The Role of Couples Therapy in Relationship Growth

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the unique dance of relationships, there are moments of joy, laughter, and connection, but there are also times of challenge, disagreement, and even heartbreak. Navigating the ebbs and flows of a partnership requires resilience, understanding, and, sometimes, a little extra support. That's where couples therapy comes into play—a safe space where relationships are nurtured, vulnerabilities embraced, and the journey of love unfolds.

Picture this: a couple, once deeply in love, now finding themselves at a crossroads. The initial spark that brought them together is dimming, replaced by misunderstandings and a sense of disconnect. It's a scenario familiar to many, and it's essential to recognize that seeking help is not a sign of weakness but rather a courageous step toward healing and growth.

In the world we live in, couples often face challenges that can strain even the strongest bonds. Work pressures, family dynamics, and personal struggles can create a rift between partners. Couples therapy, facilitated by a trained and empathetic professional, offers a dedicated space for open communication, a fundamental building block for any successful relationship.

One of the primary benefits of couples therapy lies in its ability to provide a neutral ground for dialogue. It's easy for conversations to become emotionally charged, leading to a cycle of misunderstandings and unmet needs. A skilled therapist acts as a guide, steering conversations away from blame and towards understanding. They empower couples to express their thoughts and feelings in a way that fosters empathy and connection.

Couples therapy equips partners with effective communication tools that extend beyond the therapy session itself. Learning to listen actively, express emotions authentically, and validate each other's experiences are skills that can transform how couples navigate challenges in their day-to-day lives. It's not about erasing disagreements but rather creating a roadmap to navigate them constructively.

In the therapeutic space, couples can explore the roots of their challenges and patterns that may be contributing to their struggles. Whether it's unresolved past issues, unmet expectations, or differing communication styles, the therapist guides the couple in uncovering these underlying dynamics. This process is not about assigning blame but rather about gaining insight and fostering a deeper understanding of each other.

Empathy plays a pivotal role in the transformative journey of couples therapy. The therapist facilitates a compassionate space where both partners can share their vulnerabilities without fear of judgment. Through this process, couples often discover hidden aspects of their relationship, leading to a renewed sense of intimacy and connection. It's important to know that couples therapy isn’t only for relationships on the brink of collapse. In reality, seeking professional guidance at the early signs of distress can prevent deeper issues from taking root. Think of it as proactive care for your relationship—much like going to the doctor for a check-up for preventative healthcare. 

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, couples therapy is a powerful tool for relationships navigating the complexities of life. It shows the strength and commitment of partners willing to invest in the well-being of their connection. The therapeutic journey is not about fixing what's broken but rather about cultivating a resilient, loving partnership that can work through the complexities of life. If you’re ready to get started, we have a team of skilled therapists ready to support you and your partner. CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on relationship growth, check out these books below:

1. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships” by Patrick King 

6. “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

8. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

10. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

Building Intimacy: The Power of Emotionally Focused Therapy

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the world of relationships, things can get tricky. Imagine feeling stuck in a pattern of communication that leaves both partners feeling unheard or disconnected. If you've ever experienced tension or distance in your relationship, you're not alone. This blog explores the dynamics of connection, offering simple strategies for couples seeking a clearer path to understanding and strengthening their bond with Emotionally Focused Therapy. Read on if you've ever wondered how to break free from negative patterns and foster a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner.

Understanding Emotionally Focused Therapy

EFT operates on a structured and evidence-based approach, offering a framework tailored to the unique needs of couples. Rather than approaching your concerns blindly, think of EFT as a strategic roadmap, allowing us to assess where you are, understand the journey you've taken, and chart a course for where you want to go. Emotionally focused therapy is effective for couples enduring hardships for several reasons. Its success can be attributed to the principles embedded in the approach. 

1. Attachment Theory Foundation: EFT is rooted in attachment theory, which shows that we, as humans, have an innate need for secure emotional bonds. These bonds provide a sense of safety and support, influencing how you navigate relationships.
   

2. Emotion as a Key Agent of Change: EFT strongly emphasizes emotions and their role in shaping our behavior and interactions. We tend to view emotions as obstacles, however, EFT views emotions as valuable sources of information that can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner.
   

3. Identification and Expression of Emotions: Because EFT emphasizes emotions, you are encouraged to identify and communicate those emotions to your partner. By doing this, you and your partner create an open, and safe climate of emotional honesty and vulnerability.
   

4. The Negative Cycle and Attachment Injury: EFT also supports identifying negative cycles and patterns that couples may fall into. These cycles can include miscommunications and emotional distancing. Becoming aware of these cycles is crucial for intervention and moving forward. Within the negative cycles, there are often attachment injuries. Attachment injuries are when one or both partners feel rejected or emotionally hurt. These injuries can contribute to the continued negative patterns within the relationship.
   

5. Creating a Secure Base: The goal of emotionally focused therapy is to create a secure emotional base for the therapeutic process. By doing this, it allows for a secure base for the couple to fall back on as they continue to navigate their relationship moving forward.  
   

6. Responsiveness to the Needs of the Relationship: Everyone’s relationship is completely unique, which is why this approach can be customized to your needs. Your therapist tailors interventions to address specific issues, fostering a collaborative and individualized approach.
   

7. Short-term and Goal-Oriented: EFT is designed to be a relatively short-term therapeutic approach with specific goals. The focus is on efficiently addressing core issues and providing couples with tools for ongoing self-management.

8. Consolidation and Integration: The final stage of EFT involves consolidating the positive changes achieved during your therapy sessions. Couples will start to integrate these changes into their daily lives and apply new ways of relating independently.

Who is EFT for? 

Emotionally Focused Therapy stands as a versatile solution for many different relationship challenges. Whether you and your partner are struggling with miscommunication, feeling emotionally distant, stuck in loops of conflicts, or navigating the ebbs and flows of life, EFT can offer the support you need to maintain or build a secure relationship. Even in stable relationships, EFT provides a sacred space for exploring deeper intimacy. At its core, EFT flourishes when both partners commit to positive change, actively engaging in the collaborative journey toward understanding, reshaping, and enhancing their relationship dynamics.

Final Thoughts

Remember, your relationship is unique, and EFT recognizes and respects that uniqueness. It's not about one-size-fits-all solutions; it's about crafting an individualized path to understanding, renewal, and fulfillment. If the insights shared here resonate with you, maybe it's time to consider EFT as a valuable resource for your relationship journey. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are available to provide the support, guidance, and tools needed to navigate challenges and strengthen your connection. Take that next step toward a more fulfilling relationship.  Your relationship deserves the care and attention that will lead it toward lasting happiness and satisfaction. Reach out for therapy services today by scheduling a free phone consultation!

Additional Resources

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on relationship growth, check out these books below:

1. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King 

6. 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson

8. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate by Harriet Lerner

10. Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone by Mark Goulston

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

In the Moment: A Guide to Mindful Relationship Practices

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Life seems to demand so much of us lately, and in the midst of our busy lives, the essence of being fully present in the moment often gets lost. It’s no secret that our world is digitally-driven and because of that we might find ourselves continually multitasking with our minds racing from one thing to another. This lack of mindfulness can take a toll on various aspects of our lives, including our relationships. In this blog, we'll explore the significant impact mindfulness can have on relationships and how cultivating this practice can strengthen the connections we share with others.

The Importance of Mindfulness in Relationships

If you’re unsure of what practicing mindfulness is, it’s the art of being fully engaged in the present moment, free of judgment. This means that your awareness is brought to what is happening right in front of you free of labels, criticism, or evaluation of what you are experiencing. It involves accepting things as they are, without the interference of preconceived thoughts or opinions. 

When we apply mindfulness to our relationships, it becomes a powerful tool that can transform the way we connect with others and even ourselves. Distractions are abundant, however if we allow ourselves to engage in the present within our relationships we can bring our attention back to the here and now which cultivates a deeper and more meaningful connection. 

The Role of Mindful Communication

Communication is the foundation of any secure relationship and by incorporating mindfulness we can significantly enhance the quality of our communication by promoting active listening and genuine engagement. Oftentimes, we might find ourselves formulating a response in our minds while the other person is speaking, leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for connection. 

Mindful communication involves truly listening to the other person, absorbing their words, responding thoughtfully, and gently communicating any misunderstanding. By being fully present in the conversation, there is respect that is demonstrated creating an environment where both people feel heard and understood. When we are fully engaged in the conversation it can dissolve conflicts, strengthen emotional bonds, and create a deeper sense of intimacy.

Mindfulness in Conflict Resolution

Every relationship faces challenges, and conflicts are inevitable. However, how we navigate and resolve these conflicts can make a significant difference in the strength of our connections. Mindfulness equips us with the ability to approach conflicts with a calm and centered mindset.

When conflicts come up, you can take a moment to breathe and center yourself before responding, by doing this you can support in preventing impulsive reactions that may further exacerbate the situation. 

We all want our emotions and thoughts to be acknowledged and validated. If you practice mindfulness, it can allow you to acknowledge our emotions without being overwhelmed by them. If we engage with the overwhelming emotions during a conflict it tends to get messy. However, by being fully present in the process, you can understand the other person's perspective and work together towards a solution that strengthens your relationship with them.

Cultivating Empathy Through Mindfulness

Have you ever desired that someone could just read your mind? They would know exactly what you need at that moment, right? Unfortunately, that isn’t reality, however, cultivating empathy, could be that component you’re looking for. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. The practice of mindfulness plays a major role in learning to cultivate empathy by encouraging us to step into the shoes of those that we love and experience their emotions with an open heart.

When you’re present with them it allows you to pick up on the subtle cues, both verbal and non-verbal, that the other person might be giving off. This heightened awareness allows you to respond with compassion and understanding. By doing this you create a supportive and nurturing environment within the relationship you care about. 

Nurturing Self-Awareness for Better Relationships

Mindfulness is not only about being attuned to others but also about developing self-awareness. Being able to understand your own thoughts, emotions, and reactions is fundamental to building secure relationships. When we are mindful of our own internal landscape, we can navigate the intricacies of our relationships more effectively.

Through mindfulness practices such as meditation and self-reflection, you can gain perspective into your own patterns and emotional triggers. If you allow yourself to cultivate this self-awareness, it can empower you to break free from habits that might stifle you and make room for personal growth. 

Final Thoughts 

The practice of mindfulness offers a holistic remedy for the challenges we face in our relationships. By cultivating a present and mindful approach to life, we can enhance communication, navigate conflicts with grace, and create a deeper sense of empathy and connection with the world around us. Mindfulness is not just a personal journey but it affects the experiences we encounter on a daily basis and can transform the dynamics of relationships, making them more resilient, fulfilling, and secure. 

If you find that you need support navigating mindfulness or your relationships, consider speaking with a holistic therapist. Holistic therapists offer their support to engage your mind, body, and spirit. CLICK HERE to schedule a phone consultation with one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy today!  

Affirmations for Cultivating Mindful Relationships

1. I approach conversations with openness and curiosity, seeking to understand rather than to be understood.

2. I am fully present in this moment, giving my undivided attention to the person in front of me.

3. I release judgment and cultivate compassion, allowing others and myself the space to grow and evolve.

4. I am committed to self-awareness, recognizing and understanding my own emotions and patterns for the benefit of our connection.

5. I express gratitude for the shared moments, big and small, that contribute to the strength and depth of our relationship.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on relationship growth, check out these books below:

1. "The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman

2. "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" by John Gray

3. “The Relationship Cure: A 5-Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships" by John Gottman

4. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

5. "Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert

6. "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown

7. "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" by Kristin Neff 

8. "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown

9. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach

10. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

The Communication Blueprint: Enhancing Communication and Emotional Connection

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever found yourself in the midst of a conversation and felt like you were speaking two different languages? Or maybe you were trying to convey your feelings to someone, but they seemed completely unable to grasp the depth of your emotions? Communication, despite being an integral part of our everyday lives, can often be one of the most challenging aspects of any relationship. Whether it's with a partner, a family member, a friend, or a colleague, how we communicate can profoundly impact the quality of our connections. Humans are inherently social beings and creating connections is vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing. Having secure relationships can provide a sense of safety, trust, and support, which cultivates a stable foundation for navigating life's challenges. When we feel emotionally secure with those in our lives, we experience reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. 

These types of relationships can foster open communication, empathy, and validation, which allows us to express ourselves freely without fear of judgment. The emotional connection and understanding we find in secure relationships promote feelings of belonging and importance which can boost our self-esteem and a sense of purpose. Having someone to lean on when you’re going through a hard time can create a buffer against emotional confusion and promote resilience that you can carry with you. In short, secure relationships nourish our mental health, helping us thrive emotionally and lead fulfilling lives. In this blog, we will give you the tools to improve your communication skills and create a deeper connection with yourself and those around you. 

The Communication Blueprint

1. Active Listening - Active listening is a foundational skill for effective communication. Many of us may believe we are good listeners, but true active listening goes beyond just hearing words. It involves giving your full attention to the person talking, maintaining eye contact, and showing genuine interest in what they are saying. Try to avoid interrupting or formulating responses while the other person is speaking; instead, focus on understanding their perspective before reacting.
   

2. Use "I" Statements - When discussing sensitive or emotional topics, use "I" statements rather than "you" statements. For example, say "I feel hurt when this happens" instead of "You always do this." This simple shift in language helps prevent blame and defensiveness, creating a safer space for open dialogue and understanding.
   

3. Empathy and Validation - Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. Validating someone's emotions doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but rather acknowledging their feelings as real and legitimate. It fosters a sense of emotional support and reassurance, strengthening the emotional bond between individuals.
   

4. Be Mindful of Non-Verbal Cues - Communication isn't limited to spoken words; non-verbal cues play a significant role too. Be aware of what your body and facial expression are saying, they can convey emotions that words might not capture fully. Similarly, also be aware of the other person's non-verbal cues so that you can gain better insights into their feelings and reactions.
   

5. Timing is Everything -  This is a big one! Bringing up important discussions during stressful or emotional moments can lead to unnecessary conflicts. Be sure to choose an appropriate time and place for discussions that might require attention and emotional investment. It’s also wise to avoid discussing serious matters when one or both of you are tired, angry, or distracted.
   

6. Avoid the Blame Game - When conflicts arise, it can be so easy to point fingers and lay blame on the other person. Instead, focus on the specific issue at hand and communicate with the mission of finding a solution together. Remember, it's not about winning an argument but working as a team to resolve conflicts.
   

7. Express Appreciation and Affection - Validating and affirming the other person is a powerful tool. It brings gratitude to your mind and it can fill the other person’s self-esteem tank. This can diffuse strong emotions both of you might be feeling. A simple "thank you" or a loving gesture can go a long way.
   

8. Seek Professional Help if Needed - Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication challenges persist. Seeking the help of a relationship therapist can be beneficial. They can provide valuable insights, facilitate productive conversations, and offer tools to enhance communication within the relationship that is unique to you and your situation.
   

9. Practice Patience - Improving communication in a relationship takes time and effort. Remember to be patient with yourself and the other person as you both learn and grow together. Do your best to avoid getting frustrated if progress seems slow; small steps toward better communication are still progress. 
   

10. Celebrate Differences - Remember that every individual is unique,  and views the world through their individual lens. Differences in communication styles are normal!  Embracing these differences rather than viewing them as obstacles can ground you in the midst of your conversations. The diversity in communication can offer new perspectives and opportunities for growth.

Final Thoughts

The significance of secure relationships for mental health cannot be overstated. These connections act as pillars of emotional stability, providing a safety where we can share our joys and vulnerabilities without judgment. The support, understanding, and trust found in these relationships can create a sense of belonging and acceptance that nurtures our self-esteem and well-being. When we prioritize creating secure relationships, we invest in a  journey of growth and self-discovery. If you’re ready to invest in yourself and in your relationships, Life By Design Therapy has a team of skilled therapists who are eager to work with you. They provide individualized care for each of their clients. If you would like to find out more information, CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation.

Additional Resources

1. “ 4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

2. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

3. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

4. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

5. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

6. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

7. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

8. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

9. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

10. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships by Patrick King

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Moving Forward Together: 5 Strategies to Working Through Conflict

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Conflict…some people embrace it, others run from it. However, we all know that conflict is a natural part of human interaction. Whether it's a disagreement with a friend, a spat with a family member, or tension with a colleague, conflicts can test the relationships we share with others. These moments, though, give us opportunities to learn, grow and deepen our connections with each other. Conflict resolution is not about seeking dominance or proving someone wrong; it is about creating a safe space where all of those involved can express themselves without fear of judgment and finding an outcome that feels comfortable. Communication that is rooted in compassion and empathy offers a pathway to open dialogue that moves us away from blame and toward resolution and connection. In this blog, we will explore 5 steps to work through conflict in your relationships in a constructive and healing way. 

Why is it Important to Resolve Conflicts? 

Communication is the backbone of any relationship. It is through communication that we express our thoughts, share our feelings, and develop a sense of understanding and belonging in society. Resolving conflicts isn't just about smoothing out rough patches in our relationships; it impacts our mental health and well-being. Conflicts that continue to go unaddressed can lead to feelings of stress, anxiety, and frustration. These emotions can take a toll on our mental health, which can lead to sleep disturbances, mood disorders, and even a weakened immune system. 

On the other hand, actively working through conflicts can create a sense of relief and empowerment. When we address conflicts with open communication, empathy, and non-judgment we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. This self-awareness contributes positively to our mental health, cultivating a deeper sense of emotional resilience and self-confidence.

5 Steps to Resolve Conflicts

1. Start With Your Feelings - When you start your discussion, take a moment to reflect on how you felt during the conflict. Were you hurt, frustrated, or anxious? Share your emotions honestly and openly with the other person, using "I" statements to express yourself without blaming or criticizing. Remember that acknowledging your feelings is not a sign of weakness; it's a way to communicate your vulnerability and create a safe space for the other person to do the same.
   
   

2. Share Your Experience - Share your experience of the situation, by describing what happened from your perspective. Be specific and avoid making assumptions about the other person's intentions. Focus on the actions or words that triggered the conflict, and how they made you feel. Actively listen when the other person shares their experiences, giving them the same respect and understanding you desire.
   
   

3. Identify Your Triggers - Identify the specific triggers that contributed to the conflict. Triggers can be anything that brings up intense emotions or reminds you of past hurts. By understanding your triggers, you can communicate them to the other person, helping them be more mindful of their actions. Avoid assigning blame; instead, explain how certain actions or words affected you due to past experiences.
   
   

4. Take Responsibility For Your Part - Taking responsibility for our own actions and words is essential in resolving conflicts compassionately. Acknowledge any mistakes you made during the argument and be open to apologizing if necessary. Avoid being defensive and instead, strive to empathize with the other person's feelings and experiences. Remember that we all have flaws, and admitting them is a sign of strength and self-awareness.
   
   

5. Create a Plan - To prevent similar conflicts in the future, work together to create a plan that promotes understanding and empathy. Discuss ways to improve communication, such as active listening and using "I" statements to express feelings and needs. Establish boundaries that respect each other's triggers and commit to treating one another with compassion and empathy. If necessary, consider seeking the support of a mediator or counselor to help navigate challenging situations.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, resolving conflicts compassionately through empathic and open communication is an opportunity for growth and deeper connections with others. By focusing on your feelings, sharing experiences, understanding triggers, taking responsibility, and making plans for the future, we can transform conflicts into learning experiences and strengthen our relationships. Remember that conflict is a part of life, but how we approach and navigate it can make all the difference in our own emotional and mental health. Embrace compassion as a guiding principle in resolving conflicts, and you will pave the way for more meaningful relationships. Having someone to be an unbiased support can be beneficial as well. If you are struggling with communication or with relationships in your life, consider reaching out to one of our team members. You can schedule your free phone consultation HERE.

Additional Resources

1. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler

2. "Verbal Judo: The Gentle Art of Persuasion" by George J. Thompson and Jerry B. Jenkins

3. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg

4. "The Art of Communicating" by Thich Nhat Hanh

5. ”How to Listen with Intention: The Foundation of True Connection, Communication, and Relationships” by Patrick King 

6. “4 Essential Keys to Effective Communication in Love, Life, Work--Anywhere!: Including the "12-Day Communication Challenge!" by Bento C. Leal III

7. "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Sue Johnson

8. "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

9. "The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate" by Harriet Lerner

10. "Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone" by Mark Goulston

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Begin Healing from Familial Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

I have encountered a lot of things in my time as a therapist, however, one of the common deep-rooted issues people come to me with stems from the way they grew up. Everyone has a different upbringing but there is often a deep seeded trauma that is recognized throughout our sessions that point to a cyclic pattern within the family system. It ranges from addiction, the way they were parented and punishment styles growing up, and even the way their parents would relate to them. These patterns have shaped the way my clients engage in relationships, and perceive themselves and their worth and even their world views. All of these things can be categorized under the umbrella of Familial Trauma. 

What is Familial Trauma? 

Familial trauma is the consequence of living with traumatic events and memories that were unintentionally passed on from generation to generation. Because it’s such a deeply ingrained experience within the family it can have lasting impacts on individuals into adulthood. Familial trauma can manifest itself in many ways such as disassociation, estrangement, and even addiction. For example, if you had a parent that couldn’t self-regulate, you may also suffer from the inability to regulate your nervous system even in minor situations. You might also develop the habit of putting everyone else's needs before your own. This is due to having to suppress your own emotions to accommodate your family members. In situations like this, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and overwhelm. The cycle of trauma is present because typically your family members were raised by parents who could also not regulate their nervous systems, as well. This is only one example of familial trauma, however, many other situations can cause challenges to overcome as you grow. 

How Do We Break the Cycle?

1. Become Aware of Your Own Patterns - Many people who have experienced familial trauma have a tendency to minimize or even deny the effects of what they’ve experienced especially if it’s something that commonly occurs in their family dynamic. It is important to become aware of any hurt or pain that you’ve endured as well as recognize if you have picked up any of the cyclic behaviors yourself. “Awareness is like the sun, when it shines, things are transformed” - Thich Nhat Hanh
   

2. Allow The Relationships to Change - this part can be complex and challenging. By recognizing and implementing the importance of breaking the cycles and healing your trauma, your family might push back. Finding space within yourself to settle with the fact that your relationships will look different will make the healing journey just a little bit easier.
   

3. Take Care of You - When working through trauma, one of the best things you can do for yourself is care for your own needs. Especially when working through familial trauma, some people may find it challenging to care for themselves. This can look like starting a new routine, finding a new hobby that makes you happy, and setting boundaries.
   

4. Find Forgiveness - Forgiveness is another aspect of the healing process. Forgiveness is not about condoning or forgetting the past but rather about letting go of anger and resentment towards those who have hurt us. Forgiveness can be a difficult leap to make, but it is a crucial step in the healing process because it allows us to move forward with a greater sense of inner peace and freedom.
   

5. Reach Out - As we discussed, familial trauma is something that can be so ingrained within us, we need people in our corner who are going to actively listen, support and encourage us to continue to press forward rather than return to our familiar ways. Not only are friends a great support, but having a therapist can also be beneficial to your journey. A therapist will carry modalities to support your individual needs, and provide an unbiased space for you to work through the things you need to. 

Creating a new legacy is the goal of the healing process. Breaking the cycle of trauma by learning healthy coping mechanisms, practicing self-compassion, and taking steps toward creating a positive future will benefit future generations. We understand that breaking cycles is a complex and highly unique voyage. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have trauma-informed and culturally competent staff to support you as you walk through your healing journey. If you are ready to start healing CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation with one of our staff members.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

A Guide to Healing from Relational Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever felt like your past experiences have left you with emotional scars that you just can't seem to shake off? Do you find it difficult to trust others or form healthy relationships because of past trauma? Relational trauma could be the culprit. Relational trauma can have a profound impact on a person's ability to connect with others and can lead to many things, such as anxiety, depression, and even physical health problems. In this blog, we'll explore what relational trauma is, and what can be done to heal from it.

What is Relational Trauma? 

Relational trauma is a term used to shed light on the impact of traumatic experiences within relationships. Relational trauma can stem anywhere from a childhood of abuse or abandonment, or negative interactions as an adult with coworkers, and friends. 

Healing from relational trauma is a complex process that requires time, patience, and support. For some, it can be a deeply painful and difficult experience to navigate. However, it's important to remember that you are not alone in your struggle and that healing is possible. With the right strategies for recovery and growth, you can begin to find a sense of peace and resilience in the face of this trauma. 

Strategies for Trauma Recovery and Growth

1. Acknowledge the Impact of Trauma - The first step in healing from relational trauma is acknowledging its impact on your life. This means becoming aware of the ways these experiences have affected your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It may involve acknowledging difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, anger, and sadness. During your acknowledgment journey remember the trauma you’ve experienced is not your fault and that healing is possible.

2. Practice Self-Care - Whatever self-care looks like for you, it is an essential piece to the puzzle of your healing journey. This may include exercise, eating a balanced diet, prioritizing sleep, practicing relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga, and engaging in activities that bring you joy and pleasure. However, self-care can also look like setting boundaries and saying no to activities or relationships that do not serve your well-being.

3. Cultivate Resilience - Resilience is the ability to weather difficulties and recover quickly. It involves developing skills such as problem-solving, stress management, and emotional regulation. Relational trauma, it can also involve nurturing the positive relationships you have and engaging in activities that promote a sense of purpose and meaning. 

4. Process Traumatic Memories - Trauma memories can be overwhelming and have the ability to resurface unexpectedly. It can be beneficial to seek support from a therapist or trauma specialist to process these memories and make sense of them. When seeking out a therapist look for those that utilize techniques such as Somatic Therapy, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, or additional trauma training. By processing the traumatic memories it can help reduce the intensity of emotions and help you move forward to live your life with a sense of worth and security. 

Final Thoughts

Healing from relational trauma is a unique process for every individual and requires time, patience, and support. It is possible to recover from trauma and grow into a happier, healthier, and more fulfilled person. Remember, healing is possible, and you are not alone. 

Here at Life By Design Therapy, we have a trauma-informed staff that utilizes modalities such as CBT, Holistic and Somatic Therapy techniques to support you on your journey. If you are interested in getting started, CLICK HERE to schedule a free phone consultation with a therapist of your choice. 

Additional Resources

If you would like to learn more about different forms of trauma and how to heal, below are a few books to expand your knowledge.

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma by Pete Walker

2. My Grandmother's Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem

3. “Silent Sons: A Book for and About Men" by Robert Ackerman

4. “The Emotionally Absent Mother: How to Recognize and Heal the Invisible Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect” by Jasmin Lee Cori

5. "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

6. "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson

7. The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

8. Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis 

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The Surprising Truth About Compatible Relationships

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Did you love them? Of course...Did they love you? Absolutely. So why didn’t work out? This is a question so many couples have asked themselves. And maybe this blog will help give you some understanding and fresh eyes on your situation. Unfortunately, what it comes down to is love and compatibility are two different things. We, as emotional beings, tend to mix these two things up. 

Compatibility, according to Merriam-Webster, is the ability to co-exist in harmony or something designed to work with another device or system without modification. People often believe that compatibility means two people are the same or very similar to each other. This is not true. Compatibility is about how two people can complement each other and balance their differences.

COMPATIBILITY VS CHEMISTRY

The butterflies, doe eyes, and mushy phrases pay tribute to the chemistry between two people. Chemistry with someone is the emotional connection between those that are in the relationship. It's that spark! Compatibility, on the other hand, is like that rational best friend. It brings a sense of balance to the relationship. You can have compatibility with someone without really feeling anything for them or feeling attracted to them. Compatibility usually refers to how well two people work together on a professional level or how easy they are to live with on a personal level.  So how do you determine compatibility? To determine compatibility, you need to know what someone is like and how they prefer things done in their life. But, you also need to know what you are like and what you want, as well. This is true for all relationships, from friendships to romantic ones.

Here are a few questions to ask your partner…

1. Does anything ever stop you from apologizing, even when you’re wrong? 

2. Do you desire a long-term partnership?  

3. Do you believe in non-monogamy?

4. What are your views on finances between couples? 

5. Do you believe in spirituality? If so, where are you at in your spiritual journey? 

6. How would you support your partner in following their dreams? 

7. What was your relationship like with your parents growing up and how do you see that it’s affected you now? 

Compatibility Isn’t Perfection

Contrary to how it may come across, compatibility is not perfection! I’m sure your ideal partner is someone who fits into your life without compromise. Which is much like dating yourself. Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. Relationships are meant to challenge you to some degree. If you were never challenged, you would never grow as a person. Compatibility isn’t all or nothing. It’s easy to disqualify people and choose to not get to know them if you find that there is one interest that does not align with yours. There is work involved in the togetherness of a relationship, but it’s how well you work together to reach your goals and dreams that determines compatibility. 

HAVING A STRONG FOUNDATION

To manage a safe and trusting relationship, it’s always good to be mentally and emotionally secure yourself. Having practices of self-care and self-growth will promote healthy communication between you and a partner. One of the ways to support yourself is to have a solid support system to bounce ideas off of, vent when needed, and provide tools to continue to move forward with your personal journey. 

Therapy is an amazing tool to have in your relationship toolbox. There is a misconception that you have to have a “mental illness” to attend therapy, this just simply isn't true. Attending therapy as an individual has many benefits, but when you attend with your partner, your growth opportunities are endless. Asking your partner to attend regular therapy is a great way to determine compatibility and build a solid, trusting, and emotionally honest relationship. If you are interested in speaking with a qualified clinician, click HERE to schedule a free phone consultation to explore your options. 

The Power of Dealbreakers: How Knowing What You Won't Tolerate Can Save You Heartache

By Melody Wright, LMFT

We’ve all been there at one point or another. Glued to our couch, calling our friends with tissues galore, mindlessly scrolling and doing whatever we can to try to feel a little better. Another relationship. Another heartbreak. The pain is real.  The loss is present.  It hurts so bad. 

During this difficult time, it's normal to question “what went wrong?”. 

There are three things that can never be returned: time, words, and love. And while it is easy to get caught up in the moment you're falling for someone, it's important to know what your dealbreakers are from the start. Being in a secure, connected, enjoyable and emotionally safe relationship is key, so before stepping into your next relationship determine what your absolute dealbreakers are. Here's a few ideas to support your journey…

1. Abuse - this is any type of abuse such as Physical, Mental, or Emotional. Unfortunately, when abuse occurs many people may feel like it will never happen again. Remember that you are worth having safe and secure relationships and it's important to be clear on your boundaries around this.

2. They’re Hiding You - while timing is relevant here, this should be a red flag that something may not be right. If they are clearly keeping you a secret, it's best to discuss this with them and be direct.  If they are not able to be transparent about their reasoning, this could indicate some serious problems that could show up later in the relationship (i.e. cheating, feeling embarrassed by you or difficulty committing to a serious relationship). 

3. Substance Abuse and Addiction - you might find yourself in a situation where you are put in a compromising position with drugs or alcohol, especially if you have a family history or strong personal beliefs around drug and alcohol use.  If this is you, it's important to ground yourself in what is acceptable to you and what situations may be too much.  Being in a relationship with someone with an addiction can be taxing, build resentments, and create conflict so having these open and honest conversations is key.

There are many other things that can go unnoticed while in the excitement of a new relationship. Besides the major dealbreakers here are a few questions to ask yourself when deciding what your dealbreakers are…

1. Are they able to set their own boundaries? 

2. Do they know how to identify their needs and communicate them? 

3. How do they handle feedback or boundary setting? 

4. What is their response when they are angry or offended? 

5. What are their thoughts on marriage and children?

6. What are their political and spiritual values and stances? 

7. What is their communication style and how do they handle uncomfortable situations? 

Now that you have some questions to chew on, let's talk about why it is important to know the dealbreakers before you step into the relationship. When you are in a relationship where you’re having to compromise yourself to keep someone around, it can really take a toll on your mental health. It can create feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, and potential anxiety and depression. Ultimately, life is way too short to spend it with someone who doesn’t align with your values and the things that are important to you. However, it's also up to you to know what you are willing to tolerate in a relationship and communicate that clearly with yourself and your partner. 

We encourage you to recognize your value as a person who is worth having your needs met and that it's okay to have boundaries.  If you feel as though you are having a difficult time maneuvering a relationship you’re in or finding your dealbreakers, consider reaching out to one of our skilled clinicians by clicking HERE to schedule a phone consultation. 

Reclaiming Your Power: Steps to Begin Healing from Relationship Trauma

By Melody Wright, LMFT

A bad relationship can negatively impact our self-esteem, our ability to trust others, and affect our overall well being. It can also leave us with the daunting task to “undo” or heal from trauma that was experienced during our time in said relationship. While healing from relationship trauma will not happen overnight, it is important for you to know that healing can happen with time and by having the right tools.   

Whether you’ve recently left a long-term abusive spouse, or have ended a relationship over a single traumatic event such as infidelity, relationship trauma can create feelings of rage or anger toward your ex-partner and even yourself. In order to process your feelings and move forward toward a healthier version of yourself, or a healthier relationship with a new partner, it is important to address the feelings you have associated with your previous relationship and partner. 

Once you feel like you are ready to begin moving on from your last relationship, consider the following tips to kickstart your journey toward healing:

• Build, or rebuild, your support system: Your last relationship may have created some distance between you and your friends or family. Having a support system of trusted individuals can help provide you with listening ears and shoulders to lean on in moments where you feel alone. Consider reaching out to your friends and family to let them know you would appreciate their support at this time. If you find it difficult to share details about your current situation with friends and family, look into support groups in your area that focus on healing from abusive or unhealthy relationships. 

• Create a new routine: Creating a new routine may help provide you with the fresh start you need to begin healing. We recommend that your new routine include ways to address both your physical and emotional needs. Ensuring you have time to prepare and eat well-balanced meals, get regular sleep, spend time outdoors, and implement self-care techniques are all great ways to begin nurturing your body and mind. 

• Establish boundaries: Talking about your previous relationship or seeing your ex-partner on social media may bring back negative feelings or trigger difficult emotions for you. Take some time to identify and establish boundaries that will help you process your feelings at your own pace and protect your peace. This can include unfollowing or blocking your ex-partner on your social networks, asking your friends or family not to bring up your past relationship, or not visiting certain parts of town to minimize the chances of running into your ex-partner. 

Some break-ups are more difficult to process than others. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed or unable to cope with the feelings you have associated with the break-up, it may be a good time to schedule an appointment with a therapist. We encourage you to book a phone consultation today for more information. 

Practical Tips for Improving Communication with Your Partner

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Talking to your partner during conflict is not always easy or constructive. When stressors are at an all-time high and patience is at an all-time low, it can make for a very difficult conversation or a potential argument. If you’re finding it hard to communicate with your partner during conflict, it may be time to change your approach. Here are some communication skills and strategies that you can practice next time you’re in the middle of conflict with your significant other:

Create a time and space to connect and converse.

It is easy to get lost in the daily hustle and bustle of work, chores, pet or childcare, and other scheduled commitments. Sometimes, this means not being able to have a real conversation with your partner in weeks, or even months despite experiencing problems in your relationship. Being intentional about setting a recurring time and date to talk can help give you and your partner the space you need to truly connect, not just “talk.” Creating this time can also give you an opportunity to routinely check-in with each other about an ongoing concern as opposed to letting frustration build-up overtime. 

Listen to understand, not to respond.

When you are frustrated, upset, or sensitive about a certain topic, it may be easy to become defensive when your partner brings this specific topic up (ie. division of chores, current finances, relationships with your in-laws, etc.). Our defensiveness usually manifests itself by interrupting or responding to our partner before they have even had a chance to finish sharing their thoughts. With that said, it is important to understand why your partner is bringing up this topic in the first place. Listening to understand is a skill that can take some time to learn, but can drastically improve the dynamic in your conversations with your partner and with others. When you are able to listen to your partner’s complete thought or story before jumping in with a response, you are able to better understand where they are coming from, and can then respond to your partner’s concern without becoming defensive. 

Be fully present in the conversation.

Some people prefer to avoid or not engage in confrontation. While we understand that engaging in a difficult conversation is not everyone’s cup of tea, it is important that you remain fully present in conversations that you have with your partner. This means getting rid of any distractions or things that can withdraw from your attention, such as cell phones or other electronic devices. Being able to fully engage in conversations with your partner, no matter how difficult, can show your partner that you care about what they have to say and will help lessen the amount of information you would have missed due to not giving your partner your full attention. 

Avoid judging or insulting your partner.

Conflict can bring out the worst in us. When communicating with your partner during conflict, it is important to keep your composure and avoid judging or insulting your partner. A constructive conversation can quickly go south when someone decides to accuse, assume, belittle, or insult the other person. In order to increase your chances at having a constructive conversation and positive resolution, it is important that we try our hardest to avoid these “low blows.” 

We understand that implementing these strategies and suggestions to improve your communication with your partner may be easier said than done. You may also feel that no matter how hard you and your partner have tried to talk recently, you’ve hit a roadblock in your relationship and need help getting past it. Our therapists at Life By Design offer couples counseling that aims to help partners work through challenges and breaks in communication. Schedule a phone consultation today to help you and your partner get back on track with your communication and overall relationship. 

Tips for Resolving Conflict with Your Partner This Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays can bring up more arguments and friction than usual in our relationships. Traveling, visiting in-laws, and the pressure to spend money on extravagant gifts can increase our stress levels and decrease our patience. If you’re currently in the middle of conflict with your partner, or just want to prepare for potential disagreements, we hope the following strategies will help you and your partner have a harmonious holiday season.

Try not to point fingers. There’s only so much you can do when a flight gets delayed, and you’re forced to wait at the airport for more time than you anticipated. In stressful moments like these, it might be easy to shift blame and tell your partner that this is their fault (ie. “If we had booked an earlier flight like I suggested, this wouldn’t have happened”). Assigning blame won’t change your current predicament. In fact, it may even make it more stressful as you’ve now created a situation where your partner may feel hurt by your words. In situations like this, we encourage you to try and avoid pointing fingers. Instead, see if you can come together as a team to seek other potential options or making the most out of the additional time you have to spend airport (ie. Can you get some online shopping done while you wait at the terminal?). 

Avoid criticizing your partner. We get it, you’re in the middle of a store full of impatient shoppers, and your partner has yet again forgotten their wallet at home. All you can think of saying is “how can you be so forgetful?!” We know it may take a lot of effort, but we encourage you to take a pause whenever you feel like stating a negative critique toward your partner. This is a stressful moment for you both, and your partner may have had a lot on their mind before leaving the house. Instead of criticizing, try to find a solution to fix the immediate problem, then take time to talk about this once you’ve cooled down and settled in at home. You may find that there is a simple fix to an ongoing problem once you’ve taken the time to talk to each other (ie. Putting a box next to the door to store your partner’s wallet may give them a visual reminder to grab it before leaving the house.)

Identify the problem and choose to face it together. Sometimes all you need is a shift in your mindset. Instead of feeling like it’s you versus your partner, consider changing the dynamic to you and your partner versus the problem. When you decide to work together to face a problem, you may realize that you no longer want to argue with your partner. Redirecting your focus may also help you come up with a solution quicker as your goal is now to fight the problem, not each other. 

Create an exit strategy. Sometimes being with extended family can be physically and emotionally exhausting, especially after limiting physical interactions over the last few months. If you or your partner know that spending too much time with in-laws has created high levels of tension in the past, it’s better to plan ahead. This will help you provide you with some options and hopefully prevent you from taking out your stress on each other. Whether it’s choosing to stay at a hotel instead of your in-law’s house or having a code word when you are ready to head home, respecting each other’s choice to leave at a reasonable time may help you end your night on a more positive note. 

We hope that these strategies have given you some tools to keep in your back pocket should you sense some conflict making its way into your relationship. For more information on how to handle relationship conflict, keep an eye out for our upcoming workshops. 

Unveiling Self-Sabotage: Are You Undermining Your Relationship?

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Sometimes, we run away from or reject relationships that are good for us due to our own limiting beliefs. Naturally, not all relationships are destined to work out. However, if you have ever chosen to start a fight or end an otherwise healthy relationship over something relatively unimportant, you might be guilty of self-sabotage. 

We may or may not recognize when we are sabotaging our relationships -- but if we find ourselves in a pattern of failed relationships, it is worth examining our beliefs and behaviors to see if self-sabotage may be contributing. In this blog post, we'll discuss how to notice when you might be engaging in self-sabotage, the types of self-sabotaging behaviors that often impact relationships, and what to do if you want to stop sabotaging your relationships.

What is Self-Sabotage?

Self-sabotage is the act of covertly damaging or ruining something we care about or that is beneficial to us, often without realizing it. In relationships, we might exhibit this behavior by saying something we don't mean to our partners, inciting inflammatory arguments, or even ending a happy and loving relationship for no good reason. This can lead to a pattern of repeated arguments and/or failed relationships that negatively impacts our happiness.

Oftentimes, we engage in self-sabotage because of negative core beliefs related to ourselves and others. We may think we are unworthy of love or that all relationships are destined to fail, leading us to think and behave in certain ways that impact our relationships. For example, if we believe all relationships are destined to fail, we may not give our partner our best effort or may even end the relationship preemptively to protect ourselves from heartbreak.

Types of Relationship Self-Sabotage

Relationship self-sabotage is not "one-size-fits-all." There are various ways in which we might sabotage our relationships depending upon our individual beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors.

Some examples of self-sabotaging behaviors that often affect people in relationships include:

• Getting into relationships with partners who have no long-term potential

• Comparing our current partner to a previous partner (or an "ideal partner")

• Being overly critical of our partners' characteristics, flaws, or mistakes

• Avoiding intimacy by holding back our thoughts and emotions when we feel vulnerable

• Inciting inflammatory arguments over small, insignificant problems or actions

• Only starting to feel uncertain about the relationship when it shows signs of progression

• Ending a relationship preemptively, before our partner can hurt us by ending it themself 

Why We Sabotage Our Relationships

Just as self-sabotage can look different to everyone, it can also come from different places. Many times, self-sabotage originates with a traumatic experience or self-limiting beliefs we hold about ourselves or about relationships.

Some examples of beliefs that can fuel self-sabotage include:

• I am not worthy of love.

• I am not good enough.

• Other people can't be trusted.

• My partners always leave me.

• Relationships never last.

• Intimacy is dangerous

• Vulnerability is weakness.

How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationships

Now that you understand how and why you might be sabotaging your relationships, the big question is this: how do you stop engaging in self-sabotage? Many of us who self-sabotage want to enjoy healthy, lasting relationships; we simply do not know how to do this without unintentionally sabotaging ourselves.

One way to catch yourself when you engage in self-sabotage is to understand your attachment style and how it might influence your behavior in relationships. We previously posted a series of blogs about attachment styles -- give them a read to help you understand yours and how it might influence the way you behave in relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style, you might be especially likely to self-sabotage.

The process of recognizing and correcting self-sabotage is ongoing and requires constant attention to our thoughts and behaviors. It can be challenging to undergo this process on your own, but you do not need to do it alone. Therapy can help you catch and correct negative beliefs that lead to self-sabotage. Contact Life by Design Therapy today to learn how our clinicians can help you enjoy happier, healthy relationships -- without sabotaging yourself.

Interested in attachment?

Read our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!

Narcissistic Relationships: 5 Traits Masquerading as Emotional Intimacy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Narcissistic relationships often start off on a high note, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy. An early narcissistic relationship can feel like a whirlwind, or may even convince you that you have met your soulmate. However, many of the traits we mistake for love or emotional intimacy in a narcissistic relationship are actually the result of your partner's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). 

Whether or not you choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, it's important to understand the difference between true intimacy and narcissistic traits and behaviors. While true intimacy is not impossible in a narcissistic relationship, it may not come easily to someone struggling with NPD. Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a narcissistic relationship is intensely personal. In the process of evaluating the quality of your relationship, take care that you don't confuse these characteristics of NPD with emotional intimacy.

1. Fast-Paced

Narcissistic relationships often become serious quickly. Someone with NPD may seem like they are in a rush to enter a committed relationship. They may overemphasize how compatible you are early in the relationship, or say "I love you" after a short period of time. 

While these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist, they can be a sign that the person you're with may be trying to manufacture emotional intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is moving at, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.

2. Intense

People with NPD often come on strong when dating someone new. If your partner struggles with NPD, they may initially "love-bomb" you, lavishing you with attention, affection, and gifts. This can leave you feeling conflicted when the negative side of NPD begins to show itself. 

It's important not to confuse this intensity with true intimacy. Some moments of stress or turmoil may be normal in a relationship, but a stable, intimate partnership should not feel like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time. 

3. Extremely Close

Feeling close to your romantic partner is, of course, normal and natural. However, it's important not to confuse a lack of boundaries with emotional intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you can still be close to your partner while maintaining other relationships with family and friends, as well as upholding boundaries that are important to you. 

Someone with NPD may make you feel bad for spending time with others or for asserting your need for space or independence. They may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even when you explicitly tell them what those boundaries are. But no matter what they say, this control is not the face of "closeness" or "intimacy." 

4. Jealous

It's normal to experience jealousy in a relationship from time to time, but a narcissistic partner may take jealousy to the extreme. Someone with NPD may use their jealousy to make unfounded accusations against you (for example, "are you cheating on me?"). Or, they may be jealous when you spend time with anyone who isn't them, including family or friends. 

Jealousy can become especially problematic in a narcissistic relationship if it leads to controlling or intrusive behavior, like reading your text messages without permission or trying to limit who you're allowed to see. Anytime that your partner's NPD causes them to exhibit abusive behavior, it's worth examining the health and happiness of your relationship.

5. Too Good To Be True

Someone with NPD may exaggerate or misrepresent themselves to you. In the early days of a relationship, they may also reflect your interests or hobbies back to you to seem like you have more in common than you actually do. Many times, narcissists do not have an emotional framework for authentic bonding, so they may rely on these gimmicks to grow close to you.

This does not mean that someone you are compatible with must be lying to you about it. However, you should always trust your instincts when they tell you someone may not be who they seem to be. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. Someone who claims to be your "soulmate," yet is not true to their word, definitely falls into this category.

interested in attachment?

Check out our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!

Am I Dating A Narcissist? Here's How To Tell

by Melody Wright, LMFT

First, we want to acknowledge how challenging it is to be in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist or who has narcissistic behaviors. While this blog is not meant to minimize the impact of unhealthy behaviors on your relationship, we also want to be aware of mislabeling and pathologizing someone’s behaviors.  This blog is meant to provide reflection and tools to identify narcissistic behaviors of relating to others, as well as things to consider if you think you are dating a narcissist.

Relationships are hard -- but relationships with a narcissist can feel borderline impossible. If your partner struggles with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), they may have an inflated sense of self-importance and a need for attention that becomes overwhelming in your relationship.

Someone who has been diagnosed with NPD may have little regard for other people's feelings, making them challenging partners to be in a relationship with. When you're dating a narcissist, you may suffer from emotional abuse, manipulation and a lack of long-term commitment. 

Does this remind you of your romantic relationship? Here's how to tell if you might be dating a narcissist -- and what to do about it if you are dating one.

Signs of Narcissistic Personality Disorder

So, think you might be dating a narcissist? If you suspect your partner may have NPD, you may recognize some of the following characteristics in their behavior:

• They are condescending and believe they are better than others

• They engage in excessive attempts to seek attention and admiration from others

• Their self-esteem may be overly dependent on others and/or fluctuate with their mood

• They may set unrealistically high goals based on an inflated sense of their own performance, or hold themselves to low standards due to a sense of entitlement

• They are excessively attuned to others' reactions when it comes to themselves, but they have an impaired ability to empathize with other people

• Their relationships are largely superficial and serve to boost their self-esteem

If your partner has NPD, these traits will likely manifest themselves in your relationship. For example, a narcissistic partner might be overly critical of you, fail to value you or seek excessive attention from you in your relationship. 

What to Do If You're Dating a Narcissist

Dating a narcissist can take a toll on your self-esteem. Your partner may engage in gaslighting behavior, making you feel you are crazy or forgetful; sabotage your relationship or other friendships; turn all the blame in the relationship towards you; or even deliver intense praise, followed by verbal abuse. All of these experiences can make you begin to doubt your own reality and start to wonder if the problem is you, rather than your partner. 

So, what should you do if you suspect your partner suffers from NPD? Because NPD can take such a difficult toll on your self-esteem, it's important that you consider if this is the type of relationship you want to be in, since staying in any relationship is a choice you need to make for yourself. There are two ways you can do this: encouraging your narcissistic partner to seek help for their NPD or leaving the relationship altogether.

Encouraging Your Partner to Seek Help

It's important not to stay in a relationship with a narcissist because you feel obligated to "fix" them. However, if you decide to stay in the relationship, you should make it clear to your partner that you will not tolerate their narcissistic behaviors and that they should seek help for their NPD.

Treatment for NPD typically consists of long-term, intensive therapy that will allow your partner to come to grips with how their disorder has impacted their life and prevented them from reaching their full potential. 

You may also consider couples' therapy in addition to individual therapy for your partner's NPD since their personality disorder affects you as well as them. Involving loved ones like you in the healing process will help your partner see how their NPD has negatively affected others in their life and understand the true ramifications of their behavior.

Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship

Leaving a narcissist can feel difficult, especially since they are often charming and will shower you with praise to make up for their negative behaviors. Still, for many people, leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship is the best option.

When leaving a narcissist, it may be best to avoid contacting your ex following the relationship. That person may try to guilt you into taking the blame for the breakup or tell you what you want to hear so you will get back together for them. Taking space from that person will allow you to repair your self-esteem and get back in touch with what you really want in a relationship. 

You may miss your narcissistic partner at first -- and that is completely normal. Even if your partner was emotionally and verbally abusive, you may have formed a deep attachment to them in the trauma of your relationship that can make it more difficult to leave them behind. Seeking help from a qualified therapist who can support you during the healing process may make it easier to recover from the fallout of the relationship.

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What is Secure Attachment? Understanding Attachment Styles, Part III

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Dr. Sue Johnson first developed Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT) in the 1980s, with the goal of understanding how to help people with insecure attachment styles become more secure in their relationships. EFT considers insecurity to be the main driver of conflict in couples -- which is why it's so important to develop a secure attachment style.

Some people are fortunate enough to develop secure attachment relationships early on, as a result of receiving consistent love and attention from their parents and caregivers in childhood. For those who have developed anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment styles, developing a secure attachment style is the ultimate goal of EFT. 


It's possible for anyone to develop a secure attachment -- but first, it's essential to understand what, exactly, it means to have a secure attachment style.

THE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE

Our attachment styles begin in early childhood, and secure attachment is no different. Babies need to feel confident in their caregiver's availability and responsiveness in order to develop secure relationships later in life. 

According to Dr. Diana Divecha, secure attachments serve three functions in a child's life:

1. Providing a sense of safety and security.

2. Helping children regulate emotions by soothing distress and creating joy.

3. Offering a secure base from which children can safely explore.

When one or many of these elements are missing from a caregiver's response to their child, the child may go on to develop an insecure attachment style -- anxious, avoidant, disorganized -- later in life. However, when all of these elements are present, a baby can grow into a healthy, happy adult with the confidence and security they need to pursue romantic relationships and share their innermost emotions with others.

HOW TO DEVELOP A SECURE RELATIONSHIP

Even if you don't view yourself as a person with a secure attachment style, you can work to address your insecure behaviors, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and develop a secure relationship. 

People with insecure attachment types may inadvertently seek out partners who are inattentive to their needs or even abusive because this pattern of behavior is familiar to them from childhood. Often, one secure relationship is all we need to show ourselves that relationships can be "safe" and that others can be trusted.

Developing a secure attachment style is easier said than done, and many times requires therapy to help unpack the childhood experiences that shaped our attachment style in adulthood. However, there are a few proactive things you can do to promote healthy, secure attachment in a romantic relationship:

• Tend to your own needs. Secure attachment goes hand-in-hand with self-esteem. When you value yourself, you meet your own needs before attending to anyone else’s. It's important to maintain some independence in a relationship -- and one way to do that is to take time for self-care. Go to an exercise class without your partner, get a haircut or manicure, write in a journal…. Whatever you can do to help yourself feel good without the help of others, make time for it. We should also understand that if our partner wants to be alone or spend time with friends, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love us. It just means that they need to care for themself, too.
  
  
  

• Set realistic expectations. Disney princess culture teaches us that romance needs to be perfect in order to be “true love.” Yet secure partners understand that perfection doesn’t exist in real life -- and they love and cherish their partners for who they are, imperfections and all. If you want to have a healthy and secure relationship, accept your partner's flaws, and set realistic expectations for your relationship. Having a successful relationship is about working with your partner, not trying to fix or change them.
  
  
  

• Fight fairly. Some conflict is unavoidable in any relationship. You can’t control what your partner does in the face of conflict, but you can control how you respond. Fighting fairly means taking responsibility for your own feelings without blaming or name-calling. Whenever possible, it’s best to bring up concerns in a relationship when both partners are calm. If you need to, take time away from the conflict to cool down before working together to solve the problem at hand. 

Whether you currently identify as anxious, avoidant, disorganized, or secure in your attachment style, there is always room for improvement when it comes to developing healthy, happy relationships. These tips will help you feel more secure in your relationship -- and support your partner’s sense of security, too. If you find you need more support, Life by Design Therapy can help you and your partner grow through conflict and come out stronger than ever before. Contact us for a free phone consultation to learn more about our holistic approach to couples’ counseling.

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interested in other attachment styles?

Check out our attachment blogs to learn more!

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What is Avoidant & Disorganized Attachment?: Understanding Attachment Styles, Part II

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Dr. Sue Johnson's seminal research on attachment styles and the effectiveness of Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT) dates back to 1985 and continues to drive marriage and family counseling today. In the last installment of our blog series, we discussed one of the four attachment styles: anxious attachment. 

This next installment talks about two additional styles of attachment, avoidant and disorganized attachment. These two styles represent another way in which our relationships with our caregivers as children can manifest as relationship challenges later in adulthood. Read on to learn more about the avoidant and disorganized attachment styles, including how they differ from other styles of attachment and how they can manifest in romantic relationships.

The Avoidant Attachment Style

Childhood Experiences

While some of us are blessed with parents who were completely attuned to our needs as a child, this is not the case for everyone. Unfortunately, some parents may intentionally or unintentionally neglect their children, leading the child to develop a belief that no one will be there to meet their needs.  

Let’s be clear: neglect does not have to be in the form of basic needs such as having food, water and shelter (although it sometimes is).  Emotional unavailability or unresponsiveness can impact a child as well, leading a child to play by themselves or express extreme independence from others. This characterizes the avoidant attachment style.

Growing up, someone with an avoidant attachment style may have received the message from their parents that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, leading to rejection or punishment from their caregiver. This may teach the child to feel uncomfortable expressing feelings, whether verbally or nonverbally. Many times, the child may suppress their feelings and avoid crying in order to remain close to loved ones who might otherwise reject them, allowing them to meet their need for physical closeness.

Dating Someone with an Avoidant Attachment Style

If you have ever dated someone who was a "commitment-phobe" or seemed distant or aloof, you may have experience dealing with an avoidant attachment style. People with an avoidant attachment style may avoid intimacy to the extreme, often reasoning their way out of closeness or complaining about feeling "suffocated" or "crowded" in a relationship. This can make it frustrating for people who want to get close to them, preventing many people with this attachment style from forming secure relationships.

Some people with an avoidant attachment style might avoid relationships altogether. They may express feelings that they do not need anyone else, or pursue a string of hookups or unserious relationships knowing that there is no chance of them falling in love with a person. Being in love with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, especially when you are not yet in a relationship with them, can, therefore, be trying. 

When engaging with an avoidant attachment style, you may see them avert their eyes from unpleasant sights or "tune out" emotional conversations. Sometimes, they might even suppress memories of negative attachment events, such as a breakup or argument. As a result, many report that they have few memories of their parents from early childhood. 

Avoidant-attached adults may also express an inflated, but fragile self-esteem, which serves as a defense mechanism. They may look at themselves in an overly positive light while being overly dismissive of others. This appearance of arrogance or even narcissism frequently masks lower self-esteem or even deep-seated feelings of self-hatred. Whenever someone challenges or fails to support their self-image, they might become excessively angry to protect themselves from feeling into the emotional pain and suffering. 

Avoidant Attachment Relationship Patterns

The patterns we form in early childhood as a result of our caregivers persist into adulthood -- and can affect our ability to form meaningful relationships with others. People who are avoidantly attached may come across as dismissive or aloof, even though they often want to be in a romantic relationship. Despite longing for closeness, however, they will resist emotional intimacy and won't show any signs of needing it.  

People with an avoidant attachment style can come across as selfish, appearing to put their own needs in front of their partner's needs. When their partner expresses feelings or needs, they might show annoyance or disdain. It's important to remember that these reactions do not reflect their investment in the relationship; they developed this coping mechanism to navigate the so-called "emotional desert" they grew up in.

During conflicts with their partner, they may get quiet, shut down or leave the room altogether.  These individuals are use to processing situations internally and at their own pace, and often become easily overwhelmed by their partner’s stronger emotional needs.

However, it's important to remember that an avoidant attachment style is not the end of the world for a relationship. If you recognize these signs and behaviors in your partner, you can still have a satisfying, loving relationship. Building a secure relationship with your partner is possible.

The Disorganized Attachment Style

Childhood Experiences

Disorganized attachment is recognized by some but not all members of the psychology community as another form of attachment -- Psychology Today calls it "the forgotten attachment style."

Disorganized attachment is the most intense of the four attachment styles, owing to the dire circumstances in which it develops. Disorganized attachment develops when a child experiences abuse, trauma, or chaos in the home. As a result, they learn to fear their caregivers and have no "secure base" to turn to for consistent support, emotional safety, and comfort.  

People with a disorganized attachment style oscillate between the basic human need for belonging and their drive for survival. Like those with an anxious attachment style, people with a disorganized attachment style experience lots of anxiety in relationships, have an extreme need for closeness, and fear rejection by their partners. 

Dating Someone with a Disorganized Attachment Style

For someone who experiences disorganized attachment, developing romantic relationships can be associated with more negative emotions than positive ones. They may appear overly trusting at one moment, then overly suspicious at the next. Or, they may withdraw at a moment's notice without reason or explanation. 

Due to their history of trauma, someone with a disorganized attachment style likely finds forming relationships to be extremely difficult. Relationships require trust, and the act of learning to trust someone can be incredibly trying and understandably scary for them. They may need constant reassurance or participate in acts of self-sabotage that threaten the relationship, despite genuinely caring about another person.

Disorganized Attachment Relationship Patterns

Disorganized attachment forms when children grow up with caregivers who are erratic or abusive in their responses to their child. As a result, many people with disorganized attachment styles do not know healthy ways to self-soothe. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions, expressing stress as anger or hostility, yet find it challenging to reach out and seek help.

Someone with a disorganized attachment style fundamentally experiences trust issues. They may find it hard to let their partners in and face difficulty forming lasting relationships with others. They often bury their emotions or suppress their past as a coping mechanism, which stands in the way of future relationship success.

In order for a person with a disorganized attachment style to learn how to be in a long-lasting relationship, they must create a coherent narrative from their memories of their childhood, no longer suppressing or burying past trauma and emotions. Developing a strong relationship with a secure partner also goes a long way toward teaching someone with a disorganized attachment style that others can be trusted. 

Therapy can be a supportive space in which you get to explore and even experience your attachment styles in action.  A skilled therapist can help you slow down and begin to uncover what’s beneath the behaviors that keeps you from having the loving relationships you want.

References & Resources

1. https://iceeft.com/about-dr-sue-johnson/

2. https://www.psychalive.org/anxious-avoidant-attachment/

3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201904/do-you-or-your-partner-have-avoidant-attachment-pattern

4. https://www.gottman.com/blog/attachment-style-influences-success-relationship/

5. https://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

6. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romantically-attached/201909/the-forgotten-attachment-style-disorganized-attachment

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interested in other attachment styles?

Read our attachment blog series to learn more!

What is Anxious Attachment? Understanding Attachment Styles, Part I

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Our partnered relationships are such an important part of our existence.  When our relationships are thriving, we often feel on top of the world and capable of tackling anything that comes our way.  However, when our relationships are filled with constant conflict and disagreements, it’s normal to feel off our game and not like our usual selves.  

Why Is Our Attachment Style So Important?

Over 30 years of research supports Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couples and Family Therapy (EFT), an approach to viewing relationships as driven by one of four attachment styles. According to EFT, our attachment styles are shaped during childhood based on our relationships with our parents and continue to affect our romantic relationships as adults.

In our blog series "Understanding Attachment Styles," we'll be helping you identify your attachment style by posting about each of the four types of attachment -- starting with today's post on anxious attachment. Here's how we characterize an anxious attachment style in EFT, and how your anxious attachment style may still affect you today.

The Anxious Attachment Style

One of the four attachment styles defined in Sue Johnson's EFT is anxious attachment. According to the Gottman Institute, anxious attachment forms when a caregiver is inconsistent in their responsiveness and availability. 

Sometimes, parents are nurturing and respond effectively to their children's distress, while other times they may be unavailable, intrusive, or misattuned.  As a result, these children may feel distrustful or suspicious of their parents' ability to consistently attune to their needs, and learn that clinging to their parents is the most effective way to get their needs met. 

Certain childhood experiences may make you more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. These experiences include early separation from a caregiver, a troubled childhood (including abuse), instances of neglect or mistreatment, or caregivers who became annoyed when their children were in distress. 

Children exposed to this type of caregiving become confused about what to expect from their parents, leading to anxiety in relationships as an adult. Someone with this attachment style frequently worries about their romantic relationships and may find it difficult to trust their partner. 

As an adult, the anxiously attached partner may seem clingy or paranoid in relationships or succumb to unhealthy relationships because they find it difficult to be alone. This type of attachment style may make a person prone to enduring abuse because they would rather be in an abusive relationship than be single. 

Anxious Attachment in a Relationship

An anxious attachment style can make romantic relationships challenging for an adult. These adults may find relationships stressful, negative, overly-emotional, or unstable. They may also feel insecure in their relationships and/or feel a strong fear of abandonment. 

When they feel they are about to be abandoned, they may cling even more tightly to their partner, which actually has the opposite effect from what they intend; rather than making their partner want to stay, they may inadvertently push their partner away by doing so. These anxious tendencies can make relationships difficult and riddled with conflict. 

If you are dating someone with an anxious attachment style, there are a few things you can do to ensure your relationship remains stable over time. For example….

• Give them frequent reassurance that you care about them and are not going to leave

• Be consistent in giving them attention

• Follow through on your promises and commitments to them

• Encourage self-awareness and self-reflection on their anxious behaviors
  

By being in a relationship with a secure partner, someone with an anxious attachment style can learn to become more secure in their relationships and overcome the difficulties of their inconsistent upbringing. Working with a therapist or counselor who is trained in EFT can also help the anxious partner overcome their anxieties to have a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

Anxious attachment can present challenges in any relationship, but that does not mean that someone with an anxious attachment style is doomed to have difficult or unhappy relationships forever. By noticing their anxious behaviors and working to change them into more secure ones, a partner with an anxious attachment style can overcome these challenges to develop a happy, stable, and healthy romantic relationship.

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interested in other attachment styles?

Read our other attachment blogs to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!

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Exploring the Fundamentals of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

Personal Beginnings

My initial reaction to learning Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was piercing skepticism. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg was required reading for a service learning internship during my early college years. It took considerable effort to overcome my resistance to opening the blue book with an image of the Earth surrounded by the petals of a yellow daisy on the cover. I finally cracked the book open as I considered how important it was for me to keep up with my job expectations. One of the first lines from the book that I noticed was: “Through its emphasis on deep listening--to ourselves as well as others--NVC fosters respect, attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart” (p.4). As NVC began to resonate with me, I also soon discovered that putting it into practice was considerably more challenging than reading about it. About 17 years later, the copy I still reference is the very same marked up 2nd edition, littered with bright blue highlighter throughout. 

For one of my first jobs after graduating college, I piloted a conflict mediation program for middle schoolers drawing upon the principles of NVC. Floating above our heads in my classroom at the time were bright blue and white clouds I made from cardboard and attached to the ceiling. Upon each cloud I wrote a basic human need--part of the foundation of NVC--in English on one side and Spanish on the other. A dedicated group of sixth, seventh and eighth graders meet weekly to learn and practice the concepts and principles of NVC. Over time, these young people found ways to make sense of NVC in their own ways and worked to create a school with more connection and empathy. I look back very fondly on these memories. Sadly, the program survived less than two school years due to budget cuts. Still, I believe the experience offered our school an opportunity to grow. 

The NVC Model

NVC is a heart-centered practice. It is a way to connect with and deeply understand one’s self and one another. Marshall Rosenberg describes the four components of the NVC model with an acronym, “OFNR,” pronounced “off-ner.” It stands for Observation, Feeling, Needs and Request. The place I usually begin with is the concept of Needs. 

In NVC, every human being has Needs. 

The major categories of Needs, as well as a few examples within each category, are as follows: 

Autonomy (choice), 
Physical Nurturance (including air, food, movement, water, sexual expression and touch to name a few), 
Celebration (of life and loss), 
Integrity (meaning, self-worth), 
Play (fun, laughter), 
Spiritual Communion (order, peace, beauty) and 
Interdependence (community, acceptance, empathy). 
One of the fundamental concepts in NVC is that our feelings are related to whether our needs are or are not met. Slowing down enough to consider your own Needs, or to empathize with the possible Needs of another, is essential. 

Feelings are trailheads to needs. 

One practice I have implemented for myself, as well as within my psychotherapy practice, is to simply read the lists of feelings words within my NVC book. Feelings are like colors, the more variety to choose from the better. NVC emphasises feelings when our needs are met and feelings when our needs are not met. For example, feelings when our needs are met may include interested, grateful, playful, peaceful, affectionate and hopeful. When our needs are not met, we may feel agitated, confused, disconnected, sad, scared, vulnerable. Notice how feelings are not categorized as “good” or “bad,” “positive or negative.” Feelings just are. For examples, someone may feel “perplexed” when their need for meaning is not met, or “refreshed” when their need for peace is met. 

Observations, not evaluations

Observations are very specific details about behaviors. “The trick,” Rosenberg states, “is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing any judgment or evaluation” (6). In practicing observations, I try to pretend my perspective is a camera lens, perceiving information available to an inanimate object. In other words, “Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgement” (15). For example, saying “you are a procrastinator” is a judgemental label, whereas saying “you arrived past our agreed upon time the last five times out of six” is an observation. 

Requests are about connecting: Win-Win situations

Finally, Requests are open-ended questions with a concrete goal. An example of an NVC process goes as follows: “When you enter my room without asking me first, I feel alarmed because I need safety. Would you be willing to knock before entering my room?” When making requests, it is very important to consider that your request may be denied, in other words, someone may say “no.” In this case, you begin again with the NVC process, starting with Observations, followed by Feelings, Needs and another Request, until a mutual agreement is achieved.

Looking Ahead

For me, practicing and embodying NVC is a life-long process. It is a tool, a way of relating to myself and others as well as an outlook on humans’ ability to share our experiences deeply to create a more harmonious world. Working with an NVC-inspired therapist may offer you a felt sense of how to connect with your own needs and empathize with the needs of others. I practice NVC with individuals and those in relationships with one another to nourish compassionate well-being. 

**BayNVC.org is where I found an NVC practice “home,” somewhere to refer to for insight and consistency. I find BayNVC’s commitment to transparency around power and privilege particularly inspiring. 

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