Caring for the Soul: How Boundaries Fuel the Self-Care Journey

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In the hustle culture of life, where demands seem endless and the pace is relentless, the concept of boundaries is becoming more and more prevalent. When many of us hear the word boundaries we probably consider them as a strategy for creating physical space, yet they go beyond just that. Have you ever considered that boundaries are a way to show yourself compassion or that utilizing boundaries is a form of self-care? 

Not only do boundaries have the ability to create physical space, but they also create mental and emotional space as well. Boundaries can also be utilized when cultivating a secure relationship with yourself. In this blog, we will explore the ways to mindfully incorporate boundaries into every aspect of your life. 

Understanding Boundaries Through a Mindful Lens

\Cultivating mindfulness establishes an awareness that will support you in every aspect of your life. Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and aware of the current moment. We call it a practice because, with every new adventure or obstacle in life, you will find that in new seasons you might need to shift the way you approach things. When living mindfully you will find that creating limits, such as boundaries, involves a conscious and deliberate approach. And to be honest, it’s not always easy. You will begin to learn your limits, where to place the boundaries, or where to let things slide, however, It’s all about finding balance within yourself. 

Self Discovery Through Mindful Boundaries

Mindfulness encourages self-awareness, which enables you to recognize your needs, desires, and limits. When you take the time to reflect on personal values, preferences, and places of comfort, you’re able to start creating boundaries that reflect your authentic self. This process of self-discovery is actually an act of self-compassion. By acknowledging your unique qualities you start to value them enough to protect and nurture them which in turn is acknowledging how valuable you are. 

Compassion in Saying “NO”

Setting boundaries often involves saying 'no' to certain demands, commitments, or situations, which can be challenging for many people. When you evaluate the situation and determine that it doesn’t align with your needs or find that you don’t have the mental, emotional, or physical capacity to fulfill the demand, this 'no' becomes an act of self-compassion rather than a rejection. By mindfully saying 'no', you communicate that your well-being is a priority, cultivating a sense of self-respect and self-love.

Balancing Empathy and Boundaries

Empathy is a cornerstone of compassion, both towards others and oneself. Cultivating mindful boundaries creates a balance between empathy and self-preservation, showing that you can be compassionate without sacrificing your personal well-being. For those naturally inclined towards empathy, tend to absorb the emotions and needs of others to the detriment of one's own mental and emotional health. Cultivating these mindful boundaries allows you to empathize with others without becoming overwhelmed. Creating this awareness allows you to know when to engage and when to create a gentle barrier to safeguard your emotional equilibrium.

Self-Compassion in Conflict

When on your on your self-discovery journey you might find that boundaries often come into play during conflicts or challenging conversations. Navigating these situations mindfully involves approaching conflicts with compassion. Instead of viewing boundaries as walls, consider them as bridges that enable open communication while still preserving personal well-being. When you practice mindfulness in conflict, you can foster understanding and compassion for yourself and the other person or persons involved. 

Recognizing Burnout Signals

As you journey through the practice of mindfulness, you’ll begin to become more attuned to the present moment and move through it without judgment or distraction. When this happens you’ll become more aware of the things that trigger any overwhelm or burnout in its early stages. This will allow you to become more proactive in placing those boundaries to prevent the stress from taking over and allow you the opportunity for rest and rejuvenation. 

Practical Tips for Mindful Boundary SettinG

1. Self-Reflection: Regularly check in with yourself to assess your emotional and mental state. What are your current needs and limits?

2. Communicate with Clarity: When setting boundaries, communicate with clarity and honesty. Articulate your needs and limits in a way that cultivates understanding. However, we want you to know that it’s ok if others don’t understand. What matters is that you and your well-being feel secure. 

3. Practice Saying 'No': Saying 'No' is an essential aspect of setting boundaries. Although this can be challenging for many people practice doing so with kindness and assertiveness.

4. Reevaluate and Adjust: Life is dynamic, and so are your boundaries. It’s okay to check in with yourself, reassess your limits, and adjust them as needed. 

Final Thoughts

Through the practice of mindfulness, you can discover, communicate, and uphold boundaries that not only protect your well-being but also nurture a compassionate relationship with yourself and others. By recognizing the interplay between empathy, present-moment awareness, and the setting of boundaries, you can create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

We understand that communication, self-discovery, and establishing boundaries can be complex and even challenging. If you are finding that you need support in these areas, consider working with a therapist. Life By Design Therapy has a team of therapists who are committed to seeing you heal, grow, and thrive in life. If you are interested in working with one of our therapists, CLICK HERE to schedule a free consultation today!

Affirmations for Creating Mindful Boundaries 

1. My boundaries are a reflection of my self-respect and commitment to well-being.

2. I trust my instincts to guide me in establishing healthy and mindful limits.

3. I am worthy of the peace and harmony that mindful boundaries bring to my life.

4. My boundaries are flexible and adaptive, allowing me to grow while maintaining balance.

5. I release guilt when saying 'no,' knowing that it is an expression of self-love.

Additional Resources 

**If you’re interested in expanding your knowledge on boundaries and self-growth , check out these books below:

1. Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend 

2. The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown 

3. "Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day" by Anne Katherine

4. The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions" by Christopher K. Germer

5. "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents" by Allison Bottke 

6. "Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time" by Melody Beattie 

7. "Setting Boundaries with Difficult People: Six Steps to Sanity for Challenging Relationships" by David J. Lieberman

8. "The Art of Extreme Self-Care: Transform Your Life One Month at a Time" by Cheryl Richardson

9. "Setting Boundaries Will Set You Free: The Ultimate Guide to Telling the Truth, Creating Connection, and Finding Freedom" by Nancy Levin

10. "The Power of No: Because One Little Word Can Bring Health, Abundance, and Happiness" by James Altucher and Claudia Azula Altucher

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read full disclosure here.

Surviving Burnout: Tips for Thriving in a Fast-Paced World

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Have you ever been at a point in your life where you feel like you are empty, lacking motivation, and mentally exhausted? More than likely you are experiencing burnout. Unfortunately, life keeps pushing forward, and it becomes difficult to pour from an empty cup. This can become very overwhelming for many. You might desire a break to be filled again, but if you lack the opportunity for that break, what can you do to fill your cup again? In this blog, we will provide you with the tools to refresh even when you don’t have the opportunity to truly slow down. 

What is Burnout? 

Burnout is a feeling where your mental and emotional state is depleted and it becomes exhausting to even perform basic day-to-day tasks. The feeling of burnout can be caused by many things such as your job, home life, financial hardships, personal problems, or a combination of these. It can have a significant impact on your daily life, leading to feelings of frustration, irritability, and disengagement from work or personal relationships. It's incredibly common to feel overwhelmed and depleted especially when you’re constantly putting others before yourself.

What Can You Do To Support Yourself? 

If you're experiencing burnout, you must recognize the symptoms and take steps to prevent it from negatively impacting your daily life. Here are some practical strategies to help you cope with burnout:

1. Take Time For Yourself: It's essential to prioritize self-care and take time for yourself. This can include engaging in activities that you enjoy, such as reading, taking a bath, or going for a walk. Make sure to set aside time each day for self-care, even if it's just 10 minutes.

2. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and focusing on your thoughts, feelings, and sensations throughout your body. Practicing mindfulness can help you reduce stress, improve your mood, and increase your overall well-being. There are many mindfulness practices, including meditation, deep breathing, and yoga.

3. Set Boundaries: This is a BIG one! It’s okay to say “no”. It's important to set boundaries in your personal and professional life to prevent burnout. This can include saying no to extra work or social engagements you don't have the time or energy for or setting limits on how much time you spend on certain activities.

4. Get Enough Sleep: Getting enough sleep is important for optimal health in general, but prioritizing sleep can help your brain reset allowing clarity for the following day. You can do this by establishing a regular sleep routine, avoiding caffeine before bedtime, and creating a relaxing sleep environment.

5. Engage In Physical Activity: Regular physical activity can help reduce stress, and improve your mood. Even just a 10-minute walk can have significant benefits.

6. Seek Support: If you're feeling burnt out, it's important to seek support from friends, family, and even a therapist. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help you feel less isolated and more supported.

We understand that burnout can have a significant impact on your daily life, but there are practical strategies that you can use to cope with it. By prioritizing yourself you can prevent burnout from negatively impacting your well-being. If you are needing support with moving forward out of your burnout state, consider reaching out to one of our therapists here at Life By Design Therapy. In conclusion, we want you to know that you are not alone and we are here to be a resource and support in your journey. We also have additional resources throughout our website such as links to mediation videos, a free downloadable eBook, and blogs that target more specific areas you might need support with. 

Graceful Discussions: Strategies for Navigating Tricky Family Conversations over the Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while. 

Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you. 

If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:

• Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions. 

• Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness. 

• Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation. 

• State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having. 
  

Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members. 

Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.

Three Essential Keys to Unlocking Self-Love

by Melody Wright, LMFT

In today's world, loving yourself is easier said than done. We are constantly bombarded with cultural messages that tell us we aren't "enough" in one way or another: thin enough, pretty enough, happy enough, successful enough. 

At the same time, the media encourages us to buy into a commercialized version of self-love that requires us to purchase yoga equipment, expensive supplements, and beauty products as an expression of our commitment to ourselves.

When we view self-love as a destination, rather than an ever-evolving journey, the task of learning to love ourselves can feel overwhelming. Realistically, self-love is better thought of as self-compassion. 

When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we recognize that, as humans, we are inherently flawed -- yet our flaws do not make us any less worthy of empathy or respect. We recognize that we will always have moments where self-love doesn't feel authentic, but that these moments do not define our value.

Even as you are unlearning harmful beliefs or silencing your inner critic, you can still show yourself love and treat yourself with the kindness you deserve. Over time, these three key behaviors can help you strengthen your commitment to loving yourself.

1. Honor Your Needs

Growing up, your parents may have stressed to you the importance of distinguishing "needs" vs. "wants." This principle goes for money, but also for behaviors. Some actions -- such as substance abuse, driving too fast, or texting an ex-lover -- may feel good to us in the moment, yet we know that, in the long-run, they may have harmful or even dangerous consequences on our physical, mental, and/or emotional health.

Self-respect goes hand-in-hand with self-love. When we respect ourselves, we know and honor our needs. This includes our basic needs, such as eating right and getting enough sleep, but also our emotional needs, such as setting boundaries and avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Focusing on what we need over what we want helps us turn away from harmful patterns, like skipping meals or practicing unsafe behaviors -- even when they are temporarily gratifying.

2. Keep Good Company

The people we surround ourselves with are a reflection of our opinion of ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, we may allow people into our lives who take too much and offer little in return. "Frenemies" or toxic individuals often take advantage of people with weak boundaries. That doesn't mean that it's your fault for permitting this behavior to happen. However, it's important to recognize that you always have a choice about what kinds of behavior you will accept from others moving forward.

Loving yourself means defining the types of behavior you are and are not willing to tolerate from the company you keep, and enforcing consequences when your boundaries are violated. Sometimes, when boundaries are repeatedly violated by the same person, the most appropriate consequence may be to limit the amount of time we spend with that person, or to cut them out of our lives altogether. When we love ourselves, we view the decision to let go of a toxic relationship as a natural progression of their behavior, rather than the product of selfishness.

3. Accept All Emotions

Many of us fall into the trap of labeling our emotions as "good" or "bad." As a result, we may try to hide from our so-called "negative" emotions via compartmentalization, suppression, or avoidance. These labels are often learned from our culture, the media, or others around us. However, we can also make a conscious decision to unlearn these designations and find acceptance in all of our physical and mental sensations. When we love ourselves, we do not judge ourselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions. 

Loving ourselves means accepting all of our emotions as a natural part of the human experience. Even the most cheerful people we know must experience sadness, anger, guilt, or grief in order to understand what true happiness feels like. Rather than labeling emotions as "good" or "bad," we can choose to honor all of our emotions by being present with our thoughts and bodily sensations. We can then use this mindfulness to make an informed decision about how we want to react to those emotions, rather than giving into an automatic urge that could result in self-sabotage, or mental or physical harm.

While simply stated, we understand the tools mentioned above can take time, lots of practice, and a willingness to move beyond what has been familiar and comfortable to you.  At Life by Design Therapy, we work with adults, couples, teens and families to support the inner work necessary to have more self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love.

The Power of Reaching Out

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

How many times have you heard someone say, “I’m so bad at reaching out!” Or maybe you have heard yourself say something like, “I just have such a hard time picking up the phone!” In my experience, the next phrase is something like, “It’s not personal, I do it with everyone.” For so many of us, reaching out is really hard. We can be deeply hurt when we reach out, only to feel rejected. Our feelings towards reaching out may even be confusing. 

On A Personal Note

Earlier last year I had a profound reminder about the importance of reaching out. Someone really close to me who lives in another part of California had to go into the hospital for a procedure. The purpose of the hospital visit was to determine if more intrusive measures were needed--a potentially life threatening experience. It just so happened that several family members lived near the hospital. The thing was, I had not seen them in years. Of course, there are many painful reasons why I had not been to visit my family in a long time. Would it be a mistake to reach out? Given our experiences in the past, would it be easier to just keep our distance? I checked in with my loved one. Was it okay for me to reach out and let my nearby family know about the situation? I wanted to respect the patient's wishes. We talked through the possible outcomes and concerns. Ultimately, we agreed that I would let our family in the area know. Then the unexpected happened: they went above and beyond to support the whole scary process from beginning to end. Our family offered rides when we needed them, food to keep us going and visits and calls to remind us that they care. Turns out, we even have a nurse in the family who could advocate for accommodations and offer information throughout the whole frightening process. And the results were very heartening--no need for surgery after all. What a relief! Now that we are on the other side of the unknown, we cannot imagine how we could have gotten through it without the support we received. 

From the Very Beginning

To learn more about “reaching out” we can look to attachment and development. The act of reaching is a part of our initial movements as infants, in addition to yielding, pushing, holding and pulling. Ruella Frank, Ph. D. shares in his book Somatic Awareness:

Infants rely on a developing language of body that enables them to reach out and experience the other, and in so doing, to experience themselves. Every infant’s reaching pattern evolves as a pathway toward solving developmental problems or tasks. In the process of discovering the solution, a reach is made (109). 

In essence, our very early experiences shape us--our reflexive movements and core beliefs. The ways in which our caregivers responded to our needs, at a time when getting our needs met were most dependent on others, gives form to our shape. We learn about who we are and what we can expect in the world through our relationships with others. We create adaptations to get through disappointments and abandonment. 

From infancy to old age, we all have needs. Part of what makes each of us unique is how we go about meeting our needs. Deirdre Fay, in her book Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation, states that “Reaching is about exploring, moving toward, asking, wanting, needing (284).” Just as a child needs a sense of security to feel safe to explore their surroundings away from their caregiver, each of us wants to know that everything will be “okay” when we take the risk of reaching out. 

Somatic psychotherapy acknowledges the body-mind connection between the physical and psychological parallel of “reaching out.” You may try the experiment offered below to explore your relationship to reaching out. 

An Experiment in Reaching Out

Briefly bring to mind whatever it is you want to explore your reaching relationship to--a person or a goal, perhaps. Next find a comfortable seat with your feet on the floor, toes facing forward. Allow your back to rest in a supported position. Rest your gaze forward or close your eyes gently. Bring your attention to the top of your spine, the space between your shoulders, mid-back, lower back and tailbone. With a continued awareness on your back, recall your exploration topic and imagine it in a space a short distance from you, out of reach. Slowly, mindfully, notice what happens when you begin to think about moving an arm towards that space. Notice thoughts, sensations (weight, movement, tension, temperature) and feelings. If it feels right, begin the arm movement towards the space you are focusing on. Take time to allow your awareness to deepen, noticing what arises in your experience. When you sense the action is complete, mindfully drop the arm. Pause for a moment to reflect on your experience. 

As a reminder, mindful experiments create opportunities for clarity; opening to more choice and compassion for ourselves and others.  Using mindfulness in therapy can provide insight and clarity around important topics where you may feel stuck.

Exploring the Significance of Body Awareness

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Too often the messages we receive from society take us away from our present-moment experiences, our genuine emotions, and our truest selves.  As we attempt to navigate this culture of distraction we end up feeling lost, disconnected and unsure of ourselves. It’s become too easy to get lost in our thoughts, whether we get lost in thoughts about the future or the past.  This split and physical disconnect is a large reason why increasing your body awareness is so important and often eye-opening.  

WHAT IS BODY AWARENESS?

Body awareness is being consciously connected as a whole versus mind and body being two separate entities. When we were born and progressively moved forward with body control, we learned body awareness in coordination with crawling, walking and progressed as most people do; such as how far to reach for something, or how to climb stairs.  As adults, the concept of body awareness in this context becomes second nature given normal circumstances such as perception and spacial awareness of our physical selves. 

WHAT ABOUT BODY AWARENESS IN THERAPY?

In this scope, it is much more than the physical part of ourselves. Body awareness represents our mind and body as one and the responses (behavior) we have. 

Having body awareness is beneficial during therapy because our bodies hold on to past memories and experiences; it shows in our body language, posture, and our expressions. Physical manifestations of trauma can cause an upset stomach, migraines, hormone imbalances, and other medical conditions.  Studies have shown that there is a relationship between trauma and our bodies. 

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF BODY AWARENESS?

The benefits of having body awareness in therapy help to understand your body’s signals in relation to what you hold within. Realizing your own breathing and other physical sensations foster a pathway for changes in responses to overwhelming feelings.  For example, if you just disagreed with a coworker or friend, you may not notice the physical changes that happen during the exchange. Changes such as faster breathing, racing heart, shaking, stiff limbs, tightness or a clenched jaw. You may notice them after the confrontation, but during the confrontation you may be less aware. 

What would it feel like if you were more aware of your body’s responses to a bad memory, a negative association to something in your environment or argument with someone close to you? With the help of a professional somatic therapist, you can begin to increase your body awareness. They can assist by helping you bring attention to your body and physical sensations during the session. With gentle guidance in a safe space, you can learn about your physical experiences, which can lead to growth, acceptance, and change. You can be more centered and freer of holding in the negativity that impacts both your mind and body. 

THE POWER OF SELF-ACCEPTANCE

We are often our own worst critics and if we can neutrally observe our bodies, meaning what our bodies do isn’t ‘good’ or ‘bad’, makes it easier to focus more on the behavior, feeling or reaction. This component added to therapy will enhance your outcomes when working with your therapist. 

If you find that this is a struggle at first, there are other areas that can be focused on. How many times have you been engrossed in a project with a deadline and you kept working despite you were starving? Your body tells you it needs nutrition, just like it gives you a signal when you are stressed or feeling anxious. By being more attentive to basic physical needs creates more awareness of the cues when your body is stressed or overwhelmed.  This allows you to connect what triggers you may overlook in response to a traumatic event or troubling situation. 

WORKING WITH A SOMATIC THERAPIST

As you work with a trained somatic therapist, you will understand your own body not just your mind and emotions.  Somatic therapists track emotional and physical shifts to recognize signs that give clues as to what is going on internally. We have a huge toolbox of body-based resources to support you in building body awareness.  Most human communication is through body language. Yes, we use words to communicate; however, our bodies say much more. Even when you are quiet while seated in a room with others, you are communicating. If you are nervous you may fidget without even realizing it. If you are having a bad day, your jaw may lock, and you don’t realize it.  You may cross your arms tighter across your chest.

By recognizing how emotions are tied to your body brings a strong mind-body connection that opens the pathway to self-understanding, acceptance, and processing that enables you to respond better to your environment. Self-awareness is a great skill to have and use while in therapy and you will find more positive results in therapy by incorporating it into sessions.  

If you are struggling with connecting your mind and body during therapy, talk with your therapist about different techniques or other options.  

Therapy Reflections

1. Do you know what happens in your body when you feel anxious or sad?

2. When something or someone pisses you off, how connected are you to your body in that moment?

3. What signals does your body give you when you feel happy or grateful?

4. What can you do today to increase your body awareness?

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