation today!

Affirmations for Creating Mindful Boundaries 

1. My boundaries are a reflection of my self-respect and commitment to well-being.

2. I trust my instincts to guide me in establishing healthy and mindful limits.

3. I am worthy of the peace and harmony that mindful boundaries bring to my life.

4. My boundaries are flexible and adaptive, allowing me to grow while maintaining balance.

5. I release guilt when saying 'no,' knowing that it is an expression of self-love.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on boundaries and self-growth , check out these books below:

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

2. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown 

3. "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine

4. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer

5. "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" by Allison Bottke 

6. "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" by Melody Beattie 

7. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

8. "The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time" by Cheryl Richardson

9. "Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free: The Ultimate Guide to Telling the Truth, Creating Connection, and Finding Freedom" by Nancy Levin

10. "The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness" by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

The Communication Blueprint: Enhancing Communication and Emotional Connection

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a conversation and felt like you were speaking two different languages? Or maybe you were trying to convey your feelings to someone, but they seemed completely unable to grasp the depth of your emotions? Communication, despite being an integral part of our everyday lives, can often be one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. Whether it's with a partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, how we communicate can profoundly impact the quality of our connections. Humans are inherently social beings and creating connections is vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Having secure relationships can provide a sense of safety, trust, and support, which cultivates a stable foundation for navigating life's challenges. When we feel emotionally secure with those in our lives, we experience reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. 

These types of relationships can foster open communication, empathy, and validation, which allows us to express ourselves freely without fear of judgment. The emotional connection and understanding we find in secure relationships promote feelings of belonging and importance which can boost our self-esteem and a sense of purpose. Having someone to lean on when you’re going through a hard time can create a buffer against emotional confusion and promote resilience that you can carry with you. In short, secure relationships nourish our mental health, helping us thrive emotionally and lead fulfilling lives. In this blog, we will give you the tools to improve your communication skills and create a deeper connection with yourself and those around you. 

The Communication Blueprint

1. Active Listening - Active listening is a foundational skill for effective communication. Many of us may believe we are good listeners, but true active listening goes beyond just hearing words. It involves giving your full attention to the person talking, maintaining eye contact, and showing genuine interest in what they are saying. Try to avoid interrupting or formulating responses while the other person is speaking; instead, focus on understanding their perspective before reacting.
   

2. Use "I" Statements - When discussing sensitive or emotional topics, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, say "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This simple shift in language helps prevent blame and defensiveness, creating a safer space for open dialogue and understanding.
   

3. Empathy and Validation - Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Validating someone's emotions doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their feelings as real and legitimate. It fosters a sense of emotional support and reassurance, strengthening the emotional bond between individuals.
   

4. Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Cues - Communication isn't limited to spoken words; non-verbal cues play a significant role too. Be aware of what your body and facial expression are saying, they can convey emotions that words might not capture fully. Similarly, also be aware of the other person's non-verbal cues so that you can gain better insights into their feelings and reactions.
   

5. Timing is Everything -  This is a big one! Bringing up important discussions during stressful or emotional moments can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Be sure to choose an appropriate time and place for discussions that might require attention and emotional investment. It’s also wise to avoid discussing serious matters when one or both of you are tired, angry, or distracted.
   

6. Avoid the Blame Game - When conflicts arise, it can be so easy to point fingers and lay blame on the other person. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand and communicate with the mission of finding a solution together. Remember, it's not about winning an argument but working as a team to resolve conflicts.
   

7. Express Appreciation and Affection - Validating and affirming the other person is a powerful tool. It brings gratitude to your mind and it can fill the other person’s self-esteem tank. This can diffuse strong emotions both of you might be feeling. A simple "thank you" or a loving gesture can go a long way.
   

8. Seek Professional Help if Needed - Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication challenges persist. Seeking the help of a relationship therapist can be beneficial. They can provide valuable insights, facilitate productive conversations, and offer tools to enhance communication within the relationship that is unique to you and your situation.
   

9. Practice Patience - Improving communication in a relationship takes time and effort. Remember to be patient with yourself and the other person as you both learn and grow together. Do your best to avoid getting frustrated if progress seems slow; small steps toward better communication are still progress. 
   

10. Celebrate Differences - Remember that every individual is unique,  and views the world through their individual lens. Differences in communication styles are normal!  Embracing these differences rather than viewing them as obstacles can ground you in the midst of your conversations. The diversity in communication can offer new perspectives and opportunities for growth.

Final Thoughts

The significance of secure relationships for mental health cannot be overstated. These connections act as pillars of emotional stability, providing a safety where we can share our joys and vulnerabilities without judgment. The support, understanding, and trust found in these relationships can create a sense of belonging and acceptance that nurtures our self-esteem and well-being. When we prioritize creating secure relationships, we invest in a  journey of growth and self-discovery. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and in your relationships, Life By Design Therapy has a team of skilled therapists who are eager to work with you. They provide individualized care for each of their clients. If you would like to find out more information, CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation.

Additional Resources

1. “ 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

2. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

3. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

4. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

5. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

6. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

7. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

8. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

9. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

10. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Moving Forward Together: 5 Strategies to Working Through Conflict

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Conflict…some people embrace it, others run from it. However, we all know that conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Whether it's a disagreement with a friend, a spat with a family member, or tension with a colleague, conflicts can test the relationships we share with others. These moments, though, give us opportunities to learn, grow and deepen our connections with each other. Conflict resolution is not about seeking dominance or proving someone wrong; it is about creating a safe space where all of those involved can express themselves without fear of judgment and finding an outcome that feels comfortable. Communication that is rooted in compassion and empathy offers a pathway to open dialogue that moves us away from blame and toward resolution and connection. In this blog, we will explore 5 steps to work through conflict in your relationships in a constructive and healing way. 

Why is it Important to Resolve Conflicts? 

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. It is through communication that we express our thoughts, share our feelings, and develop a sense of understanding and belonging in society. Resolving conflicts isn't just about smoothing out rough patches in our relationships; it impacts our mental health and well-being. Conflicts that continue to go unaddressed can lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, and frustration. These emotions can take a toll on our mental health, which can lead to sleep disturbances, mood disorders, and even a weakened immune system. 

On the other hand, actively working through conflicts can create a sense of relief and empowerment. When we address conflicts with open communication, empathy, and non-judgment we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. This self-awareness contributes positively to our mental health, cultivating a deeper sense of emotional resilience and self-confidence.

5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Start With Your Feelings - When you start your discussion, take a moment to reflect on how you felt during the conflict. Were you hurt, frustrated, or anxious? Share your emotions honestly and openly with the other person, using "I" statements to express yourself without blaming or criticizing. Remember that acknowledging your feelings is not a sign of weakness; it's a way to communicate your vulnerability and create a safe space for the other person to do the same.
   
   

2. Share Your Experience - Share your experience of the situation, by describing what happened from your perspective. Be specific and avoid making assumptions about the other person's intentions. Focus on the actions or words that triggered the conflict, and how they made you feel. Actively listen when the other person shares their experiences, giving them the same respect and understanding you desire.
   
   

3. Identify Your Triggers - Identify the specific triggers that contributed to the conflict. Triggers can be anything that brings up intense emotions or reminds you of past hurts. By understanding your triggers, you can communicate them to the other person, helping them be more mindful of their actions. Avoid assigning blame; instead, explain how certain actions or words affected you due to past experiences.
   
   

4. Take Responsibility For Your Part - Taking responsibility for our own actions and words is essential in resolving conflicts compassionately. Acknowledge any mistakes you made during the argument and be open to apologizing if necessary. Avoid being defensive and instead, strive to empathize with the other person's feelings and experiences. Remember that we all have flaws, and admitting them is a sign of strength and self-awareness.
   
   

5. Create a Plan - To prevent similar conflicts in the future, work together to create a plan that promotes understanding and empathy. Discuss ways to improve communication, such as active listening and using "I" statements to express feelings and needs. Establish boundaries that respect each other's triggers and commit to treating one another with compassion and empathy. If necessary, consider seeking the support of a mediator or counselor to help navigate challenging situations.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, resolving conflicts compassionately through empathic and open communication is an opportunity for growth and deeper connections with others. By focusing on your feelings, sharing experiences, understanding triggers, taking responsibility, and making plans for the future, we can transform conflicts into learning experiences and strengthen our relationships. Remember that conflict is a part of life, but how we approach and navigate it can make all the difference in our own emotional and mental health. Embrace compassion as a guiding principle in resolving conflicts, and you will pave the way for more meaningful relationships. Having someone to be an unbiased support can be beneficial as well. If you are struggling with communication or with relationships in your life, consider reaching out to one of our team members. You can schedule your free phone consultation HERE.

Additional Resources

1. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships” by Patrick King 

6. “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

8. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

10. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Embracing the Present: Exploring the Power of Mindfulness

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever had a season of life where you feel like your thoughts have taken over? Your peace is gone, anxiety is up, and maybe you feel frozen. This is more common than you think! It’s no secret that we live in a world that constantly demands our attention and pulls us in countless directions. It makes it almost impossible to remain in the present moment. However, there is power in embracing the present moment and living a mindful life. Cultivating mindfulness brings awareness, gratitude, and a deeper connection with ourselves and the world around us. So how exactly do we harness the power of the present moment? In this blog, we will explore the nature of mindful living and discover how embracing the power of the present moment can transform our lives.

What is mindfulness? 

At its core, mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the moment you’re in without creating judgment or attaching it to past or future events. It involves cultivating a state of increased awareness and acceptance, which allows us to experience life with more clarity and ultimately permits us to live with authenticity. Engaging in mindfulness encourages us to acknowledge and accept our thoughts, and emotions without trying to control or resist them. By engaging with the present, we can break free from the “autopilot mode” that can dominate our lives. Rather than being carried away by regrets of the past or consumed by anxieties of the future, we learn to anchor ourselves in the now. This anchoring empowers us to respond consciously to the circumstances of our lives, which cultivates resilience, peace, and self-awareness.

Mindfulness also involves establishing a compassionate and non-judgmental attitude toward ourselves and others. It invites us to observe our inner experiences with curiosity and kindness, without labeling them as good or bad. This non-reactive stance creates space for self-reflection, self-compassion, and the potential for personal growth and transformation. Mindful living is an ongoing journey of self-discovery where we consciously choose to dwell in the present moment. 

What are the Benefits of engaging in mindfulness?

There are many benefits to having mindfulness as a tool in your life. It can create a sense of calm and inner peace, which can reduce stress and anxiety. Mindfulness also enhances our emotional well-being by promoting self-compassion and acceptance which can pour over into our relationships. As we learn to listen attentively, communicate more effectively, and empathize with ourselves, we may find that our understanding and communication improve with those around us. Additionally, mindful living can boost our productivity and creativity by sharpening our focus and enabling us to engage fully in our tasks.

Ways to Practice mindfulness

Now that we’ve talked about the importance of engaging in mindfulness, I’m sure you’re wondering how to cultivate it. Here are a few tips to start your journey. 

1. Practice Gratitude: Regularly expressing gratitude creates a positive mindset and shifts your focus to the present moment. You can do this by journaling or starting your day by finding 3 things to be grateful for.
   

2. Using Breathing Techniques: Take a few moments each day to focus on your breath, observing its natural rhythm. You can even perform different breathing techniques such as box breathing, alternating nostril breathing, or deep breathing. This simple practice helps anchor your awareness in the present moment and also allows you to connect with what your body might be telling you as well.
   

3. Become Aware Of Your Senses: When you pause and pay attention to the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and textures you can fully engage with your environment and embrace each sensory experience.
   

4. Non-judgmental Observation: When you notice your thoughts and emotions without judgment you can let them come and go. This allows you to detach yourself from those thoughts and emotions and develop a deeper understanding of what you might be experiencing internally.
   

5.  Go to a Holistic Therapist: Engaging with a Holistic Therapist will give you a support system and the tools you need to learn more about mindfulness and self-awareness. Living mindfully can be challenging for some, and having this safe, supportive space can create confidence and accountability to encounter the self-growth you desire. 

Final Thoughts

In a world that often pulls us away from the present, mindfulness allows us to find peace and fulfillment. It’s not something that can just be flipped on, it's an ongoing journey. By embracing this practice, we can discover a profound sense of joy and purpose. If you are ready to engage in this transformative path and cultivate a life filled with mindful awareness, reach out to one of our therapists today. You can schedule a free consultation HERE. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness, check out the resources below!

1. Stop Overthinking: 23 Techniques to Relieve Stress, Stop Negative Spirals, Declutter Your Mind, and Focus on the Present by Nick Trenton

2. "Mindfulness for Beginners: Reclaiming the Present Moment and Your Life" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

3. Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

4. The Healing Power of Mindfulness: A New Way of Being" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

5. "Wherever You Go, There You Are: Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

6. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay

7. The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle

8. "Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness" by Jon Kabat-Zinn

9. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach

10. Think Like a Monk: Train Your Mind for Peace and Purpose Every Day by Jay Shetty 

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Surviving Burnout: Tips for Thriving in a Fast-Paced World

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you feel like you are empty, lacking motivation, and mentally exhausted? More than likely you are experiencing burnout. Unfortunately, life keeps pushing forward, and it becomes difficult to pour from an empty cup. This can become very overwhelming for many. You might desire a break to be filled again, but if you lack the opportunity for that break, what can you do to fill your cup again? In this blog, we will provide you with the tools to refresh even when you don’t have the opportunity to truly slow down. 

What is Burnout? 

Burnout is a feeling where your mental and emotional state is depleted and it becomes exhausting to even perform basic day-to-day tasks. The feeling of burnout can be caused by many things such as your job, home life, financial hardships, personal problems, or a combination of these. It can have a significant impact on your daily life, leading to feelings of frustration, irritability, and disengagement from work or personal relationships. It's incredibly common to feel overwhelmed and depleted especially when you’re constantly putting others before yourself.

What Can You Do To Support Yourself? 

If you're experiencing burnout, you must recognize the symptoms and take steps to prevent it from negatively impacting your daily life. Here are some practical strategies to help you cope with burnout:

1. Take Time For Yourself: It's essential to prioritize self-care and take time for yourself. This can include engaging in activities that you enjoy, such as reading, taking a bath, or going for a walk. Make sure to set aside time each day for self-care, even if it's just 10 minutes.

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and focusing on your thoughts, feelings, and sensations throughout your body. Practicing mindfulness can help you reduce stress, improve your mood, and increase your overall well-being. There are many mindfulness practices, including meditation, deep breathing, and yoga.

3. Set Boundaries: This is a BIG one! It’s okay to say “no”. It's important to set boundaries in your personal and professional life to prevent burnout. This can include saying no to extra work or social engagements you don't have the time or energy for or setting limits on how much time you spend on certain activities.

4. Get Enough Sleep: Getting enough sleep is important for optimal health in general, but prioritizing sleep can help your brain reset allowing clarity for the following day. You can do this by establishing a regular sleep routine, avoiding caffeine before bedtime, and creating a relaxing sleep environment.

5. Engage In Physical Activity: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress, and improve your mood. Even just a 10-minute walk can have significant benefits.

6. Seek Support: If you're feeling burnt out, it's important to seek support from friends, family, and even a therapist. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you feel less isolated and more supported.

We understand that burnout can have a significant impact on your daily life, but there are practical strategies that you can use to cope with it. By prioritizing yourself you can prevent burnout from negatively impacting your well-being. If you are needing support with moving forward out of your burnout state, consider reaching out to one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy. In conclusion, we want you to know that you are not alone and we are here to be a resource and support in your journey. We also have additional resources throughout our website such as links to mediation videos, a free downloadable eBook, and blogs that target more specific areas you might need support with. 

Anger Unmasked: Separating Myth from Fact

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Anger is an intense emotion that someone usually feels when someone has wronged them, or something has gone wrong. The emotion can range from mild to intense and can be felt along with other emotions depending on the context (frustration, impatience, sadness, etc.) While anger can be a very normal and natural emotion to feel, there is a lot of misinformation regarding anger and people who experience anger. Below are some myths about anger, as well as some information regarding those myths.

1. Myth: Anger can only be felt as a negative emotion and does not have any value. 
   Fact: Anger can be felt as a result of a positive reason, such as feeling angry over an injustice made toward another or a group of people. It can give you the motivation you need to advocate for positive change or rally for support toward a specific cause. 

2. Myth: We will never be able to change the way we react when we are angry.
   Fact: Our reactions are behaviors that we learned to do over time. Even if we feel like we inherited our anger from our parents, or that we react just like a close family member, we are able to make changes to the way we behave when we’re angry. Additionally, we can learn ways to regulate ourselves so that we are not quick to anger.  

3. Myth: Anger always leads to violence and aggression.
   Fact: Anger can sometimes be felt in a positive context, and does not always lead to someone becoming violent or aggressive. By learning certain skills and strategies, we can learn to adjust or modify our behavior in order to not become violent or aggressive when angry. 

4. Myth: Being angry and aggressive can show others that you are strong and determined.
   Fact: Aggression is defined as hostile and violent behavior towards others. Many people have learned that using anger and aggression can help them manipulate others into doing what they want. These behaviors are usually not associated with someone who is strong or determined. That being said, learning how to be assertive can help you gain respect from others without needing to display anger or aggression. 

5. Myth: It is important to always “let out” your anger. 
   Fact: There are different ways to manage your anger, and not all of them have to include a physical response to release anger (ie. walking out of your house to scream or hitting a punching bag). These physical displays of anger can lead to increased anger or aggression. There are other strategies that someone can learn to address their anger that reduce these intense emotions, instead of amplifying them.  

While anger can be used productively and felt in a positive context, it can become a problem when it is felt too often, too intensely, and is expressed inappropriately. Experiencing feelings of anger too often can cause increased stress on the body, lead to other emotions such as aggression, and can impact those around us. If you notice that your anger is creating issues for you or those around you, you are not alone. Many people experience challenges when it comes to feeling anger, and we’ll share more information regarding how to address anger in our upcoming blogs. For immediate support, we always encourage our readers to book an appointment with one of our licensed therapists. 

Embracing Complexity: Challenging Individualism and Embracing Intersectional Perspectives

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

White Supremacy Culture: Insidious Individualism 

I can recall many times throughout my work with foster system-involved youth of color when I have heard the phrase, “I don’t mean to be racist, but white people…” What they speak to next is often a painful experience; one of being dismissed, harassed or blamed. In these moments, I honestly appreciate that this young person has shared their perspective with me. I usually respond with, “First, it’s okay to talk about race and white privilege, that doesn’t mean you're racist,” followed by listening, empathy and validation while at the same time acknowledging the limitations inherent in my own understanding and experience. Many of the youth I have been fortunate enough to work with are exposed to the same media representations that the rest of us have. The message is that bringing up race is the same as being racist. Talking about white privilege is discouraged in this society because acknowledging white supremacy undermines present day policies and practices. The culture of white supremacy stays intact by ahistorical means. Instead of connecting the dots between slavery and the prison system, for example, Black youth are labeled “superpredators,” “thugs” or “gang members.” This kind of thinking keeps the focus off of systems of oppression and privilege, placing blame instead on individual behavior. As a result, in a mind-boggling and heart-wrenching way, the very youth who experience racist violence are saddled with the internalized weight of possibly being seen as racist. 

Everyone Has A Social Location

I describe myself as an able-bodied, queer and cisgendered woman with race and class privilege. I do this because our unique identities matter. I do this because naming and framing the ways each of our experiences shows up in our relationships is key to building trust. 

There are aspects of someone’s social location which are perceived from those outside of one’s self, the parts of us that society has rigid standards around, like someone’s perceived ability. Noticing that someone uses a wheelchair, for example. Then there are those which are not perceived or known explicitly unless that person reveals them. For example, someone who grew up without access to adequate housing or enough food. There are countless examples of the ways in which our social locations create the lenses through which we see the world. Your personal map, or frame, may include: age, size and shape, involvement with different systems (such as the legal system), religion/spirituality, family history, socio-economic class background and current class status, racial, ethnic and cultural identities, SOGIE (sexual orientation, gender identity and expression), HIV status, educational level, disabilities (both perceived and experienced), mental health, support networks, trauma history, language, immigration status, work history and experiences with discrimination and oppression (beFIERCE!). 

What is important to remember is that frames are not neutral. Imagine another map or frame placed on top of your personal one. This second frame reflects the prevailing power dynamics in a society. In other words: who has access to the most time, space or money? Who is seen as an authority figure? Who gets their needs most consistently met? For whom are our neighborhoods built around? For many people, especially for those who receive the most institutionalized privilege within a given society, navigating the complexities of identity creates discomfort. Confronting the relationship between histories of oppression and one’s individual experiences may be simultaneously very uncomfortable and incredibly liberating. 

The Personal Has Always Been Political

Getting honest about social location opens the possibility for empathy, understanding and transformation in part because it means getting clear about the connection between the “personal” and “political.” Black feminists working to end racism, sexism, homophobia and classism broke open the illusion of separateness between daily life and the political arena. In 1977, “The Combahee River Collective Statement” gave rise to the term “identity politics.” In their statement, collective members discuss how their own complex identities reflect “interlocking” systems of oppression. As Black lesbians, collective members highlighted the impossibility of fighting dehumanization from one identity at a time. Consequently, they point out that “If Black women were free, it would mean that everyone else would have to be free since our freedom would necessitate the destruction of all the systems of oppression.” Honoring the lives of activists, artists, writers, educators and healers existing within intersecting oppressions brings clarity to the fight for justice. Marsha P. Johnson and Sylvia Rivera, for example, are remembered for resisting racism, classism, homophobia and cisgendered privilege as manifest in the New York City police department as warriors in the 1969 Stonewall Rebellion. By being unabashedly themselves, they ignited a movement. 

Finding Your Frame: Mapping Your Social Location

Naming your frame is part of an on-going and life-long process. It is a process of connecting with yourself in an effort to understand how you are a part of everyone’s shared stories and experiences. For additional resources and guides as to how to further understand your frame, please see the resources below. 

Using the categories underlined above, what does your intersectional frame look like? 

Which parts of your social location have you pushed away?

Which parts of your social location have you embraced?

How has your social location connected you?

How has your social location isolated you?

References & Resources
beFIERCE!: A Toolkit for Providers Working with LGBTQ Foster Youth by Stephanie Perron, LCSW. (2015)

The Combahee River Collective Statement. http://circuitous.org/scraps/combahee.html

The Cisgender Privilege Checklist. https://wou.edu/wp/safezone/files/2014/06/The-Cisgender-Privilege-Checklist1.pdf

Tema Okun. “White Supremacy Culture.” https://collectiveliberation.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/White_Supremacy_Culture_Okun.pdf

Paul Kivel. “The Costs of Racism to White People.” Paul Kivel outlines the social, spiritual and emotional costs of privilege within a racist culture in his piece “The Costs of Racism to White People.” https://www.collectiveliberation.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Kivel_Costs_of_Racism_to_White_People.pdf

---

White Supremacy Culture: A Personal Journey towards Awareness and Accountability

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

As a queer-identified, able-bodied and cisgendered woman with class and race privilege, I strive to prioritize naming how social locations shape the ways we move and show up in our lives. I believe those of us with privilege(s) are presented with opportunities to examine our values and actions with honesty, humility and openness. My hope with this imperfect piece is to enliven anti-racist study and exploration. Focusing on racial formation and white supremacy culture in this writing is intentional, however, is not meant to downplay or discount the role of intersecting categories of gender, sexual orientation, ability, nationality/immigration status, age, class or religion. In upcoming pieces, I will discuss interlocking systems of privilege and oppression, the origins of identity politics and delve deeper into white supremacy culture. 

Defining Terms

White supremacy culture is the idea (ideology) that white people and the ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and actions of white people are superior to People of Color and their ideas, thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

White supremacy culture is an artificial, historically constructed culture which expresses, justifies and binds together the United States white supremacy system. It is the glue that binds together white-controlled institutions into systems and white-controlled systems into the global white supremacy system. [from Sharon Martinas and the Challenging White Supremacy Workshop] (1)

Unearthing My Privilege

I didn’t grow up wanting to be a psychotherapist. As far back as I can remember, I’ve loved dinosaurs. The movie Jurassic Park came out in 1993, but I am almost positive I knew the word “paleontologist” before then. I remember sitting in a ditch, filling a small plastic tube--the ones used to hold a single rose--with dirt. I grew up going to museums, zoos and libraries. I saw people who looked like me, white and sometimes women, in positions of authority, which gave me a sense of choice and possibility. My life reflected the race, class, citizenship and gender-conforming privileges of my family, privileges with violent histories. 

My Unspoken Questions About Privilege

As a child, messages about cultural acceptance were confusing at best. My Southern California elementary school had a “Multicultural Day” every year where we learned about celebrations and food from around the world. At the same time, I didn’t understand why people around me were so angry when families came to the United States from Mexico. Many of my classmates were from Mexico and Latin America. There were palpable rifts in the process of making friends. There were also moments of possibility. I remember proudly singing songs in Spanish, dressed up as a fairy in a musical production of “Hansel and Gretel.” Something changed in my fourth grade year when suddenly we weren’t speaking Spanish anymore at school. Instead, we focused on glorifying the genocidal California Mission system. Nationalism, racism and xenophobia prevailed and the rift became an abyss. As I look back, there were moments when a part of me felt uneasy and had questions about the messages I heard from the media, from family members and at school about my classmates and their families, yet I wasn’t even sure how to form the words.

Getting Uncomfortable Answers About White Supremacy Culture

Those gut-wrenching “something is wrong here” sensations continued, building up as my home life became increasingly scary and unpredictable. Ultimately, my privilege gave me the opportunity to understand my privilege. The private high school I went to effectively prepared me to attend a state college. My intention was to become a wildlife biologist. Barely a semester into college, that plan began to unravel. Too many questions went unanswered. My first sociology class was like a gateway drug. I needed to understand and Ethnic Studies made the most sense of the world. Native American Studies, Ethnic Studies including Black, Latinx and Asian-American Studies and Women’s Studies arose out of demands for higher education to prioritize the knowledge and experiences within these communities. What I learned was shocking, disorienting and powerful. Coming to terms with having been lied to all your life is overwhelming. Where to direct all the anger, sadness and guilt? Part of my answer was--and is-- to stay committed to understanding, reflecting and acting. 

Why Race was Invented

In their pivotal text Racial Formation in the United States, Omi and Winant stress that “the emergence of a modern conception of race does not occur until the rise of Europe and the arrival of Europeans in the Americas” (2, p.61). When power-hungry European businessmen  came into contact with indigenous civilizations, they found a way to justify mass murder by religious doctrine. Later, when conditions in the United States changed, “European colonial powers established “white” as a legal concept in 1676 after Bacon’s Rebellion, during which indentured servants of European and African descent united against the colonial elite” (3, p.125). Then the wealthy European settler-colonialists gave “white” servants privileges, like land, access to guns and the ability to form militias, effectively squashing the possibility of overthrowing them. Laws made by the wealthy for the wealthy changed the once shared conditions of people from different geographic locations (4). Hence, race is an ever-changing category, created to maintain wealth and power for social, political and economic purposes, enshrined in every aspect of society. 

Understanding The Smog of Cultural Racism

As Beverly Daniel Tatum explains in her book Why are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? (5), “cultural racism” is a part of our collective experience because it is “like smog in the air.”  This smog is made up of “the cultural images and messages that affirm the assumed superiority of Whites and the assumed inferiority of people of color” (p.6). Dr. Daniel Tatum offers countless examples of the ways in which these unspoken and direct messages, from very early in life, shape identity development. In other words, the smog of cultural racism creates the conditions of how we understand ourselves and one another. 

Taking it Personal: Reflections to Consider

• How have you noticed the social/political/economic categories of race shift in your lifetime?

• What does the “smog” represent to you? 

• How does the smog of cultural racism show up in your life?

• What does it mean to be aware of white supremacy culture?
  
  

There are no swift solutions to doing the work of acknowledging privilege. It is an engaged process of openness to unknown and uncomfortable experiences. Over and over, mistakes will be made. What do you need to keep going? 

In my client-centered work, I strive to maintain an awareness and respect for personal experiences and intersectional identities. I believe healing happens in powerful community action and when we invite ourselves to be fully honest and aware. 

~ Ashley

For more resources and ideas on where to begin/continue:

White Awake     
White Awake is an online platform and nonprofit organization focused on popular education for people who are classified as “white”. We believe this is important because white people are socialized, and awarded limited types of privilege, to align ourselves with the capitalist, ruling class at everybody’s expense. White Awake addresses the particularities of white racial socialization with tools and resources that prioritizes spiritual practice, emotional process, compassion, and curiosity alongside historical analysis and intellectual rigor. 
https://whiteawake.org

Catalyst ProjectCatalyst Project helps to build powerful multiracial movements that can win collective liberation. In the service of this vision, we organize, train and mentor white people to take collective action to end racism, war and empire, and to support efforts to build power in working-class communities of color.
https://collectiveliberation.org

Showing Up for Racial Justice (SURJ)SURJ’s role as part of a multi-racial movement is to undermine white support for white supremacy and to help build a racially-just society. That work cannot be done in isolation from or disconnected from the powerful leadership of communities of color. It is one part of a multi-racial, cross-class movement centering the leadership of people of color. Therefore, SURJ believes in resourcing organizing led by people of color, and maintaining strong accountability relationships with organizers and communities of color as a central part of our theory of change.
https://www.showingupforracialjustice.org

*The film 13th on Netflix by Ava DuVernay: explores the "intersection of race, justice, and mass incarceration in the United States;" it is titled after the Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, adopted in 1865, which abolished slavery throughout the United States and ended involuntary servitude except as a punishment for conviction of a crime. (https://www.avaduvernay.com/13th/)

*Support: The Sogorea Te Land Trust is an urban Indigenous women-led community organization that facilitates the return of Chochenyo and Karkin Ohlone lands in the San Francisco Bay Area to Indigenous stewardship. Sogorea Te creates opportunities for all people living in Ohlone territory to work together to re-envision the Bay Area community and what it means to live on Ohlone land. Guided by the belief that land is the foundation that can bring us together, Sogorea Te calls on us all to heal from the legacies of colonialism and genocide, to remember different ways of living, and to do the work that our ancestors and future generations are calling us to do. https://sogoreate-landtrust.org/

1.  https://www.dismantlingracism.org/

2. Racial Formation in the United States: From the 1960’s to the 1990’s. Michael Omi and Howard Winant.(1994)

3. Ideas for Action: Relevant Theory for Radical Change. Cynthia Kaufman. (2003)

4. What is White Supremacy? By Elizabeth “Betita” Martinez

   http://www.pittsburghartscouncil.org/storage/documents/ProfDev/what-is-white-supremacy.pdf

5. Beverly Daniel Tatum. Why Are All the White Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?: And other Conversations About Race. (1997)

Crafting an Effective Work-From-Home Routine: Essential Components for Success

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Picture this: You're at home. Your partner is at home. Your kids are at home -- and feeling cooped up at that. And on top of it all, you're expected to be productive while working from home, as if nothing was going on in your life outside of work.

For many of us, this has become our reality. The changes that COVID-19 has brought have created a huge shift in the way we live our lives, both at home and at work. Many of us are struggling to grocery shop and stay connected with friends, let alone get any work done…. 

But that's okay. One of the benefits of going through a global pandemic (if there are any) is that everyone is going through the same changes that you are! All of our lives have been turned upside down -- and we're all trying to figure this out together.

That brings me to something important that I've discovered: the importance of routine. As our lives are shaken and stirred like a dirty martini, many of us have lost the activities in our life that used to give us structure. Our kids are no longer going to school, we're no longer working from the office and the regular workouts, happy hours and therapy appointments that kept us sane have all been flipped on their head.

I've found that it's important to create our own sense of routine and structure in our lives to bring a sense of control back into the chaos -- and in the interest of sticking together during these trying times, I want to share with you my best tips for creating a work-from-home routine that allows you to be as productive as possible despite the craziness of our lives.

Define clear work (or study) hours.

Working in an office makes it easy to set boundaries: when you're in the office, you're working and when you're home, you're home. These lines easily become blurred when we start working from home -- and soon you may find yourself checking your work email at the dinner table. 

Whether you determine your own work schedule or have set hours, it's important to stick to those hours to create boundaries, even while working from home. When you know when you're working, you're able to be more productive during that time -- and when you know you're off, you're really off, spending time with the people and activities that make you happy.

Schedule time to eat and hydrate!

Now is not the time to neglect basic self-care needs like eating regular meals and drinking water. Make sure you schedule meal times and breaks for coffee, tea and/or water into your day to help you stay happy, healthy and hydrated! 

Get away from the screen.

For many of us, screens are our only way to connect with the world around us. Whether it's Facetiming with a friend or checking in with a family member on social media, I recognize the importance of screen time to maintaining social connections in our new reality. 

Still, that doesn't mean you shouldn't set boundaries when it comes to screen time. Especially given the weight of current events, it's important to schedule time away from our screens -- and away from news of the coronavirus -- for our mental and physical health. Take frequent breaks from your computer, phone or television, and don't hesitate to take an extended break from the news or from social media if needed.

Reach out to friends and family.

Social distancing should not mean social isolation! Humans are naturally social creatures. Social connections are a huge part of what gives our lives meaning, which is why it's important to schedule time to reach out to family and friends during this time. Checking in with family and friends not only benefits you, but also allows you to see how others are doing and offer them much-needed support and encouragement.

Do something you love.

Balance is key when it comes to managing the current world situation. Working 24/7 might seem tempting when your laptop is always a few steps away, but it's important to make time for things that bring you joy. 

What's a hobby you love that you haven't had time to do for the past couple of months? One of the benefits of social distancing is that you now have all the time in the world for the things you love to do! Whether it's reading a book, taking a bubble bath or starting a new creative project -- or, heck, even playing video games -- create space to take care of yourself in these uncertain times.

Slow down and reflect.

There is so much going on in the world around us. The coronavirus situation is evolving rapidly, so quickly that we feel as if we can never keep up. Our bodies and psyches need time to adjust to all this news, uncertainty and trauma. As tempting as it may be to keep pushing forward, your body and mind need time and space to reflect on how you are feeling and how you are being impacted by these changes.

Get enough sleep.

Enough said. You have no excuse to go to bed too late or wake up too early now. Social distancing (and working from home) offers the perfect opportunity to get that full six to eight hours your body has been craving.

Spend time in nature.

When so many of us are feeling cooped up indoors, it's essential to take time to get outside and reconnect with nature. Settling into stagnancy may feel tempting right now, but getting outside and moving your body gently (if you are able to) is one of the most important things you can do for your mind, body and spirit. 

Hopefully, these tips will allow you to build a structured routine into your day, helping you be more productive yet still set boundaries while working from home. Most of all, however, I want to emphasize the importance of showing yourself compassion and kindness during these times. 

Not every day is going to be perfect. You can't expect that from yourself right now. But as long as you're trying your best and showing yourself compassion, you'll be better off.

If you’re needing support, we are here to help. Contact us to learn more about how we can support you right now.

Four Key Practices for Sharing Your "Shelter" During the Stay at Home Order

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

As many have pointed out recently, “social distancing” does not have to mean keeping ourselves emotionally isolated. The precautions we are being asked to take are more accurately described as “physical distancing.” In fact, emotional connection may be incredibly powerful in getting us all through the uncertainties we face. It is true that the “shelter in place” guidelines mean less opportunities to be physically close with people outside of our household. Yet, perhaps in some ways, we may be open to building deeper intimacy with one another. 

On a walk recently, my partner and I passed by a home that had a sizable front yard with two dogs running around in it. Two women sat on the porch, noticed us, and began a conversation. We introduced ourselves and were delighted to be able to say we are neighbors. Throughout our encounter, we learned that the grandmother was initially visiting for a short time, but plans changed once the “shelter in place” order went into effect. Now, unexpectedly, three generations are sharing a home together for an undetermined amount of time. Families, partners, friends and most likely even acquaintances are navigating various arrangements out of necessity. 

In hopes of creating ease during these difficult times, here are four practices to consider implementing in your relationships. 

1. Be as gentle as you are able with yourself and those you live with. It is okay to be feeling all kinds of confused right now. I was recently reminded that we are all, in some ways, children in this experience.* You and those in your household may need extra space, extra comfort (think pillows, blankets and teddy bears!) or extra uplift (cute baby animal videos?) during this time. Even seemingly small gestures of reassurance may make a big difference. For example, you may want to take a moment to really look at a picture of someone who cares about you. Or remember a time in your life when you felt powerful, grounded or calm to remind you of who you are and what is important to you. 

2. Have difficult conversations in as much in advance as possible. Living with others can be challenging as it is, let alone when there is a public health mandate to stay inside. If you know there are certain “hot button” issues that have been stressful in the past, now is the time to work things out as best you can with the information you have. If you don’t have all of the information you need then it’s okay to wait until you do. Allow yourself to take things one day at a time as much as you are able. You may find ease by acknowledging that you just don’t have the information you need at the moment and making a plan to address the topic when more information is available.

Another approach is to reflect on hard conversations that have gone well before; perhaps those circumstances can be replicated (to some extent) again? Did you start the conversation with a personal check-in? Was it over a meal? What are the details that may create a bit more ease? Even lighting can have a calming effect--candlelight does not have to be reserved for the romantic moments. What about doing an activity together, like a puzzle or a game, after the conversation?

3. Invite curiosity. Everyone’s “stuff” will be heightened at this time. Take space to be curious about and then acknowledge what the “go to” patterns are in the household and name them with one another. Oftentimes, naming our patterns can offer some relief. It can be very vulnerable to talk about patterns of avoidance or shutting down. Again, gentleness for yourself and others can create the space for trust to be built and nourished. 

4. Create household rituals. Amidst all of the chaos of the outside world, how might you and those around you create rituals of care and ease. Do you and the person/s you live with enjoy having tea together? Perhaps saying “good morning” and “goodnight” to one another every day would be a connecting practice? What motivates and inspires you and your shelter-mates? How might these ideas shape your household rituals?

May you bring these ideas into your daily practice in any way that meets your needs. 

*Thank you you to Bonnie Goldstein of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute

---

check out ashley’s blogs

The Compass Guilt Provides: Tips for Harnessing Its Guidance for Personal Growth

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

This article is meant to invite inquiry and foster self-compassion. Most likely, we all have little “g” guilt and big “G” guilt present with us throughout life. Everyone’s relationship with guilt will be different and complex, each asking for unique attention and care. Building a relationship with a psychotherapist can support you in creating and implementing individualized practices to work with guilt. 

What is it about the beginning of the Gregorian calendar that ignites talk of “resolutions,” seemingly en masse? As we head into month three of 2020, I’m thinking on the role of guilt in how we feel about meeting our past, present and future. The beginning of the year is, for many, a time to reflect on the past year in an effort to change some of the things that supposedly made the year before less exciting, fulfilling or successful. This is where guilt comes in.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “guilt,” or gylt in Old English, means a “crime, sin, moral defect, failure of duty.” Whoa. Is it a “crime, sin, moral defect” or “failure of duty” to spend more time with my friends instead of organizing my hall closet? Maybe right now, I value connection more than order. 

Guilt, like any other emotion, may act as a guide, illuminating our needs and values. Rather than leading us into immobilizing narratives, bringing curiosity to our guilty parts can act as a trailhead to practicing self-empathy and unearthing our desired actions. 

Awareness. Rather than push those feelings aside, perhaps notice how and where you sense them. Take a moment to recall the last time you felt “guilty.” How do you know you are feeling “guilty”? Is it a pit in your stomach sensation? Or nausea? Maybe a pulling down or weightedness? What happens when you focus your attention on these sensations? 

Stories. You may also notice the thoughts which arise when you feel guilty. What are the stories being told about you in your mind? Where do those voices come from and how familiar are they? Maybe you will find it helpful to take note of the messages arising around your feelings of guilt. From there, if the messages are played out, you may get more information about what it is you are actually hoping for. 

Needs and Values. You may take this opportunity to get to know that part of you. As you make contact with that part of you, ask about needs. What is that part needing? Might you need connection with others? Or clarity? Space or choice? How might that guilty feeling guide you? What does this feeling say about your values? 

External Events. What are the external events shaping your choices, thoughts or actions? How might you invite more consideration and compassion towards yourself?

Endeavors. Notice how your feelings and stories shifted. Be as present as you can as you have connected with what is important to you and why you may not have been able to align your actions with your values in a particular moment. What do these changes mean for how you want to move forward? What choices are you now presented with?

For example:

“I feel guilty that I didn’t leave enough money for a tip at the restaurant...obviously, I am not a generous person.”

Ok, let’s pause for a moment here and slow things down. 

Awareness: “I notice an uneasy, sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m feeling guilty because that waiter works really hard and does not get paid enough.” 

Stories: “The story I am telling myself is that I am a heartless person who doesn’t care about others. Oh my gosh, that sounds familiar. I was really hurt back then. That’s a tender place that I want to give attention to.” 

Needs and Values/External Events: “Well, I am needing understanding. I was rushing because I lost track of time working on that group project due today. I really value contribution and want to make sure I did a thorough job. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to give more of a tip, too. Because understanding the values of hard work and contributing to another’s well-being is important to me.” 

Endeavors: “I feel more at ease. I am more connected to how I want to offer what I can, when I can. I want others to know I value their work. I feel freed up to make choices around my values.” 

Back to the Little and Big “G” guilts. Perhaps one leads to another in an unfolding, interconnected way. Being with guilt can be a journey, opening us up to options we may not have become aware of had we been preoccupied with the “shoulds” and the stories. And yes, through this process we may also open ourselves up to more vulnerable or painful memories, the Big “G” kind. This is where support comes in.

As we continue to deepen our curiosity around guilt, here are a couple more questions to consider how it may show up in relationships:

1. Are you afraid of bringing up feelings in another person by sharing your needs and values? If so, which feelings? Why are these feelings scary?

2. How much control do you have over the situation? 

Through this process, we have welcomed guilt in and learned from it’s wisdom. New possibilities become available once we tap in and listen. I mean, hey, maybe I can reach out to some friends who want to help me re-organize my hall closet! 

---

check out ashley’s blogs

Exploring the Significance of Body Awareness

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Too often the messages we receive from society take us away from our present-moment experiences, our genuine emotions, and our truest selves.  As we attempt to navigate this culture of distraction we end up feeling lost, disconnected and unsure of ourselves. It’s become too easy to get lost in our thoughts, whether we get lost in thoughts about the future or the past.  This split and physical disconnect is a large reason why increasing your body awareness is so important and often eye-opening.  

WHAT IS BODY AWARENESS?

Body awareness is being consciously connected as a whole versus mind and body being two separate entities. When we were born and progressively moved forward with body control, we learned body awareness in coordination with crawling, walking and progressed as most people do; such as how far to reach for something, or how to climb stairs.  As adults, the concept of body awareness in this context becomes second nature given normal circumstances such as perception and spacial awareness of our physical selves. 

WHAT ABOUT BODY AWARENESS IN THERAPY?

In this scope, it is much more than the physical part of ourselves. Body awareness represents our mind and body as one and the responses (behavior) we have. 

Having body awareness is beneficial during therapy because our bodies hold on to past memories and experiences; it shows in our body language, posture, and our expressions. Physical manifestations of trauma can cause an upset stomach, migraines, hormone imbalances, and other medical conditions.  Studies have shown that there is a relationship between trauma and our bodies. 

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF BODY AWARENESS?

The benefits of having body awareness in therapy help to understand your body’s signals in relation to what you hold within. Realizing your own breathing and other physical sensations foster a pathway for changes in responses to overwhelming feelings.  For example, if you just disagreed with a coworker or friend, you may not notice the physical changes that happen during the exchange. Changes such as faster breathing, racing heart, shaking, stiff limbs, tightness or a clenched jaw. You may notice them after the confrontation, but during the confrontation you may be less aware. 

What would it feel like if you were more aware of your body’s responses to a bad memory, a negative association to something in your environment or argument with someone close to you? With the help of a professional somatic therapist, you can begin to increase your body awareness. They can assist by helping you bring attention to your body and physical sensations during the session. With gentle guidance in a safe space, you can learn about your physical experiences, which can lead to growth, acceptance, and change. You can be more centered and freer of holding in the negativity that impacts both your mind and body. 

THE POWER OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

We are often our own worst critics and if we can neutrally observe our bodies, meaning what our bodies do isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’, makes it easier to focus more on the behavior, feeling or reaction. This component added to therapy will enhance your outcomes when working with your therapist. 

If you find that this is a struggle at first, there are other areas that can be focused on. How many times have you been engrossed in a project with a deadline and you kept working despite you were starving? Your body tells you it needs nutrition, just like it gives you a signal when you are stressed or feeling anxious. By being more attentive to basic physical needs creates more awareness of the cues when your body is stressed or overwhelmed.  This allows you to connect what triggers you may overlook in response to a traumatic event or troubling situation. 

WORKING WITH A SOMATIC THERAPIST

As you work with a trained somatic therapist, you will understand your own body not just your mind and emotions.  Somatic therapists track emotional and physical shifts to recognize signs that give clues as to what is going on internally. We have a huge toolbox of body-based resources to support you in building body awareness.  Most human communication is through body language. Yes, we use words to communicate; however, our bodies say much more. Even when you are quiet while seated in a room with others, you are communicating. If you are nervous you may fidget without even realizing it. If you are having a bad day, your jaw may lock, and you don’t realize it.  You may cross your arms tighter across your chest.

By recognizing how emotions are tied to your body brings a strong mind-body connection that opens the pathway to self-understanding, acceptance, and processing that enables you to respond better to your environment. Self-awareness is a great skill to have and use while in therapy and you will find more positive results in therapy by incorporating it into sessions.  

If you are struggling with connecting your mind and body during therapy, talk with your therapist about different techniques or other options.  

Therapy Reflections

1. Do you know what happens in your body when you feel anxious or sad?

2. When something or someone pisses you off, how connected are you to your body in that moment?

3. What signals does your body give you when you feel happy or grateful?

4. What can you do today to increase your body awareness?

---

blogs you may like