Three Essential Keys to Unlocking Self-Love

by Melody Wright, LMFT

In today's world, loving yourself is easier said than done. We are constantly bombarded with cultural messages that tell us we aren't "enough" in one way or another: thin enough, pretty enough, happy enough, successful enough. 

At the same time, the media encourages us to buy into a commercialized version of self-love that requires us to purchase yoga equipment, expensive supplements, and beauty products as an expression of our commitment to ourselves.

When we view self-love as a destination, rather than an ever-evolving journey, the task of learning to love ourselves can feel overwhelming. Realistically, self-love is better thought of as self-compassion. 

When we are compassionate toward ourselves, we recognize that, as humans, we are inherently flawed -- yet our flaws do not make us any less worthy of empathy or respect. We recognize that we will always have moments where self-love doesn't feel authentic, but that these moments do not define our value.

Even as you are unlearning harmful beliefs or silencing your inner critic, you can still show yourself love and treat yourself with the kindness you deserve. Over time, these three key behaviors can help you strengthen your commitment to loving yourself.

1. Honor Your Needs

Growing up, your parents may have stressed to you the importance of distinguishing "needs" vs. "wants." This principle goes for money, but also for behaviors. Some actions -- such as substance abuse, driving too fast, or texting an ex-lover -- may feel good to us in the moment, yet we know that, in the long-run, they may have harmful or even dangerous consequences on our physical, mental, and/or emotional health.

Self-respect goes hand-in-hand with self-love. When we respect ourselves, we know and honor our needs. This includes our basic needs, such as eating right and getting enough sleep, but also our emotional needs, such as setting boundaries and avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Focusing on what we need over what we want helps us turn away from harmful patterns, like skipping meals or practicing unsafe behaviors -- even when they are temporarily gratifying.

2. Keep Good Company

The people we surround ourselves with are a reflection of our opinion of ourselves. When we do not love ourselves, we may allow people into our lives who take too much and offer little in return. "Frenemies" or toxic individuals often take advantage of people with weak boundaries. That doesn't mean that it's your fault for permitting this behavior to happen. However, it's important to recognize that you always have a choice about what kinds of behavior you will accept from others moving forward.

Loving yourself means defining the types of behavior you are and are not willing to tolerate from the company you keep, and enforcing consequences when your boundaries are violated. Sometimes, when boundaries are repeatedly violated by the same person, the most appropriate consequence may be to limit the amount of time we spend with that person, or to cut them out of our lives altogether. When we love ourselves, we view the decision to let go of a toxic relationship as a natural progression of their behavior, rather than the product of selfishness.

3. Accept All Emotions

Many of us fall into the trap of labeling our emotions as "good" or "bad." As a result, we may try to hide from our so-called "negative" emotions via compartmentalization, suppression, or avoidance. These labels are often learned from our culture, the media, or others around us. However, we can also make a conscious decision to unlearn these designations and find acceptance in all of our physical and mental sensations. When we love ourselves, we do not judge ourselves for experiencing unpleasant emotions. 

Loving ourselves means accepting all of our emotions as a natural part of the human experience. Even the most cheerful people we know must experience sadness, anger, guilt, or grief in order to understand what true happiness feels like. Rather than labeling emotions as "good" or "bad," we can choose to honor all of our emotions by being present with our thoughts and bodily sensations. We can then use this mindfulness to make an informed decision about how we want to react to those emotions, rather than giving into an automatic urge that could result in self-sabotage, or mental or physical harm.

While simply stated, we understand the tools mentioned above can take time, lots of practice, and a willingness to move beyond what has been familiar and comfortable to you.  At Life by Design Therapy, we work with adults, couples, teens and families to support the inner work necessary to have more self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love.

Mastering Emotional Expression: 3 Tips for Effective Communication

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively.

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability. 

Unveiling the Path to Clarity: Understanding the Importance of Boundaries

by Ashley Gregory, LMFT

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” --Prentis Hemphill

Boundary Beginnings

For me, the term “boundaries” did not become a part of my regular vocabulary until graduate school. This may be partially explained by the fact that I cannot recall having explicit conversations about the meaning of personal boundaries as a child. What I do remember are the places I was told I was not allowed to go, like beyond the borders of the complex where my cousins and I lived. On at least one occasion, as children do, I tested those limitations. The consequence for which left a red handprint on my backside.  

Boundaries maintain one’s sense of safety and autonomy. As such, experiences of abuse and trauma are boundary violations which often dramatically shifts one’s perception of their external and internal boundary systems. 

The Two Parts of External Boundaries

As children we learn about boundaries from our caregivers, from those around us and from our cultural context. While we may not be talked to outright about how boundaries exist in our world, we are immersed in lessons about them. Pia Mellody, author of Facing Codependency, identifies two boundary systems: external and internal. Body boundaries are an example of our external boundary system. These boundaries are our personal space bubbles and are composed of two parts--physical and sexual. External boundaries protect you and those around you, both giving you a sense of when you begin and end as well as an ability to consider the safety and needs of others (Mellody, 11). Someone with intact physical boundaries is able to understand another person’s need for space or their preferences around touch. They would also be able to communicate their own needs to others. Similarly, an example of intact sexual boundaries is an awareness of what you are and are not comfortable doing sexually as well as being able to share your needs and preferences regarding sexual contact with others. 

What are Internal Boundaries? 

The other kind of boundary system identified by Mellody are internal boundaries. Having intact internal boundaries means that “we can take responsibility for our thinking, feelings, and behavior and keep them separate from others, and stop blaming them for what we think, feel and do (Mellody, 12).” On the other hand, when internal boundaries are impaired, one person may blame another for their feelings, thoughts or behaviors, leading to shame, manipulation or even serious harm. Mellody goes on to explain that internal boundaries may be mostly intact, however, in certain situations may be damaged. Someone may, for example, be able to convey their need for choice with their partner but have trouble doing so with their caregivers. Acknowledging and honoring our internal boundaries is a commitment and on-going process. 

Power and Boundaries 

Crossing the internal boundaries of others is a deeply entrenched practice in our world which takes many forms within relationships and societal systems (think schools, workplaces, legal, etc). For example, heinous acts of violence have been justified using the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense.* This legal strategy claims that a person’s sexual identity or gender identity/expression caused another person so much distress that a reasonable response was to seriously injure or kill them. Clearly, boundaries are inextricably linked to legacies of deep power imbalances. 

Adultism* is another example of normalized boundary violations. Children and youth are systematically discriminated against because of their age. Young people are afforded less respect and consideration than people who are considered adults. Seemingly innocuous transgressions act to re-create harmful behaviors and beliefs about personal boundaries. Adults invading a young person’s space without permission, dismissing their needs or being subject to punishment without cause. Importantly, adultism intersects with racism, sexism, classism, ableism, heterosexism and cisgenderism.* In other words, a transgender young person of color faces different and compounding harms than a white cisgender youth. 

Boundary Work in Therapy

Embodying our own boundaries lends to respecting the boundaries of others. Therapy may be a place for you to work through, and find ways to let go of, regretful moments or unhelpful patterns involving the boundaries of others. This is imperative work for all of us and of particular urgency for many. Building a trusting relationship with a therapist can offer profound experiences in getting a deeper sense of your internal and external boundary systems. 

*For more information on the LGBTQ+ “panic” defense, see https://lgbtbar.org/programs/advocacy/gay-trans-panic-defense/

*For more information about adultism: https://www.youthrights.org/blog/understanding-adultism/

*Cisgenderism: “Cisgenderism refers to the cultural and systemic ideology that denies, denigrates, or pathologizes  self-identified gender identities that do not align with assigned gender at birth as well as resulting behavior, expression, and community. This ideology endorses and perpetuates the belief that cisgender identities and expression are to be valued more than transgender identities and expression and creates an inherent system of associated power and privilege. The presence of cisgenderism exists in many cultural institutions, including language and the law, and consequently enables prejudice and discrimination against the transgender community.”

(https://read.dukeupress.edu/tsq/article/1/1-2/63/92024/Cisgenderism)

The Compass Guilt Provides: Tips for Harnessing Its Guidance for Personal Growth

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

This article is meant to invite inquiry and foster self-compassion. Most likely, we all have little “g” guilt and big “G” guilt present with us throughout life. Everyone’s relationship with guilt will be different and complex, each asking for unique attention and care. Building a relationship with a psychotherapist can support you in creating and implementing individualized practices to work with guilt. 

What is it about the beginning of the Gregorian calendar that ignites talk of “resolutions,” seemingly en masse? As we head into month three of 2020, I’m thinking on the role of guilt in how we feel about meeting our past, present and future. The beginning of the year is, for many, a time to reflect on the past year in an effort to change some of the things that supposedly made the year before less exciting, fulfilling or successful. This is where guilt comes in.

According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the word “guilt,” or gylt in Old English, means a “crime, sin, moral defect, failure of duty.” Whoa. Is it a “crime, sin, moral defect” or “failure of duty” to spend more time with my friends instead of organizing my hall closet? Maybe right now, I value connection more than order. 

Guilt, like any other emotion, may act as a guide, illuminating our needs and values. Rather than leading us into immobilizing narratives, bringing curiosity to our guilty parts can act as a trailhead to practicing self-empathy and unearthing our desired actions. 

Awareness. Rather than push those feelings aside, perhaps notice how and where you sense them. Take a moment to recall the last time you felt “guilty.” How do you know you are feeling “guilty”? Is it a pit in your stomach sensation? Or nausea? Maybe a pulling down or weightedness? What happens when you focus your attention on these sensations? 

Stories. You may also notice the thoughts which arise when you feel guilty. What are the stories being told about you in your mind? Where do those voices come from and how familiar are they? Maybe you will find it helpful to take note of the messages arising around your feelings of guilt. From there, if the messages are played out, you may get more information about what it is you are actually hoping for. 

Needs and Values. You may take this opportunity to get to know that part of you. As you make contact with that part of you, ask about needs. What is that part needing? Might you need connection with others? Or clarity? Space or choice? How might that guilty feeling guide you? What does this feeling say about your values? 

External Events. What are the external events shaping your choices, thoughts or actions? How might you invite more consideration and compassion towards yourself?

Endeavors. Notice how your feelings and stories shifted. Be as present as you can as you have connected with what is important to you and why you may not have been able to align your actions with your values in a particular moment. What do these changes mean for how you want to move forward? What choices are you now presented with?

For example:

“I feel guilty that I didn’t leave enough money for a tip at the restaurant...obviously, I am not a generous person.”

Ok, let’s pause for a moment here and slow things down. 

Awareness: “I notice an uneasy, sinking feeling in my stomach. I’m feeling guilty because that waiter works really hard and does not get paid enough.” 

Stories: “The story I am telling myself is that I am a heartless person who doesn’t care about others. Oh my gosh, that sounds familiar. I was really hurt back then. That’s a tender place that I want to give attention to.” 

Needs and Values/External Events: “Well, I am needing understanding. I was rushing because I lost track of time working on that group project due today. I really value contribution and want to make sure I did a thorough job. Perhaps that’s why I wanted to give more of a tip, too. Because understanding the values of hard work and contributing to another’s well-being is important to me.” 

Endeavors: “I feel more at ease. I am more connected to how I want to offer what I can, when I can. I want others to know I value their work. I feel freed up to make choices around my values.” 

Back to the Little and Big “G” guilts. Perhaps one leads to another in an unfolding, interconnected way. Being with guilt can be a journey, opening us up to options we may not have become aware of had we been preoccupied with the “shoulds” and the stories. And yes, through this process we may also open ourselves up to more vulnerable or painful memories, the Big “G” kind. This is where support comes in.

As we continue to deepen our curiosity around guilt, here are a couple more questions to consider how it may show up in relationships:

1. Are you afraid of bringing up feelings in another person by sharing your needs and values? If so, which feelings? Why are these feelings scary?

2. How much control do you have over the situation? 

Through this process, we have welcomed guilt in and learned from it’s wisdom. New possibilities become available once we tap in and listen. I mean, hey, maybe I can reach out to some friends who want to help me re-organize my hall closet! 

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