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From Eye Rolls to Heartfelt Conversations: Strengthening the Parent-Teen Connection
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Do you remember your teenage years? I sure do; the whirlwind of emotions, growth spurts, and eye rolls. It was a challenging time for all of us. As we learned to navigate independence and figure out who we were, our parents probably wondered what was happening in our heads, mainly because it wasn’t “cool” to talk to our parents because they wouldn’t “get it”. Are you experiencing this situation with your own teen? If you are, I’m sure it can feel like a rollercoaster most days. In this blog, I will provide you with tools you can utilize to deepen your connection with your teen and create a safe environment for your relationship to thrive through communication.
Tools for Connecting With Your Teen
“I don’t know what to do anymore” or “Where do I begin?” are some common statements among parents with teens. Let me ask you a question, What are you feeling in those complex moments with your teen? Have you ever been aware of this? Do you ever get flushed, notice your heart rate increasing, or yell? The first place to start with navigating these moments with your teen is becoming aware of your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
When you notice you and your teen entering into a conversation remind yourself to be the water to their fire. You can’t fight fire with fire, so approaching with peace, empathy, and awareness will start the conversation off with a solid foundation. If you find that regulating your own emotions is difficult, try incorporating mindfulness into your day. For example, you can start your day by spending 5 minutes journaling, utilizing breathing techniques, and pausing for moments of gratitude throughout the day.
Step Into Their World
Empathy is the art of stepping into another's shoes, of experiencing their emotions as if they were your own. For parents, it's the ability to truly grasp the rollercoaster of feelings that adolescents ride daily. You can do this by remembering your teenage years – the excitement, the anxiety, the dreams, and the uncertainties. Your teenager's emotions may be different, but the intensity is familiar. Empathy can create a foundation of safety for your teen to open up with you.
However, empathy and non-judgment go hand-in-hand and it’s all too easy to slip into judgment when you’re a parent - to impose your experiences and expectations onto your teen's life. When your teenager expresses their thoughts or emotions, resist the urge to label or criticize their experience. Instead, create a haven where they feel free to be vulnerable without fearing criticism or punishment. Your role shifts from being an evaluator to a listener, which fosters an atmosphere of trust and open dialogue.
Pairing empathy and non-judgment with active listening can be the perfect communication cocktail. When your child knows you’re actively listening, it deepens the safety of your relationship, which deepens your connection. To actively listen you must have a mindful and engaged presence that reflects your commitment to understand what your teen might be trying to communicate. This is an opportunity for you to turn off the mental drafts of what you want to say next and be fully present. You can utilize reflective listening as well to confirm to them that they have been heard.
Somatic Techniques and Your Teen
As a teen, there are so many things happening at once within their inner selves. Not only are they learning to navigate a new body, but they’re also learning to navigate feelings and emotions that suddenly come up. Teens often grapple with a variety of feelings, ranging from excitement and curiosity to insecurity and frustration. As they journey through these intricate emotional realms, it's not uncommon for them to struggle with putting these emotions into words. Somatic techniques can be the supportive tool they need to make this connection between their mind and body. When they become more aware of what their body is communicating they will begin to learn how to articulate their emotions and what is occurring within their inner selves.
Final Thoughts
Building a lasting and loving relationship with your child yields an investment in yourself as well. We encourage you to support your teen by becoming aware of your own body and how it correlates to your emotions. Every step you take, and every conversation you have with your teen is just a brick that is being laid in the foundation of your relationship. We want you to remember that these connection goals take time. While you learn to have patience with your child, we encourage you to have patience with yourself as well.
Life By Design Therapy is here to support you and your family. If you are interested in learning more about how Somatic and Holistic Therapy can complement your life or your teen's life, we would love to hear from you. Please CLICK HERE to schedule your complimentary consultation and let’s figure out a plan together.
Additional Resources
If you would like additional resources on parent-teen communication, check out the reading
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Daniel J. Siegel MD
Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall by Anthony E. Wolf
"UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World" by Michele Borba
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Parenting in the Modern World: Tips and Strategies for Keeping Your Child Safe
By Melody Wright, LMFT
Becoming a parent can be one of the most rewarding, exciting, and joyous times in someone’s life. It can also be one of the scariest, overwhelming, and emotional times in a parent’s life – both sets of emotions are valid and can be felt at the same time. Leading up to the arrival of a new baby, many parents talk about things to prepare for such as the cost of childcare, how to set up the nursery, and each parent’s approach to child rearing. Once a child has arrived, many parents realize that there are many important topics that may not have been on their radar prior to the child’s birth. These topics can include addressing issues that occurred during childbirth (traumatic births, unplanned c-sections, etc.), unexpected health concerns for your child, and discussing safety concerns in order to keep a child protected. All of these topics can leave a parent wondering, in a world that is full of unexpected changes and factors, how can I keep my child safe?
Keeping a child safe can look different depending on the context and setting that you’re in. Is your child a newborn? You may be trying to keep them safe from illness or unnecessary exposure to germs. Is your child a teenager? You may be trying to keep your teenager safe from cyberbullying or negative peer pressure. In a perfect world, we would be able to provide protection to our children in all settings and at all ages, yet we know this is not always feasible or realistic. Children need exposure to different settings and situations in order to learn how to navigate the world on their own. That said, we can still do our best to protect our children within certain settings, and teach our children how to stay safe.
Keeping your child safe can include:
Protecting them from illnesses such as RSV, the Flu, or Covid. Encourage your child to wear a mask whenever they are indoors or in crowded places. Talk with your partner about your stance and choice on vaccinations that can protect your child from respiratory and other illnesses. Remind your child to practice basic hand hygiene whenever they touch others or frequently-touched surfaces.
Setting boundaries with friends, family, and loved ones. Our friends and families may have the best intentions for our children, but their intentions may not always be in alignment with our parenting approach. It is important that you relay your expectations to your family members regarding their interactions with your child (no kissing your newborn’s face, asking for consent before hugging your toddler, not making negative comments regarding a challenge your teen is experiencing). If those expectations are not met, then you can decide the level of contact that you’d like to continue to have with this family member.
Teaching your child skills for personal safety. While we always strive to do our best to protect our children from physical harm, we know there will be a day when they will need to learn how to keep themselves safe. Whether you choose to enroll your child in a self-defense class, or use daily interactions to teach your child how to assess for danger, preparing your children to keep themselves safe can put some of your worries at ease.
Additional resources to learn more about child safety can be found here:
Protecting your child from Covid: https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/coronavirus-young-kids.html
General safety tips for children: https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/top-safety-tips-kids
If you find yourself having overwhelming thoughts that your child will be harmed or consistent worries about your child’s health and well-being, you may benefit from speaking to one of our licensed therapists. Parents who have recently welcomed a child into their home can be particularly vulnerable to experiencing a Perinatal Mood Disorder after the delivery of a new child. A mood disorder can significantly affect how often a parent worries for their child’s safety, often to the point of losing sleep or being unable to attune to their child’s needs. Support and information from a mental health provider can begin to reduce a new parent’s concerns and improve their overall mood and attunement. For more information on connecting to one of our licensed therapists, click here.
Play Therapy - Answering Your Questions
by Dr. Nia
Play is often called “the language of children.” How many times have you had a feeling and struggled to put it into words? Like adults, children experience a full range of emotions but they don’t yet have the words to express them. They are still developing the skills to be able to recognize and tolerate their emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones.
Maybe you’ve heard of play therapy but aren’t really sure what it is and how your child can benefit from it. Of course you want the best for your child and want to make sure you are paying for a treatment that will support them. In addition to my work with adults, I’ve been doing play therapy with children for several years. Play therapy is a useful treatment approach due to children’s developmental level. Here are three of the most common questions I receive from parents and caregivers:
1. How is playing with my child actually therapy?
Although it looks different from traditional talk therapy with adults, play therapy with children has many of the same therapeutic benefits such as identifying and expressing feelings, problem-solving, and practicing new skills. These benefits stem from developing a trusting relationship where a child feels safe to express their unique feelings without fear of judgement. Play therapy helps children to deal with their BIG feelings. Play also gives them a level of distance so these feelings don’t feel so overwhelming.
For example, a child of divorce may be feeling distressed but it may be too threatening to talk about directly. In session, the child may use puppets or a dollhouse to play out family conflict. The therapist can observe themes and support the child with identifying the feelings in their play. The therapist might say something like “The child puppet feels scared when the parents argue. He is worried they are angry at him.” The child learns that his feelings are normal and are okay to express. In this way a child learns language to describe and organize his experiences, which reduces distress. The child also learns that he doesn't have to deal with these difficult emotions alone. The therapist can share with the parents that the child may be feeling responsible for the divorce (a common belief in children) and needs reassurance that the divorce is not his fault, the parents will never stop loving him, and they will always keep him safe.
2. What can you really learn about a child through playing?
A therapist who is trained in play therapy can learn so much! Children enjoy getting one-on-one attention from a supportive adult, where they get to be in control (with appropriate limits around safety). This develops a sense of safety and freedom to explore. As such, a therapist gains insight into a child’s perception of the world. For example, during doll play, are the adults and other kids kind and helpful? If so, a therapist might imagine this child feels worthy of love and care and sees other people as supportive. On the other hand, a child may create a scene in which bombs go off without notice (sometimes playfully scaring the therapist!). One possible interpretation is that their world feels scary and unpredictable. It’s important to note here that children often mimic what they see on TV, older siblings, and adults around them. Rather than make interpretations based on one interaction, a child therapist looks for repeated themes. Play gives the therapist a window into the child’s inner world. It can help therapists identify the child and family’s strengths as well as the areas where they may need more support.
3. How can play therapy support my child at home and at school?
By observing and interacting with a child in a safe place, the therapist gathers information about tools that can support the child to be successful in other areas of their life. This information is useful for parents/caregivers, schools, and any other meaningful relationships in the child’s life. Helping adults recognize a child’s emotional needs can help prevent the behaviors that cause frustration for everyone. For example, a therapist may notice a child has difficulty with transitions and needs a few reminders before switching to a new activity. This may help explain why the child has a tantrum at school whenever recess is over or at home when bedtime is announced.
The therapist-child relationship and how it develops can give insight about a child’s relationships with others and with themselves. Does the child have trouble taking turns? This child may need support with social skills or impulse control. Do they become really upset when they lose? A child who cheats in a game may be expressing their feeling that the odds are always against them. This can suggest some points of intervention such as strengthening the child’s self-esteem or supporting them with social communication skills. The therapist can learn about the child’s difficulties and how they are likely impacting their family relationships and their friendships with other children.
I hope this answers your questions and you feel more confident that play therapy is useful for supporting children at home, school, and in their communities.
Take care and be playful!
Further resources:
Association for Play Therapy: https://www.a4pt.org/
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/play-therapy
Play Therapy International: http://playtherapy.org/
