Coping With Grief - 6 Ways to Support Your Journey

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Grief…it’s an unavoidable part of life that can be incredibly painful and potentially debilitating for some. It isn’t linear and there’s no timeline to be followed. Grief can be described as a singular emotion and yet there are many emotions involved making it feel like a whirlwind. When someone is on the roller coaster of grief recovery they may find it easy to place their own needs on the back burner or have thoughts of “what’s the point?”. Our goal in this blog is to support you in your pain and provide resources to help you find relief. In this blog, we will provide you with simple coping tools to support yourself in this season of your life. 

What Should You Do While Grieving? 

1. Give Yourself Permission - this is so important during your grieving journey. In the previous “All About Grief” blog we discussed the Five Stages of Grief and one of the stages is the denial stage. Many times when we are in the denial stage of our grief, we will have feelings of numbness or even keep busy to keep our mind off the situation. If you find yourself in this position, give yourself permission to feel whatever emotions you need. This can immensely support your process. We want to remind you that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there are no right or wrong feelings to feel, but we encourage you to give yourself permission to feel them. Your grief journey is intensely personal and you are allowed to experience it no matter what it may look like.
   

2. Eat Well - Eating a balanced diet is beneficial for life in general, but it can be extremely supportive when you are experiencing major emotional fluctuations. We’re not medical doctors, however, during a grieving period, eating extra protein, omegas, and food high in B vitamins can positively impact potential mood swings. Higher protein foods like eggs, turkey, and greek yogurt can support balancing blood sugar levels. Foods high in B vitamins like bananas can provide serotonin boosts and omega-rich food like fish provide DHA and EPA which are both linked to lowering depression levels. It’s always best to consult your physician before making changes to your diet. They can also provide additional dietary and supplement options based on your personal needs.
   

3. Move Your Body - Gentle movement can support your body in the midst of grief as well. Stepping outside to go for a walk will allow you to receive Vitamin D from the sun, which supports mood, and movement releases dopamine and serotonin in your brain which are the “feel good” hormones.
   

4. Write A Letter - Some people who have lost a loved one, experience regret for not being able to express something to that person they lost. Writing them a letter is a great way to express those things you might not have been able to. You may also be experiencing many levels of emotions and “brain dumping” on paper can help you organize your thoughts or express things you may not be able to say out loud.
   

5. Keep a Routine - Because grief comes with major life shifts, finding small things within your control can be supportive to some people. This can be as simple as making your bed as soon as you get up in the morning, or laying out your clothes for the next day before you go to bed at night. Keeping a routine can provide or return a sense of normalcy and structure to your life.
   

6. Find Others Who Are Grieving - Having those around you who understand the depth of what you are going through can provide a sense of security and comfort while riding the waves of this grieving journey. There are many grief support groups that you can find locally and there are options for therapy services as well. 

If you find yourself in the ebbs and flows of grief, having someone to provide a safe and secure place to process can support you in moving closer to the shoreline of acceptance. Therapy can provide tools to process the trauma that may be involved with the grief you’re experiencing, or find ways to cope with the emotions that suddenly arise when there is a trigger. Life By Design Therapy has a staff that is ready to support you with this journey. You can find free resources on our website or you can schedule your free phone consultation to get started. 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on grief and how to support those that are grieving, check out these books below:

1. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

2. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

5. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman

6. It's Okay That You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

7. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

8. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

The Unique Path of Grief: Why Everyone Processes Loss in Their Own Way

By Melody Wright, LMFT

If you have ever grieved anything, you understand that the process is personal and complex. It is a unique experience that cannot be compared to anyone else's, and it can manifest differently for each individual. Grieving timelines, methods of coping, and the emotions experienced by the person can be completely different than another person's experience. It’s important to remember that there is no right or wrong way to walk this process out. It can be helpful to understand how people cope with grief so that you can be better equipped to support yourself or someone else who may be going through this difficult process. 

What is Grief? 

Grief is a natural and universal response to loss. While grief is most commonly associated with the loss of a loved one, it can also be felt during the loss of an important relationship, health issues, loss of a job, and even moving to a new home. Grief can be described as a basket of emotions because you can have multiple feelings at once, even some that you might not expect. 

For instance, let’s think about an adult child caring for their parent with dementia during the final stages of their life. This caretaker watches the person they love lose themselves little by little, as well as the ability to take care of their everyday basic needs. As time moves forward, the parent passes away and the caretaker finds themselves feeling relieved and then guilty for feeling relieved. 

The reality is, while this may not have been the emotion that was anticipated for the grieving process, it’s perfectly normal and okay to feel this sense of relief and sadness at the same time.

The 5 Stages of Grief

I’m sure you have heard of The Five Stages of Grief. These guidelines are an attempt to explain the different stages of grief and the emotions that may come up. Each stage of grief has its own unique set of challenges and emotions associated with it, but they all eventually lead to acceptance of the loss. By recognizing the signs and symptoms associated with each stage, we can learn how to better manage our emotions as we move through the grieving process or support others with their process. 

The five stages of grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. However, as we mentioned before, grief is not a one-size-fits-all and you can experience two or three of these stages all at once. So what are some of the symptoms and emotions that are associated with each stage? 

1. Denial - you may feel easily distracted, numb, confused, or even find yourself staying busy to keep your mind off your new reality.

2. Anger - during this stage you may feel upset with yourself and others. It may come out as irritability, frustration, impatience, etc.

3. Bargaining - you may find yourself negotiating with a higher power or making deals with yourself. You may also experience guilt, shame, insecurity, and anxiety.

4. Depression - during this stage you may find yourself weeping more, feeling sadness, fear, regret, or uncertainty. There might also be changes in your appetite, sleep patterns, and energy levels.

5. Acceptance - here you will find yourself beginning to emotionally detach. You’ll have the ability to be more present, vulnerable, and engage with reality.   

Why Does Grief Look Different for Everyone? 

The answer is simply…everyone is different. We all have different stories, perspectives, and traumas that we work through during a grieving process. However you may be experiencing grief, it’s perfectly ok. There is no right and wrong way to process and you have permission to feel exactly the way you need to feel to work through your grief journey. For some, grief is a debilitating experience, and for those journeying that out, it is helping to have someone to support you in your process and provide tools to help you move forward. If you find yourself in a situation like this, consider scheduling a free phone consultation with one of our qualified clinicians here at Life By Design Therapy. 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on grief and how to support those that are grieving, check out these books below:

1. On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

2. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion

3. Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha Whitmore Hickman

4. Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

5. The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses by John W. James and Russell Friedman

6. It's Okay That You're Not Okay: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand by Megan Devine

7. The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller

8. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

Healing from the Inside Out: Long-Term Strategies for Managing Anger

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As part of our final blog for our “All About Anger” series, we’d like to introduce you to some resources and options for how to address your anger, and its effects, long term. Learning skills such as deep breathing and identifying when to take a step back may keep your anger at bay for that moment, but can pose a challenge when you remain angry even after that moment has passed. If you’re interested in taking a deeper dive into understanding and addressing anger, we highly recommend the following:

• Begin to bring awareness to your physical or emotional cues that your body experiences when you become angry. Most people will have certain physical and emotional cues that let them know they are beginning to feel angry (grinding teeth, sharp pain in their back, feeling increasingly warm, etc.). Learning more about your cues can help you begin to identify when your anger levels are beginning to rise even if you may not immediately realize what is happening in your body. 

• Join an anger support group. Some individuals learn better from hearing others share similar thoughts or experiences. If you feel like joining a supportive community that will help you learn more about your anger and strategies to address it, look into local centers or community agencies that can offer support. 

• Read a book or online article about the cycles of anger and aggression. If reading and learning are some of your fortes, there’s a lot you can learn from others that can help you identify the patterns that surround anger and aggression. These patterns or cycles usually reflect a situation or event that sparks anger, your reaction to that event/situation, and the aftermath of your reaction. Once you are able to identify how that cycle plays out in your day to day activities, you can use different strategies (like stopping your thoughts before you react) to prevent a “blow up” or display signs of aggression.

• Talk to a therapist. Anger can stem from different places, and at its worst, can begin to impact your relationships, career goals, and overall physical health. It is okay to tap into different methods of support when you haven’t been able to identify the strategy that works best for you. A therapist can collaborate with you to learn more about where your anger stems from, and what skills can be used to address your anger. 

We hope that our All About Anger series has given you a few different tips to reign in your anger when you feel it building up. As always, our licensed therapists are able and available to help you in your journey to address anger, and the other emotions associated with anger (aggression, frustration, overwhelm). Don’t hesitate to reach out should you need additional support. 

Unpacking the Roots of Anger: Understanding Its Origins and How to Manage It

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Our current blog series, “All About Anger,” focuses on providing information about anger, myths and facts associated with anger, where anger comes from, and tools and strategies to address anger as an emotion. Understanding where your anger comes from can help you learn more about yourself, and give you insight as to what strategies can help you address anger.

Understanding where your anger stems from may help to identify certain situations, feelings, or things that usually lead to you experiencing anger. These can be considered your triggers, or red flags, and can include the following:

• People that get in the way of you achieving your goals

• Situations that bring up sensitive topics from childhood (ie. someone talking about their child being bullied, not knowing you were also bullied as a child)

• Daily life interactions can be annoying, but the presence of other stressors can make you angry, such as being stuck in traffic or having a family member be inconsiderate of your needs

• Having negative or emotionally charged interactions with others, both in-person and online

• Reading stories or posts about a topic that you strongly disagree with

As you may notice, these situations can occur on a daily basis, and generally are outside of our control. With all of these opportunities to become angry, what can we do to prevent it? Next time you’re feeling angry, try one of the following strategies to see if you can regulate your emotions:

1. Take a step back: If you are actively in a situation that is raising your anger levels, take a step back. Giving yourself a much-needed break from a situation or conversation that is making you angry can help you clear your head before choosing to continue a conversation, or removing yourself from a situation altogether. 

2. Talk to someone you trust: Getting an outside perspective to a problem or issue that is making you angry can help you adjust your thought process and relieve negative feelings. 

3. Take a walk: If it’s difficult for you to take a timeout from a situation without letting your mind wander back to the issue making you angry, redirecting your attention to physical exercise can help you ease your frustrations. 

4. Make a joke: If you appreciate and use humor to break the tension, and the situation is appropriate, making a joke can help you release some of your anger. 

We hope these strategies have widened your options in the way you usually address anger. Not all strategies may work for you, but we encourage you to try the ones that feel right based on your needs and preferences. In our next blog, you will learn more about some long-term options to help address anger. If you need to speak to someone today about how to address your anger, please schedule a free consultation. 

Beyond the Blues: Exploring the Impact of Depression on Your Life

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Depression, What Is It?

Depression is a serious (but common) medical illness that affects how someone feels, thinks, and acts. In general, depression causes feelings of sadness and an overall loss of interest in activities that you may have previously enjoyed. Depression impacts each person differently and may even look different at various stages of your life.  The length of time someone may experience depression can also vary from person to person; Some people may be able to overcome their depression within a matter of months while others may take longer. No matter what someone’s journey with depression may look like, it is important to be able to recognize the symptoms and the effects that it has on the body. Some of the symptoms related to depression vary from mild to severe, and can include the following:

• Changes in appetite

• Loss of energy

• Feeling fatigued

• Difficulty concentrating

• Feeling sad

• Trouble sleeping or too much sleep

• Thoughts of worthlessness, guilt, or suicidality

What Does Depression Do to the Brain?

While many associate only emotional or mental symptoms with depression, research states that it may also impact our brain. There is still much to be learned about the specific areas of the brain that are affected by depression, and how much they are affected. However, there is growing evidence that different parts of the brain may shrink, change in structure, and/or become inflamed in people with depression. These changes in the brain can lead to problems with memory, learning, and overall mood. Scientists are not yet sure if these changes have the potential to be permanent, but there is hope that treatment may help prevent or ease some of the changes that happen to the brain.

What Treatment Exists for Depression?

Treatment for depression can consist of different approaches, but primarily consists of two options, therapy and medication. Depending on what works best to address an individual’s symptoms, therapy and medication can be used individually or in combination as part of their treatment plan. The main therapeutic approaches for depression include:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) 

• Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

• Holistic and Somatic (body-based) Psychotherapy

Medications for depression, also known as antidepressants, primarily work by increasing chemical levels in the brain called neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters are linked to mood and emotions. Antidepressants address different symptoms, and usually fall within the following categories:

• SSRI’s: Addresses symptoms of depression and anxiety

• Antidepressants: Addresses symptoms of depression and may help with other chronic conditions

• Anxiolytic: Addresses anxiety, tension, and may promote sleep

• Antipsychotic: Addresses symptoms of certain psychiatric conditions

When therapy and/or medication are used as treatment to address someone’s depression, research shows that it can reduce inflammation in the brain that was originally caused by depression.  Engaging in therapeutic interventions may also help form new synaptic connections in the brain that were affected by depression. This can help an individual experience a drastic improvement in their overall mood and energy levels. No matter what your treatment plan looks like, addressing your symptoms with therapy or medication can help begin to minimize the toll that depression can take on the body.

I’m Not Sure How to Get Started…Where Can I Get Help?

In order to properly address depression, it is important that you speak to your doctor, therapist, and/or psychiatrist to find the treatment approach, or approaches, that work best for you. For individuals who would like to explore taking medication, it’s important to learn the side-effects that may be associated with each medication, and understand that it may take time to find the right medication for their individual needs. If you or a loved one is currently experiencing sympthttps://www.lifebydesigntherapy.com/depression-therapyoms of depression, our therapists at Life by Design would be happy to connect with you and help guide the journey to healing and improved Mental Health. Click here for more information. 

Mastering Emotional Expression: 3 Tips for Effective Communication

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively.

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability. 

The Compass Guilt Provides: Tips for Harnessing Its Guidance for Personal Growth

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

This article is meant to invite inquiry and foster self-compassion. Most likely, we all have little “g” guilt and big “G” guilt present with us throughout life. Everyone’s relationship with guilt will be different and complex, each asking for unique attention and care. Building a relationship with a psychotherapist can support you in creating and implementing individualized practices to work with guilt. 

What is it about the beginning of the Gregorian calendar that ignites talk of “resolutions,” seemingly en masse? As we head into month three of 2020, I’m thinking on the role of guilt in how we feel about meeting our past, present and future. The beginning of the year is, for many, a time to reflect on the past year in an effort to change some of the things that supposedly made the year before less exciting, fulfilling or successful. This is where guilt comes in.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “guilt,” or gylt in Old English, means a “crime, sin, moral defect, failure of duty.” Whoa. Is it a “crime, sin, moral defect” or “failure of duty” to spend more time with my friends instead of organizing my hall closet? Maybe right now, I value connection more than order. 

Guilt, like any other emotion, may act as a guide, illuminating our needs and values. Rather than leading us into immobilizing narratives, bringing curiosity to our guilty parts can act as a trailhead to practicing self-empathy and unearthing our desired actions. 

Awareness. Rather than push those feelings aside, perhaps notice how and where you sense them. Take a moment to recall the last time you felt “guilty.” How do you know you are feeling “guilty”? Is it a pit in your stomach sensation? Or nausea? Maybe a pulling down or weightedness? What happens when you focus your attention on these sensations? 

Stories. You may also notice the thoughts which arise when you feel guilty. What are the stories being told about you in your mind? Where do those voices come from and how familiar are they? Maybe you will find it helpful to take note of the messages arising around your feelings of guilt. From there, if the messages are played out, you may get more information about what it is you are actually hoping for. 

Needs and Values. You may take this opportunity to get to know that part of you. As you make contact with that part of you, ask about needs. What is that part needing? Might you need connection with others? Or clarity? Space or choice? How might that guilty feeling guide you? What does this feeling say about your values? 

External Events. What are the external events shaping your choices, thoughts or actions? How might you invite more consideration and compassion towards yourself?

Endeavors. Notice how your feelings and stories shifted. Be as present as you can as you have connected with what is important to you and why you may not have been able to align your actions with your values in a particular moment. What do these changes mean for how you want to move forward? What choices are you now presented with?

For example:

“I feel guilty that I didn’t leave enough money for a tip at the restaurant...obviously, I am not a generous person.”

Ok, let’s pause for a moment here and slow things down. 

Awareness: “I notice an uneasy, sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m feeling guilty because that waiter works really hard and does not get paid enough.” 

Stories: “The story I am telling myself is that I am a heartless person who doesn’t care about others. Oh my gosh, that sounds familiar. I was really hurt back then. That’s a tender place that I want to give attention to.” 

Needs and Values/External Events: “Well, I am needing understanding. I was rushing because I lost track of time working on that group project due today. I really value contribution and want to make sure I did a thorough job. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to give more of a tip, too. Because understanding the values of hard work and contributing to another’s well-being is important to me.” 

Endeavors: “I feel more at ease. I am more connected to how I want to offer what I can, when I can. I want others to know I value their work. I feel freed up to make choices around my values.” 

Back to the Little and Big “G” guilts. Perhaps one leads to another in an unfolding, interconnected way. Being with guilt can be a journey, opening us up to options we may not have become aware of had we been preoccupied with the “shoulds” and the stories. And yes, through this process we may also open ourselves up to more vulnerable or painful memories, the Big “G” kind. This is where support comes in.

As we continue to deepen our curiosity around guilt, here are a couple more questions to consider how it may show up in relationships:

1. Are you afraid of bringing up feelings in another person by sharing your needs and values? If so, which feelings? Why are these feelings scary?

2. How much control do you have over the situation? 

Through this process, we have welcomed guilt in and learned from it’s wisdom. New possibilities become available once we tap in and listen. I mean, hey, maybe I can reach out to some friends who want to help me re-organize my hall closet! 

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