by Melody Wright, LMFT
Narcissistic relationships often start off on a high note, creating a false sense of emotional intimacy. An early narcissistic relationship can feel like a whirlwind, or may even convince you that you have met your soulmate. However, many of the traits we mistake for love or emotional intimacy in a narcissistic relationship are actually the result of your partner's Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Whether or not you choose to stay with a narcissistic partner, it's important to understand the difference between true intimacy and narcissistic traits and behaviors. While true intimacy is not impossible in a narcissistic relationship, it may not come easily to someone struggling with NPD. Ultimately, the decision to stay in or leave a narcissistic relationship is intensely personal. In the process of evaluating the quality of your relationship, take care that you don't confuse these characteristics of NPD with emotional intimacy.
1. Fast-Paced
Narcissistic relationships often become serious quickly. Someone with NPD may seem like they are in a rush to enter a committed relationship. They may overemphasize how compatible you are early in the relationship, or say "I love you" after a short period of time.
While these behaviors alone do not make someone a narcissist, they can be a sign that the person you're with may be trying to manufacture emotional intimacy. If you're uncomfortable with the speed the relationship is moving at, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.
2. Intense
People with NPD often come on strong when dating someone new. If your partner struggles with NPD, they may initially "love-bomb" you, lavishing you with attention, affection, and gifts. This can leave you feeling conflicted when the negative side of NPD begins to show itself.
It's important not to confuse this intensity with true intimacy. Some moments of stress or turmoil may be normal in a relationship, but a stable, intimate partnership should not feel like an emotional rollercoaster most of the time.
3. Extremely Close
Feeling close to your romantic partner is, of course, normal and natural. However, it's important not to confuse a lack of boundaries with emotional intimacy. In a healthy relationship, you can still be close to your partner while maintaining other relationships with family and friends, as well as upholding boundaries that are important to you.
Someone with NPD may make you feel bad for spending time with others or for asserting your need for space or independence. They may repeatedly violate your boundaries, even when you explicitly tell them what those boundaries are. But no matter what they say, this control is not the face of "closeness" or "intimacy."
4. Jealous
It's normal to experience jealousy in a relationship from time to time, but a narcissistic partner may take jealousy to the extreme. Someone with NPD may use their jealousy to make unfounded accusations against you (for example, "are you cheating on me?"). Or, they may be jealous when you spend time with anyone who isn't them, including family or friends.
Jealousy can become especially problematic in a narcissistic relationship if it leads to controlling or intrusive behavior, like reading your text messages without permission or trying to limit who you're allowed to see. Anytime that your partner's NPD causes them to exhibit abusive behavior, it's worth examining the health and happiness of your relationship.
5. Too Good To Be True
Someone with NPD may exaggerate or misrepresent themselves to you. In the early days of a relationship, they may also reflect your interests or hobbies back to you to seem like you have more in common than you actually do. Many times, narcissists do not have an emotional framework for authentic bonding, so they may rely on these gimmicks to grow close to you.
This does not mean that someone you are compatible with must be lying to you about it. However, you should always trust your instincts when they tell you someone may not be who they seem to be. If something (or someone) seems too good to be true, it probably is. Someone who claims to be your "soulmate," yet is not true to their word, definitely falls into this category.
interested in attachment?
Check out our attachment blog series to learn how your attachment style may impact your relationships!
