From Eye Rolls to Heartfelt Conversations: Strengthening the Parent-Teen Connection

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you remember your teenage years? I sure do; the whirlwind of emotions, growth spurts, and eye rolls. It was a challenging time for all of us. As we learned to navigate independence and figure out who we were, our parents probably wondered what was happening in our heads, mainly because it wasn’t “cool” to talk to our parents because they wouldn’t “get it”. Are you experiencing this situation with your own teen? If you are, I’m sure it can feel like a rollercoaster most days. In this blog, I will provide you with tools you can utilize to deepen your connection with your teen and create a safe environment for your relationship to thrive through communication.

Tools for Connecting With Your Teen

“I don’t know what to do anymore” or “Where do I begin?” are some common statements among parents with teens. Let me ask you a question, What are you feeling in those complex moments with your teen? Have you ever been aware of this? Do you ever get flushed, notice your heart rate increasing, or yell? The first place to start with navigating these moments with your teen is becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. 

When you notice you and your teen entering into a conversation remind yourself to be the water to their fire. You can’t fight fire with fire, so approaching with peace, empathy, and awareness will start the conversation off with a solid foundation. If you find that regulating your own emotions is difficult, try incorporating mindfulness into your day. For example, you can start your day by spending 5 minutes journaling, utilizing breathing techniques, and pausing for moments of gratitude throughout the day. 

Step Into Their World 

Empathy is the art of stepping into another's shoes, of experiencing their emotions as if they were your own. For parents, it's the ability to truly grasp the rollercoaster of feelings that adolescents ride daily. You can do this by remembering your teenage years – the excitement, the anxiety, the dreams, and the uncertainties. Your teenager's emotions may be different, but the intensity is familiar. Empathy can create a foundation of safety for your teen to open up with you. 

However, empathy and non-judgment go hand-in-hand and it’s all too easy to slip into judgment when you’re a parent - to impose your experiences and expectations onto your teen's life. When your teenager expresses their thoughts or emotions, resist the urge to label or criticize their experience. Instead, create a haven where they feel free to be vulnerable without fearing criticism or punishment. Your role shifts from being an evaluator to a listener, which fosters an atmosphere of trust and open dialogue.

Pairing empathy and non-judgment with active listening can be the perfect communication cocktail. When your child knows you’re actively listening, it deepens the safety of your relationship, which deepens your connection. To actively listen you must have a mindful and engaged presence that reflects your commitment to understand what your teen might be trying to communicate. This is an opportunity for you to turn off the mental drafts of what you want to say next and be fully present. You can utilize reflective listening as well to confirm to them that they have been heard.

Somatic Techniques and Your Teen

As a teen, there are so many things happening at once within their inner selves. Not only are they learning to navigate a new body, but they’re also learning to navigate feelings and emotions that suddenly come up. Teens often grapple with a variety of feelings, ranging from excitement and curiosity to insecurity and frustration. As they journey through these intricate emotional realms, it's not uncommon for them to struggle with putting these emotions into words. Somatic techniques can be the supportive tool they need to make this connection between their mind and body. When they become more aware of what their body is communicating they will begin to learn how to articulate their emotions and what is occurring within their inner selves. 

Final Thoughts

Building a lasting and loving relationship with your child yields an investment in yourself as well. We encourage you to support your teen by becoming aware of your own body and how it correlates to your emotions. Every step you take, and every conversation you have with your teen is just a brick that is being laid in the foundation of your relationship. We want you to remember that these connection goals take time. While you learn to have patience with your child, we encourage you to have patience with yourself as well.  

Life By Design Therapy is here to support you and your family. If you are interested in learning more about how Somatic and Holistic Therapy can complement your life or your teen's life, we would love to hear from you. Please CLICK HERE to schedule your complimentary consultation and let’s figure out a plan together.  

Additional Resources 

If you would like additional resources on parent-teen communication, check out the reading

1. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke 

2. Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety: A Complete Guide to Your Child's Stressed, Depressed, Expanded, Amazing Adolescence by Dr. John Duffy

3.  How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

4. Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel MD

5. Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall by Anthony E. Wolf

6. The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist's Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Frances E. Jensen

7. Anger Management for Parents: The ultimate guide to understand your triggers, stop losing your temper, master your emotions, and raise confident children by Vivian Foster 

8. "UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World" by Michele Borba

9. The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

10. Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive by Daniel J. Siegel and Mary Hartzell

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

A Parent's Guide: Helping Your Child Overcome Back-to-School Anxiety

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you remember how it felt when you started a new school year? The excitement and nervousness, or maybe even anxiety as you wondered about the new uncharted territory, hoping to make new friends, impress your teachers, and navigate the challenges of being a year older. As this school year started, maybe you’ve had some of those memories resurface as you witness your own child experiencing those same emotions. 

Back-to-school anxiety is perfectly normal, and as a parent, you have the power to be your child’s anchor, guiding them through the feelings of uncertainty with love, understanding, and support. In this blog, we will discuss strategies to support your child through their emotions and foster a positive mindset for the rest of the school year.

Identifying Signs of Back-to-School Anxiety

Back-to-school anxiety is common among students. However, recognizing the signs of anxiety in children is crucial for providing timely support and understanding. Common signs of this type of anxiety can show itself in physical symptoms such as headaches, and stomachaches, or they might say they don’t feel well, especially when school-related discussions come up.  

You might also notice behavioral changes such as increased clinginess, crying, or restlessness. Mood swings, irritability, and changes in sleep patterns can also be a sign that your child is experiencing some anxiety. However, some children may exhibit avoidance behaviors, such as resisting going to school or expressing a strong desire to stay home. Academic performance may also be affected. Your child might have their grades decline or they might become obsessively worried about their school work. 

Therapist Tip: Being attentive to these signals you can provide the necessary support and reassurance to help children cope with their emotions and navigate the back-to-school transition. 

Strategies for Supporting Your Child

1. Establish a Consistent Routine - For those with anxiety, knowing what comes next can provide a sense of stability and predictability. Create space for consistent meal times, study times, and family times. Your child might also need support with creating a routine around hygiene and self-care as well.
   

2. Encourage Expressive Arts & Journaling - Some kids have a difficult time finding the words to use to express how they are feeling. Expressive arts is a great way to release the emotions being felt through music or creating art. Journaling is a supportive tool for those who do not feel like speaking to someone about what they are feeling. Journaling provides a safe space to be fully vulnerable.
   

3. Foster a Growth Mindset - Encourage a growth mindset in your child by emphasizing the importance of learning, growth, and perseverance. Remind them that mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow and that it's okay not to have all the answers right away. This mindset shift can reduce the fear of failure and increase your child's resilience in the face of challenges.
   

4. Introduce Grounding Techniques -Teaching your child grounding techniques can support their emotional regulation for the rest of their life. Practice deep breathing, and meditation, and consider a grounding object that they can carry with them in their pocket to school.
   

5. Collaborate with a Therapist - Open communication is essential for supporting your child through their struggle, however, that doesn’t always come easy. Meeting regularly with a therapist will allow your child to engage in consistent opportunities to be vulnerable in an unbiased, non-judgmental space. 

Final Thoughts 

Supporting your child through their back-to-school anxiety requires patience, understanding, and empathy. By creating a nurturing environment at home and implementing some of the techniques above you can support your child in navigating these unknown territories. Remember that every child’s journey is unique to them, so approach this process with love, support, and flexibility. 

Also, we want to acknowledge that this is challenging and complex for parents as well. Give yourself an empathetic and non-judgmental space as you journey through this side of parenting. If you are needing support as a parent or if your child is needing support, connect with our team. We have qualified therapists who are equipped with the tools you need to move forward on this journey. CLICK HERE to schedule your free phone consultation today. 

Additional Resources 

If you would like additional tools for supporting your child and yourself as a parent, check out the resources below.

1. The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson

2. Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges by Mona Delahooke 

3. How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish 

4. Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children by Reid Wilson and Lynn Lyons

5. The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

6. Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Foster Cline and Jim Fay

7. Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids by Hunter Clarke-Fields MSAE

8. Raising Critical Thinkers: A Parent's Guide to Growing Wise Kids in the Digital Age by Julie Bogart

**Some product links are affiliate links, which means we'll receive a commission if you purchase through our link, at no extra cost to you. Please read the full disclosure here.

Supporting Our Youth: Recognizing the Red Flags of 'Toxic' Parenting"

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As part of our current monthly blog series, we’ve learned about the different factors that can contribute to and impact our teen’s mental health. We’ve also learned what warning signs we should look out for that warrant an immediate connection to a Mental Health professional, as well as what resources to tap into if we suspect that our teen is struggling with their Mental Health. While many of these factors can be created by situations that we have little control over, such as school stressors or peer pressure from friends, some factors can come as a direct result of our interactions as parents.

Many parents are unaware of the ways in which their parenting style or approach may be impacting their teens. Although at times unintentional, certain parenting approaches may negatively impact a teen’s mental and emotional health. Some of the behaviors that negatively impact a teen’s mental health, which at times are labeled as “toxic,” can include:

• Yelling, name-calling, or consistently assigning blame

• Using the “silent treatment” as punishment or gaslighting others to avoid accepting responsibility

• Manipulating emotions by using guilt or shame

• Being overly critical, invading privacy, or attempting to control all aspects of your teen’s life

• Lacking boundaries

Some of these behaviors can be more easily identified than others. While yelling can be easy to recognize, assigning blame or “gaslighting” can be harder to acknowledge or point out. We also know that some of these behaviors may have been learned from our own parents or cultures, which makes it difficult to recognize that they may not be appropriate, or difficult to understand why we shouldn’t use them with our own children.  

Many of us can remember certain statements, actions, or behaviors that our parents or guardians used to exhibit that made us sad, frustrated, or angry. Over time, constant exposure to these behaviors can severely impact a person’s mental health. On the contrary, exposure to empathetic and supportive behaviors can improve their mental health, and foster a relationship that can make it easier for our teens to reach out to us when they need help. These behaviors include, but are not limited to, the following:

• Spending one-on-one time with your teen. This can help provide you with the time and space you need to talk to your teen about what is going on in their lives. Over time, your teen may feel comfortable enough to explain what may be impacting their Mental Health. 

• Listening to your child when they share there is something wrong, and not jumping to solutions or conclusions without discussing it with them first. 

• Having empathy for what your child is going through. While you may not understand why your child feels so strongly about a certain event or circumstance, it is important that you understand and care about what they’re experiencing. 

• Being kind, clear, and consistent when it comes to your teen’s need for privacy and boundaries. 

• Providing your teen with a sense of autonomy and respecting their space. 

• When emotions are high, setting a different time to have a conversation can help minimize the likelihood that you or your child will speak out of anger. Yelling, cursing, or using behaviors such as the silent treatment, are not conducive to having a productive conversation and can lead to hurt feelings. When you create a safe space to speak to your child, you increase your chances of having a more positive outcome. 

Our ability to regulate our emotions, respect our teen’s space, approach their needs in a respectful manner, and have open and honest conversations with them can positively impact our relationship with our teens, as well as their overall Mental Health. If you’d like to learn more about how to adjust your parenting approach to better fit your child’s needs or are in need of support with your own Mental health, please reach out to us by scheduling a phone consultation. 

How to Support Your Teen with Their Depression

By Melody Wright, LMFT

As our children grow into teenagers, they go through many changes that can challenge even the most well-intentioned parents. Some teens deal with pressures with a few difficulties while other teens present symptoms of depression. When parents reach out to their struggling teens, this may lead to a negative outcome to what they intended was support.

While teens are known for their moody and unpredictable behaviors, it is important to distinguish between typical teen behavior and teen depression.

WHAT ARE THE COMMON CONTRIBUTIONS TO TEEN DEPRESSION?

The first step in dealing with a teen who may have depression is to understand what contributes to teen depression.

• Lacks self-esteem – May not accept compliments or is defensive when you offer help.

• Bullying at school – Makes comments about altercations with other students or skipping classes to avoid the ones who bully.

• Struggles to fit in with peers and dealing with peer pressure.

• May believe parents do not understand – Comments are, “You just don’t get it.” Or “Everything is fine.”

• Sibling rivalry at home or constantly being compared.

• Frustration with teachers and not feeling supported.

• Navigating their identity and sexuality

• Changes in their body and self-image.

• Exhibiting anxiety about their future from high expectations around academics.

If you suspect your teen is suffering from depression and you offer help, do not take it personally if they are not open to your support.

DAILY STRESS FOR TEENS

Things such as fitting in with peers can play a significant role in their view of how important they are.  If your teen is struggling with bullying, this quantifies these inferior feelings on a large scale. Children with a learning disorder may get made fun of in class, or more in the locker room, the playground, the bus, or gym when teachers are not present. 

If an older sibling at home picks on them, this creates more stress and feelings of low self-worth.  Even younger siblings can generate aggravation in your teen. Frequent fighting among siblings heightens stress levels for teens and other family members as well. 

At school, some teachers may not be as understanding of each teen.  Or maybe there is a subject your child is not fond of, and they associate the issue with the teacher and may skip class.  

With the physiological changes inside their bodies, the additional stresses at school and cultural norms combined is the perfect storm for any teen to navigate.  No matter what your child is facing, you as their parent are their most significant source of support, understanding, and direction. As much as teens may reject help, a parent must remain reliable, consistent, and understanding.  

COMMON SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS TO LOOK FOR WITH TEEN DEPRESSION

• Intense emotions (crying spells, angry outbursts, a constant expression of annoyance and frustration) that may appear for no apparent reason.

• They lose interest in previous activities.

• Isolation from friends and family.

• They feel worthless.

• Extremely self-critical or self-blaming.

• Sleeping a lot, having low energy, or continually feeling tired.

• Self-harming behaviors like cutting.

• Acting out or using drugs and alcohol.

• Conflict with friends or family.

• They give less attention to their appearance, including hygiene.

• Struggling academically and having frequent absences.

• Complaints of physical pain such as headaches or body pains.

WHAT YOU CAN DO TODAY TO SUPPORT YOUR TEEN

Let your teen know that you love and accept them no matter what. If your teen is struggling to open up, try in the car, at the table during a meal or when just spending time with them, talk about insignificant subjects at first. Some teens are more receptive in this manner.

When they shut down, let them know you are there when they are ready to talk and don’t take it personally when they won’t. Have more casual conversations with your teen and show an interest in what they share with you for more insight into what is on their minds. Practice the art of active listening. As parents, we may be quick to fix their problems or tell them to get over it. Sometimes lending your ear can mean the world of difference to them.

Ask what areas you can help with for more support. Sometimes teens have a difficult time asking for help or are unsure how to bring it up. Instead of assuming they have it all figured out, keep checking in and asking.

HELPING TEEN DEPRESSION WITH THERAPY

If you’re concerned about your teen, talk to them about it. You need not wait until their symptoms get worse; reach out to a therapist. Our holistic and somatic therapists at Life By Design Therapy are experienced in the struggles for today’s teens. We can provide a safe place for your teen to explore and better understand their struggles with depression. Having this additional point of view will give a better understanding so you can bridge the gaps in the communication and help your teen through their depression. Contact us today for an appointment in Berkeley or Richmond, California.

THERAPY REFLECTIONS

1. What can you do today to show your teen you are available?
2. When was the last time you spent quality time alone with just you and your teen?
3. Have you noticed any of the signs of teen depression in your teen?
4. Are there any conversations you are uncomfortable having with your teen?
5. Are there any emotions your teen exhibits that may trigger you and make it more difficult for you to be present with them?
6. What can you do more of that will show your teen you care about them and love them unconditionally?

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