Graceful Discussions: Strategies for Navigating Tricky Family Conversations over the Holiday Season

by Melody Wright, LMFT

For many of us, these next few weeks will be filled with plans to see loved ones or get together with old friends. Depending on limitations that the pandemic has placed in your area, this may be the first time you will be reconnecting with friends and family in a long time. Whether you’re planning to see family in-person or virtually, we want to make sure you feel prepared to interact with people that you may not have seen in a while. 

Seeing family over the holidays sometimes means having to have difficult or uncomfortable conversations, especially after not interacting for months. In an effort to quickly catch up with you, they may start asking questions in true rapid fire fashion; “How have you been?” “How is work going?” or “How is life treating you?” as soon as you walk through the door. While these questions may sound harmless to others, they may bring up certain subjects that you may not be comfortable talking about. A recent change in your relationship status or changes in your physical appearance may prompt additional questions that you may not be ready to answer, and it’s important to recognize which topics may trigger discomfort or other unpleasant feelings for you. 

If you find yourself needing to navigate a difficult conversation with a family member over the holidays, review the strategies below and see which one you are comfortable using:

• Make sure you feel nourished and balanced before a difficult conversation. The act of nourishing yourself can be physical or emotional. Whether it’s making sure that you’ve had your breakfast and coffee, or completing a 5-minute mindfulness exercise before heading over to your loved ones, nourishing yourself can help you respond better to uncomfortable questions. 

• Approach conversations with empathy. Most of the time people mean well when they are asking how you are or want to know about a recent change in your life. When we recognize that others are coming from a place of good and assume positive intent, we are able to respond from a place of empathy rather than defensiveness. 

• Redirect as needed. Some conversations can be emotionally-charged as soon as they begin. If you feel yourself getting worked up or having a clear stress response in your body during a conversation, find an “out” that you are comfortable with. This can be something as simple as excusing yourself to the bathroom to collect your thoughts. Giving yourself a 5-minute pause can give you the break that you need to make a decision about how you want to respond to a conversation. 

• State your boundaries. If you are with a person that you feel you can express your boundaries to, more power to you! It is great to have some phrases ready to help you set these boundaries. This can include phrases such as “I’m not comfortable talking about that, how did you like the apple pie mom made?” or “That’s not something I’m ready to share yet, let me help you carry those plates to the kitchen.” These can help you express your boundary and give you an opportunity to continue with a conversation that you are comfortable having. 
  

Remember that you are under no obligation to have conversations that make you uncomfortable simply to please others. We hope you are looking forward to all of the people you plan to see this holiday season, and that the tips above will help you navigate any difficult conversation that comes your way. If you haven’t already, check-out last year’s blog about coping with family gatherings for more tips and information on how to respond to difficult family members. 

Although we always hope for the best, sometimes these conversations do not always end well regardless of how hard we try to keep them on a positive note. Having to constantly feel uncomfortable in the presence of others may make us reevaluate our relationships with our loved ones. If you’ve decided to end or slowly fade away from a relationship with a loved one and are needing to process that loss, allow us at Life by Design to help. Look out for our upcoming workshops on Loss for more information.

Tips for Coping with Family Gathering During the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays are a time ripe for family gatherings. While those gatherings may look different this year, getting together with family members can present challenges no matter what. 

As much as we appreciate getting to spend time with our loved ones, the holidays often mean spending time with some difficult relatives. This year especially, it could mean spending time with people who don't take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously.

Preparing in advance for the challenges and disappointments you may face during the holidays can help you better cope with this hectic time of year. Here is some advice to keep in mind as you navigate the 2020 holiday season with your family.

How to Handle Difficult Relatives

We all have relatives we would rather avoid whenever possible. Our relationships with some relatives can range from uncomfortable to toxic. Regardless of why you prefer to stay away from a certain relative, the holidays can make it challenging or even impossible to sever contact with that person. That being said, there are still steps you can take to protect your mental health and minimize discomfort during the holiday season.

Set Firm Boundaries

As much as we would love to give people the benefit of the doubt, chances are that your relative is going to behave exactly as you expect them to. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you can at least prepare for how you're going to respond to it. 

The key to setting firm but fair boundaries is to lay down clear ground rules in advance. You may not feel comfortable talking to your relative about their behavior, but you can make it clear to other guests whom you do trust that you would prefer not to discuss a certain topic or have a physical boundary violated. This way, your other family members can back you up when you assert your boundaries.

Asserting your boundaries does not need to mean sparking a conflict. You might be worried about standing up for yourself for fear it will ruin the holidays with an argument -- but oftentimes, saying something as simple as "I'd rather not talk about that right now" or changing the subject is enough for most people to get the hint.

Accept What You Can't Control

As we mentioned before, you can't change your family member's inappropriate behavior. It can be difficult, saddening, or even enraging to confront the idea that your family member may never change. After all, we would all rather have a positive relationship with our relatives whenever possible. 

However, spending time wishing that you had a different relationship with your relatives, or that their behavior was different, does little to actually change the situation. Instead, it's better to focus on the parts of your interactions that you can control. 

You cannot necessarily stop your relative from asking uncomfortable questions or infringing upon your personal boundaries, but you can at least plan for how you will respond to it. While their behavior is not within your control, your reaction to it always is.

Excuse Yourself As Needed

Frequently, it's easier said than done to navigate a difficult family relationship with patience and grace. You are only human, and you cannot blame yourself for becoming angry, uncomfortable, or embarrassed in light of your relative's behavior toward you. What you can do is create an exit strategy in case of an emergency. 

You may be concerned about sparking conflict or losing control of your temper in the event your emotions become overwhelming. If you feel yourself starting to get caught up in uncomfortable emotions, plan to excuse yourself from the conversation -- or even the gathering as a whole. Feigning the need for a bathroom break, or heading to the table for seconds, is a polite but effective way to excuse yourself from an unpleasant family interaction. 

That being said, it may not always be possible to physically leave the presence of your relative, such as during a virtual gathering. In that case, consider mentally excusing yourself for a break: take five deep breaths before returning to the conversation feeling calmer and more collected.

When Guests Won't Follow COVID-19 Rules

This year, the holidays present a unique challenge. Most of the time, dealing with relatives we disagree with can lead to awkward silence or uncomfortable conversations. However, in light of COVID-19, being around relatives who do not take the pandemic seriously could put your health and safety at serious risk. You may find yourself facing difficult decisions as you weigh the pros and cons of getting together with certain family members during the holidays. If you expect that the changes due to COVID-19 will disappoint or anger a particular relative, here's what you can do in advance to cope with the situation at hand. 

Move Your Holiday Gathering Online

Getting together with family over the holidays presents a number of causes for concern. For one thing, there is the question of what precautions to take: will your family be willing to hold their celebrations outdoors, forego certain traditions, or wear masks throughout the festivities? You may also be concerned about the safety of your elderly and immunocompromised relatives, and whether it is worth compromising their health to see them in person during the holidays.

Whatever you and your family decide, it's more than likely that at least one member of your family will disagree over what precautions to take or how careful you should be during the holiday season. Regardless of that person's feelings on the matter, however, it is not worth compromising everyone else's health and safety to accommodate their difference in beliefs.

The safest decision is to hold your holiday celebrations online rather than in-person. While some relatives will undoubtedly disagree with your choice, virtual holiday gatherings eliminate the need for concern over what precautions to take when meeting in person. This way, everyone can stay safe and protect their health -- even if others in the family choose not to wear masks.

Avoid a Debate

Unfortunately, wearing a mask or protecting yourself from COVID-19 has become a political issue, when it should be a health and safety issue. That being said, there's not much we can do about it, other than to accept the situation for what it is. 

When it comes to spending time with loved ones over the holidays, that means acknowledging that someone's opinion on the pandemic cannot be easily swayed. Trying to change your relative's mind about COVID-19 will almost never succeed, but it will almost always spark a debate. Conflict over political issues gets in the way of having a holly jolly holiday season and may upset or disappoint other relatives.

Ultimately, what matters isn't that everyone in your family believes COVID-19 is serious or not, or whether or not they listen to scientists or doctors. Even if you think the right answer is obvious, other people's minds are not so easily changed. The most important thing is that you and your family stay safe. Regardless of whether your relative understands your reasoning or believes in the safety guidelines, you can still be firm with your boundaries to keep yourself and your other family members happy and healthy.

Accept Inevitable Disappointment

If you struggle with people-pleasing, the idea of letting down your relatives this holiday season is probably stressful at best. Nobody wants to disappoint the people they care about -- but when pleasing everyone could come at the expense of another person's health, it isn't worth trying to placate your entire family.

As much as it can hurt to know we are upsetting someone we love, it's important to acknowledge and accept the fact that at least one person will most likely disagree with your decisions. At a time like this, you cannot stave off everyone's disappointment without putting your health and safety at risk. 

Most importantly, you cannot change their emotions through sheer force of will. Some disappointment is inevitable when it comes to canceling beloved holiday traditions or foregoing an in-person celebration -- chances are, you're feeling it, too. Without compromising your boundaries, which you are in no way obligated to do, the most you can do for your loved ones is apologize and commiserate about your shared disappointment.

Regardless of your plans this holiday season or your relationships with your family members, navigating holiday family gatherings in such a challenging time can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Should you find yourself in need of additional support this winter, Life by Design Therapy's expert providers are here for you. Contact us today to schedule a free phone consultation and learn if therapy may be helpful to you this holiday season.

Tips for Celebrating the Holidays Safely During Covid

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Life by Design Therapy wishes all of our clients a happy Thanksgiving and a very merry holiday season! As we approach a long string of winter holidays, COVID-19 is on everyone's minds. The holidays offer an important opportunity to reconnect with family and friends, which we could all use right now given the stress of current events -- but many of us are wondering if it is feasible or even safe to plan a holiday celebration during a global pandemic.

While this year's celebrations may need to look different, we believe it is vital to embrace the holidays as best as we can. After all, the holidays offer opportunities for slowing down, connecting with loved ones, and nourishing our minds, bodies, and spirits with food and festivities -- all of which can contribute positively to our mental health. With that in mind, here are our best tips for celebrating the holidays safely despite the coronavirus pandemic.

Important Guidelines for Celebrating the Holidays

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a set of guidelines for celebrating the holidays safely. To do our part toward slowing the spread of the coronavirus, we should all implement these measures into our holiday celebrations to the best of our ability. Currently, the CDC's guidelines include:

• Celebrating with members of your immediate household or holding a virtual celebration

• Avoid traveling for the holidays as much as possible

• Consider gathering outdoors, as the risk of spread is lower than indoors

• Practice safety measures like hand-washing and mask-wearing at holiday events

• Limit alcohol consumption, which impairs our judgment, making it harder to stick to safety regulations and social distancing

• Do not attend holiday celebrations if you have tested positive for or have symptoms of COVID-19

Here in California, where Life by Design Therapy is located, there is a limited stay-at-home order in effect for certain counties. People who live in high-spread areas are advised to stop all non-essential work and activities and stay home between 10 am and 5 pm. It's unclear how long this order will last or how it might impact your holiday celebrations. You may want to plan a virtual gathering in the event that in-person celebrations are no longer possible.

California has also prohibited all gatherings where more than three households are present until further notice. This means that you can gather with your immediate household and two other households. (College students and family members who don't live with you should be considered members of separate households.) These rules apply to both indoor and outdoor gatherings.

Tips for Celebrating Safely with Loved Ones

Celebrating the holidays during a pandemic does not need to mean isolating yourself from your loved ones or letting go of important traditions. You can still celebrate the holidays safely despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Here are some tips for making the most of your holiday celebrations during this unconventional year:

• Plan virtual celebrations. The safest way to celebrate during the COVID-19 pandemic is online. Best of all, celebrating online means you do not need to leave vulnerable relatives, such as the sick and elderly, out of your celebrations. Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime are great options for connecting with loved ones from the safety of your home.

• Take advantage of modern technology. These days, phone calls and video chat are just the beginning of ways to connect with your loved ones online. Nowadays, there are multiplayer games that can be played by family members across the country and browser extensions for holding synchronized movie nights from afar. Look into what technology is available to make your celebrations more creative.

• Watch movies or television. Normally, the holidays offer an opportunity to get away from the screens -- but watching a favorite holiday movie or the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV is a safe, socially distanced way to enjoy holiday celebrations from afar. Virtual traditions like these are some of the only ones that won't need to change to accommodate the pandemic, so embrace them! 

• Practice gratitude. Thanksgiving and the rest of the winter holidays are a wonderful time to express appreciation for all we have. It can be challenging to feel grateful when it feels like so much has been lost to the pandemic, but the holidays offer an important reminder of all of our blessings. Acknowledging and honoring all the things you have to be grateful for can even boost your mood and improve your overall sense of well-being. 

• Send snail-mail. These days, getting snail-mail is a bit of a novelty. Sending a holiday card is a socially distanced way to let your loved ones know you are thinking of them, especially for elderly relatives who may not feel comfortable using modern technology. Kids may even enjoy crafting their own holiday cards as a way to keep busy on their holiday break.

• Embrace gift-giving. Giving gifts is a time-honored holiday tradition. Right now, sending a gift is one of the safest ways to show a loved one you care about them and are thinking of them during the holidays. For many people, receiving a gift helps them feel appreciated and loved, even if it is small or inexpensive.

• Reach out for support. This time of year, it is normal to experience increased stress or the "holiday blues." It's even more normal to feel this way during a global pandemic that has completely upended the ways we celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Know that there is nothing wrong with needing a bit of extra support as we approach this challenging season. Keep in touch with your support systems in a safe way, and don't be afraid to reach out to a Life by Design Therapy provider if you need professional support to help you through the holidays.