A Parent's Guide: Helping Your Child Overcome Back-to-School Anxiety

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you remember how it felt when you started a new school year? The excitement and nervousness, or maybe even anxiety as you wondered about the new uncharted territory, hoping to make new friends, impress your teachers, and navigate the challenges of being a year older. As this school year started, maybe you’ve had some of those memories resurface as you witness your own child experiencing those same emotions. 

Back-to-school anxiety is perfectly normal, and as a parent, you have the power to be your child’s anchor, guiding them through the feelings of uncertainty with love, understanding, and support. In this blog, we will discuss strategies to support your child through their emotions and foster a positive mindset for the rest of the school year.

Identifying Signs of Back-to-School Anxiety

Back-to-school anxiety is common among students. However, recognizing the signs of anxiety in children is crucial for providing timely support and understanding. Common signs of this type of anxiety can show itself in physical symptoms such as headaches, and stomachaches, or they might say they don’t feel well, especially when school-related discussions come up.  

You might also notice behavioral changes such as increased clinginess, crying, or restlessness. Mood swings, irritability, and changes in sleep patterns can also be a sign that your child is experiencing some anxiety. However, some children may exhibit avoidance behaviors, such as resisting going to school or expressing a strong desire to stay home. Academic performance may also be affected. Your child might have their grades decline or they might become obsessively worried about their school work. 

Therapist Tip: Being attentive to these signals you can provide the necessary support and reassurance to help children cope with their emotions and navigate the back-to-school transition. 

Strategies for Supporting Your Child

1. Establish a Consistent Routine - For those with anxiety, knowing what comes next can provide a sense of stability and predictability. Create space for consistent meal times, study times, and family times. Your child might also need support with creating a routine around hygiene and self-care as well.
   

2. Encourage Expressive Arts & Journaling - Some kids have a difficult time finding the words to use to express how they are feeling. Expressive arts is a great way to release the emotions being felt through music or creating art. Journaling is a supportive tool for those who do not feel like speaking to someone about what they are feeling. Journaling provides a safe space to be fully vulnerable.
   

3. Foster a Growth Mindset - Encourage a growth mindset in your child by emphasizing the importance of learning, growth, and perseverance. Remind them that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow and that it's okay not to have all the answers right away. This mindset shift can reduce the fear of failure and increase your child's resilience in the face of challenges.
   

4. Introduce Grounding Techniques -Teaching your child grounding techniques can support their emotional regulation for the rest of their life. Practice deep breathing, and meditation, and consider a grounding object that they can carry with them in their pocket to school.
   

5. Collaborate with a Therapist - Open communication is essential for supporting your child through their struggle, however, that doesn’t always come easy. Meeting regularly with a therapist will allow your child to engage in consistent opportunities to be vulnerable in an unbiased, non-judgmental space. 

Final Thoughts 

Supporting your child through their back-to-school anxiety requires patience, understanding, and empathy. By creating a nurturing environment at home and implementing some of the techniques above you can support your child in navigating these unknown territories. Remember that every child’s journey is unique to them, so approach this process with love, support, and flexibility. 

Also, we want to acknowledge that this is challenging and complex for parents as well. Give yourself an empathetic and non-judgmental space as you journey through this side of parenting. If you are needing support as a parent or if your child is needing support, connect with our team. We have qualified therapists who are equipped with the tools you need to move forward on this journey. CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Additional Resources 

If you would like additional tools for supporting your child and yourself as a parent, check out the resources below.

1. The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

2. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke 

3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish 

4. Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons

5. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

6. Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

7. Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields MSAE

8. Raising Critical Thinkers: A Parent's Guide to Growing Wise Kids in the Digital Age by Julie Bogart

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Supporting Our Youth: Recognizing the Red Flags of 'Toxic' Parenting"

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As part of our current monthly blog series, we’ve learned about the different factors that can contribute to and impact our teen’s mental health. We’ve also learned what warning signs we should look out for that warrant an immediate connection to a Mental Health professional, as well as what resources to tap into if we suspect that our teen is struggling with their Mental Health. While many of these factors can be created by situations that we have little control over, such as school stressors or peer pressure from friends, some factors can come as a direct result of our interactions as parents.

Many parents are unaware of the ways in which their parenting style or approach may be impacting their teens. Although at times unintentional, certain parenting approaches may negatively impact a teen’s mental and emotional health. Some of the behaviors that negatively impact a teen’s mental health, which at times are labeled as “toxic,” can include:

• Yelling, name-calling, or consistently assigning blame

• Using the “silent treatment” as punishment or gaslighting others to avoid accepting responsibility

• Manipulating emotions by using guilt or shame

• Being overly critical, invading privacy, or attempting to control all aspects of your teen’s life

• Lacking boundaries

Some of these behaviors can be more easily identified than others. While yelling can be easy to recognize, assigning blame or “gaslighting” can be harder to acknowledge or point out. We also know that some of these behaviors may have been learned from our own parents or cultures, which makes it difficult to recognize that they may not be appropriate, or difficult to understand why we shouldn’t use them with our own children.  

Many of us can remember certain statements, actions, or behaviors that our parents or guardians used to exhibit that made us sad, frustrated, or angry. Over time, constant exposure to these behaviors can severely impact a person’s mental health. On the contrary, exposure to empathetic and supportive behaviors can improve their mental health, and foster a relationship that can make it easier for our teens to reach out to us when they need help. These behaviors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Spending one-on-one time with your teen. This can help provide you with the time and space you need to talk to your teen about what is going on in their lives. Over time, your teen may feel comfortable enough to explain what may be impacting their Mental Health. 

• Listening to your child when they share there is something wrong, and not jumping to solutions or conclusions without discussing it with them first. 

• Having empathy for what your child is going through. While you may not understand why your child feels so strongly about a certain event or circumstance, it is important that you understand and care about what they’re experiencing. 

• Being kind, clear, and consistent when it comes to your teen’s need for privacy and boundaries. 

• Providing your teen with a sense of autonomy and respecting their space. 

• When emotions are high, setting a different time to have a conversation can help minimize the likelihood that you or your child will speak out of anger. Yelling, cursing, or using behaviors such as the silent treatment, are not conducive to having a productive conversation and can lead to hurt feelings. When you create a safe space to speak to your child, you increase your chances of having a more positive outcome. 

Our ability to regulate our emotions, respect our teen’s space, approach their needs in a respectful manner, and have open and honest conversations with them can positively impact our relationship with our teens, as well as their overall Mental Health. If you’d like to learn more about how to adjust your parenting approach to better fit your child’s needs or are in need of support with your own Mental health, please reach out to us by scheduling a phone consultation. 

Identifying Warning Signs of Teen Mental Health Issues

By Melody Wright, LMFT

In our first blog of the new monthly blog series, Supporting Our Youth and Their Mental Health, we discussed general information regarding our youth, the challenges they face today, and reviewed resources and tips to help support your teen’s current or future mental health needs. In today’s blog, we will take a more in-depth look at the potential signs that a teen displays when they are struggling with their Mental Health. We will also include some of the signs or red flags that would require an immediate response from a parent or caregiver. 

Warning Signs 

A warning sign can be defined as a sign that indicates a condition requiring special attention. With that in mind, we have listed some behaviors below that your teen may display if they are experiencing challenges with their Mental Health:

• Sadness that is persistent and lasts for 2 weeks or more

• Wanting to avoid social events or interactions

• Ongoing somatic symptoms (headaches, stomach aches, etc.)

• Behavior that drastically changes within a short time frame

• Changes in daily patterns (sleeping, eating, school performance, etc.)

• Poor attendance in school

• Participating in self-harming or destructive behaviors

Warning signs help us recognize when our teens are using behaviors to communicate that something is wrong, even if they are not verbally expressing that they are not okay. If your teen is displaying any of the behaviors listed above, we strongly recommend that you schedule an urgent visit with their Primary Care or Mental Health Provider.

Red Flags (Immediate Action Required)

While some of the warning signs above prompt you to book an urgent appointment with a counselor or Pediatrician, the signs we will be discussing below require your immediate attention and action. These are potential warning signs that a teen may display when they are contemplating suicide:

• Making statements or writing about suicide

• Completely withdrawing from social settings or contact with others

• Giving away belongings to friends or family

• Increased use of substances such as alcohol or drugs

• Showing repeated signs that they feel trapped or hopeless about a certain situation or their life in general

We recognize that it is not an easy task to have a conversation about Mental Health or suicide with your teen. It can be just as difficult for a teen to start the conversation with their parent or caregiver when they are having challenges with their mental health. When in doubt, don’t wait for your child to come to you. Having an open and honest conversation with them, and asking about suicide specifically, can create the opportunity to connect your teen with a professional at the right time. For teens or any individual in crisis and considering suicide, immediate support can be provided by calling the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

For ongoing support for your teen, a therapist can provide the consistent level of support they need for them to reach a better place in their mental health. To book a consultation and receive more information about our services, click here. 

5 Tips for Effective Communication with Your Teen

by Nia Saunders, PhD

There are many reasons for conflict between teens and their parents/families. Teens are starting to be more independent, they become increasingly more oriented towards their friends, and they can make impulsive decisions. For parents, there can be conflict around teens challenging adult authority and exploring their identities. All of these factors make it a common time for increased tension in families with teens. The following tips will show how to improve communication with your teens and build stronger relationships. 

1. Listen and show respect for their voice: 

As a psychologist who works with teens, one of the most frequent concerns that teens share with me is that their parent or caregiver “doesn’t listen.” The examples they share include: parents judging, dismissing their opinions, or giving unasked for advice.When talking with your teen, listen attentively and hold judgment. Listening means actively trying to understand what they are saying, not just listening to respond. Ask if they need to vent or if they need advice. Sometimes, they may just want you to listen, rather than go into fix-it mode. Remember, part of their task at this stage of development is to find their voice. You can support them to do this by listening and reassuring them that their voice matters. 

2. Validate their feelings: 

Think about how it feels when you share a story about something that upset you, and the response you get is “why are you making such a big deal.” Does that make you want to share more? Probably not. One way to show teens respect is to validate their emotions. This means to show that you understand how something may be affecting them. Things that seem minor from our adult perspectives are really important to them. For example, teens tend to think about their lives as a “personal fable,” a unique story in which they are the star character. This means getting a pimple or going through a breakup can feel like the end of the world. Suggesting they are being dramatic or saying “it’s not that big a deal” invalidates their emotions and causes them to shut down. It can also cause feelings of shame.   

Using language like “That’s frustrating” or “I see why this is upsetting” makes them feel understood and encourages them to express themselves. This ultimately helps them feel more in control of their emotions. Validation doesn’t mean agreement. You may not think their recent fight with a friend is a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Validation means that you acknowledge it’s important to them and you’re recognizing their emotions in the moment. Acknowledging their feelings supports them to feel their emotions, without dismissing, minimizing, or trying to immediately fix them. Validation is a powerful strategy for helping teens feel heard and valued. 

3. Control your own emotions. 

Parents and families can be triggered by their teens’ emotions or behaviors for many reasons. There may be cultural factors, increased family stress, or the parent/caregiver’s own trauma. It’s important to check in with yourself to determine why the teen is triggering a negative emotion. Teens are still learning and growing. The prefrontal cortex (part of the brain that controls impulses and regulates emotions and behaviors) doesn’t finish developing until the age of 25! This means teens still need a calm, trusted adult to help them navigate everyday life. Teens tend to be hypersensitive to facial expressions and tone of voice. They can detect sarcasm and when they’re being criticized or judged. Staying neutral when communicating with them can prevent escalation of a situation, especially if they’re already upset. 

4. Know the common stressors for teens: 

There is so much happening during the teenage years. They deal with increased academic pressure at school. Physically, they are going through the changes of puberty and may be more self-conscious about their appearance. Socially, they may be exposed to peer pressure during a time when approval by their friends is so important to them. Friend groups change and they may begin dating. This makes them more sensitive to social rejection and how they are perceived. Teens are also aware of the social and political climate and youth of color experience distress related to current events. Teens who belong to marginalized groups, like LGB, trans, or gender nonconforming youth,  are at increased risk of bullying, homelessness, and mental health concerns like depression or anxiety. Knowing what teens are dealing with can help adults have more compassion and recognize the importance of supportive relationships with good communication. 

5. Give them credit: 

Sometimes, adults have a dismissive “you’re just a teen” attitude.This comes across as condescending. Even though teens care what their friends think, they still care about their family’s opinion of them. They want to know you think they’re great. It’s important to highlight their strengths and what you admire about them. This helps strengthen their self-esteem and motivates them to keep up the good work. Even when you disapprove of their choices or behavior, it’s important for them to know you still think they are good people. Giving teens credit and praising them for the things they are doing right helps them to feel good about themselves. 

There are so many things that are exciting about the teen years. Teens seek out new experiences, have creative ideas, and explore their identities in ways that differ from other age groups. Using these tips to communicate can help your teen in feeling valued and important. It also makes them more likely to turn towards you, rather than away, in times of need. 

Therapy reflections:

What was your experience of being a teen like?

Did you feel like you could talk to adults about what was going on? Why or why not?

How can you use these tips for talking to the teens in your life? 

Resources: 

Michaela Horn: Teen Stress from a Teen Perspective: https://youtu.be/FhG-VoRtkKY

Dr. Adriana Galvan: Insight into the Teenage Brain- Ted Talk: https://youtu.be/LWUkW4s3XxY

Dr. Dan Siegel : The Adolescent Brain: https://youtu.be/0O1u5OEc5eY

How to Support Your Teen with Their Depression

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As our children grow into teenagers, they go through many changes that can challenge even the most well-intentioned parents. Some teens deal with pressures with a few difficulties while other teens present symptoms of depression. When parents reach out to their struggling teens, this may lead to a negative outcome to what they intended was support.

While teens are known for their moody and unpredictable behaviors, it is important to distinguish between typical teen behavior and teen depression.

WHAT ARE THE COMMON CONTRIBUTIONS TO TEEN DEPRESSION?

The first step in dealing with a teen who may have depression is to understand what contributes to teen depression.

• Lacks self-esteem – May not accept compliments or is defensive when you offer help.

• Bullying at school – Makes comments about altercations with other students or skipping classes to avoid the ones who bully.

• Struggles to fit in with peers and dealing with peer pressure.

• May believe parents do not understand – Comments are, “You just don’t get it.” Or “Everything is fine.”

• Sibling rivalry at home or constantly being compared.

• Frustration with teachers and not feeling supported.

• Navigating their identity and sexuality

• Changes in their body and self-image.

• Exhibiting anxiety about their future from high expectations around academics.

If you suspect your teen is suffering from depression and you offer help, do not take it personally if they are not open to your support.

DAILY STRESS FOR TEENS

Things such as fitting in with peers can play a significant role in their view of how important they are.  If your teen is struggling with bullying, this quantifies these inferior feelings on a large scale. Children with a learning disorder may get made fun of in class, or more in the locker room, the playground, the bus, or gym when teachers are not present. 

If an older sibling at home picks on them, this creates more stress and feelings of low self-worth.  Even younger siblings can generate aggravation in your teen. Frequent fighting among siblings heightens stress levels for teens and other family members as well. 

At school, some teachers may not be as understanding of each teen.  Or maybe there is a subject your child is not fond of, and they associate the issue with the teacher and may skip class.  

With the physiological changes inside their bodies, the additional stresses at school and cultural norms combined is the perfect storm for any teen to navigate.  No matter what your child is facing, you as their parent are their most significant source of support, understanding, and direction. As much as teens may reject help, a parent must remain reliable, consistent, and understanding.  

COMMON SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TO LOOK FOR WITH TEEN DEPRESSION

• Intense emotions (crying spells, angry outbursts, a constant expression of annoyance and frustration) that may appear for no apparent reason.

• They lose interest in previous activities.

• Isolation from friends and family.

• They feel worthless.

• Extremely self-critical or self-blaming.

• Sleeping a lot, having low energy, or continually feeling tired.

• Self-harming behaviors like cutting.

• Acting out or using drugs and alcohol.

• Conflict with friends or family.

• They give less attention to their appearance, including hygiene.

• Struggling academically and having frequent absences.

• Complaints of physical pain such as headaches or body pains.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY TO SUPPORT YOUR TEEN

Let your teen know that you love and accept them no matter what. If your teen is struggling to open up, try in the car, at the table during a meal or when just spending time with them, talk about insignificant subjects at first. Some teens are more receptive in this manner.

When they shut down, let them know you are there when they are ready to talk and don’t take it personally when they won’t. Have more casual conversations with your teen and show an interest in what they share with you for more insight into what is on their minds. Practice the art of active listening. As parents, we may be quick to fix their problems or tell them to get over it. Sometimes lending your ear can mean the world of difference to them.

Ask what areas you can help with for more support. Sometimes teens have a difficult time asking for help or are unsure how to bring it up. Instead of assuming they have it all figured out, keep checking in and asking.

HELPING TEEN DEPRESSION WITH THERAPY

If you’re concerned about your teen, talk to them about it. You need not wait until their symptoms get worse; reach out to a therapist. Our holistic and somatic therapists at Life By Design Therapy are experienced in the struggles for today’s teens. We can provide a safe place for your teen to explore and better understand their struggles with depression. Having this additional point of view will give a better understanding so you can bridge the gaps in the communication and help your teen through their depression. Contact us today for an appointment in Berkeley or Richmond, California.

THERAPY REFLECTIONS

1. What can you do today to show your teen you are available?
2. When was the last time you spent quality time alone with just you and your teen?
3. Have you noticed any of the signs of teen depression in your teen?
4. Are there any conversations you are uncomfortable having with your teen?
5. Are there any emotions your teen exhibits that may trigger you and make it more difficult for you to be present with them?
6. What can you do more of that will show your teen you care about them and love them unconditionally?

---