Addressing Anxiety: Practical Steps to Manage Anxiety at Home

By Melody Wright, LMFT

Do you know that approximately 18% of the American population experiences anxiety-related disorders, but only about 37% of the population will access treatment? Recent world events have also created higher levels of anxiety, and accessing treatment outside of the home may pose some challenges depending on your region’s Covid restrictions. Addressing anxiety-related symptoms can look differently depending on the individual. For those that may be experiencing barriers accessing resources for anxiety, there are tools that can be learned to help relieve anxiety from the comfort of your own home. Some of the tools involve techniques related to the physical body, such as icing your vagus nerve, as changes in the physical body can create changes in our mental and emotional wellbeing.  

What is a Vagus nerve?

 The vagus nerve is the main nerve of your parasympathetic nervous system. The parasympathetic nervous system controls body functions such as your heart rate, respiratory rate, digestion, and immune system. When activated, the vagus nerve will send a signal to the parasympathetic nervous system to relax. This will then slow down your heart and respiratory rates. 

How do I “ice” my Vagus nerve?

There are many ways to activate your vagus nerve. You can “ice” your vagus nerve by holding a zip lock bag full of ice cubes on your face, or dipping your face in a bowl with cold water. You can also hold a bag of ice on your chest and lay down for 10 to 15 minutes. Another way to activate your vagus nerve without “icing” it is to practice slow deep breaths.

 Why does icing my Vagus nerve relieve anxiety?

Anxiety will usually trigger the fight or flight response, which will increase our heart rate and speed up our breathing. According to experts, cold temperatures can activate your vagus nerve, which will send signals to your parasympathetic system to relax. These signals will help you slow your heart rate, and as a result your breathing, which counteracts the signals that your body sends to “fight or fly” when experiencing anxiety. 

What else can I do at home to relieve my anxiety?

While icing your vagus nerve can be a great way to reduce your anxiety in the moment, we know this may not always be a practical option for our readers to tap into. If you don’t have a bag of ice readily available, or prefer to alternate between strategies, here are some other tools you can use to reduce your anxiety:

• Shift your focus: Distracting your mind can be a great way to pull yourself out of anxious thoughts and get back to the present moment. You can do this by using the 5-4-3-2-1 method. Find and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. 

• Peel an orange: Certain scents, such as citrus and lavender, can have calming effects on the body. Peeling an orange can help introduce a calming scent to your current environment. 

• Practice Box Breathing: As mentioned before, deep breathing can help activate your vagus nerve. If you’re not familiar with any breathing exercise, try box breathing. To practice box breathing, you inhale for a count of 4, hold your breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold your breath out for a count of 4. Repeat as necessary until you feel a sense of calm. 

These tips and strategies may help temporarily ease anxiety for some of our readers, but they may not adequately address ongoing anxiety and its related symptoms. Engaging in therapeutic services with a mental health professional may be more appropriate for anyone facing challenges with their current coping mechanisms, or individuals that have been experiencing anxiety for a long period of time. If you find yourself needing new strategies to help you address your anxiety levels, we encourage you to book a phone consultation today at Life by Design. Our telehealth services can be a great resource for anyone experiencing barriers with accessing services outside of their home. 

Navigating Grief and Loss During Covid-19

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Losing a loved one can have a strong impact on our lives and wellbeing, but not all losses look the same. Unfortunately, the pandemic has increased our likelihood of experiencing loss. It has also made many of us reevaluate our relationships with friends and loved ones. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a romantic relationship, or choosing to cut ties with a family member, loss can leave us experiencing feelings of grief that can affect our physical and emotional state. 

What is Grief?

“Grief is the intense emotional response to the pain of a loss. It is the reflection of a connection that has been broken. Most important, grief is an emotional, spiritual, and psychological journey to healing. There is wonder in the power of grief.” – David Kessler

You may have heard that grief occurs in stages. While this may be true, it does not mean that the grief process is linear or follows a certain pattern. Everyone experiences grief differently, but having an understanding of your feelings and acknowledging how your body is processing a loss may help you recognize if or when you need outside support to help you heal. 

The traditional stages of grief include the following emotions and actions: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Every person who experiences loss will not experience these stages in the same way. They may go back and forth between stages, or skip stages altogether. No matter what your grief journey looks like, know that there are resources and tools that can help you cope with your grief.  

What can i do to address my grief?

Experiencing a loss can be one of the hardest things a person will experience in their lifetime. While the emotions that come as a result of a loss can sometimes feel overwhelming, know that there are people and strategies that you can tap into when you feel like you need some extra support.

Below are some coping strategies to help support your grief process during COVID-19:

• Give yourself time and grace. The grief process is exactly that, a process. It will take time to address how you feel and what life changes you want to make, if any, as a result of a loss. Take time to honor your feelings associated with your grief, validate them, and understand why they are there. 

• Take care of yourself. Whether this means taking some time off of work to process your feelings, or adding more outside time to your evenings, we encourage you to listen to your body and give it what it needs to feel better. 

• Connect with others. Talking to a friend or joining a support group can create opportunities to connect with others that may help you on your grief journey. Having conversations with friends and peers that have gone through a similar experience may give you an opportunity to gain an outside perspective or hear words of consolation when experiencing loss. 

• Talk to a therapist. If you feel as though your grief is becoming too much for you to process on your own, or you are simply wanting additional support during your grief journey, connecting with a therapist may be a good option for you. A therapist can help provide you with additional tools and strategies that are tailored to your current needs.  

when is it time to seek outside help?

Sometimes the feelings of grief can become too much for someone to process on their own. If you or a loved one is experiencing any of the following, it may be time to seek outside help:

• Isolating or withdrawing yourself from others or your usual activities

• Feeling difficulty focusing on anything that isn’t related to the recent loss

• Feeling like you lack purpose or meaning in life

If you’re looking for more ways to work through pandemic-related grief, look out for our upcoming online workshop, Moving Through Grief: Processing Grief and Loss in a Multilayered Pandemic, to learn more about how to best support your grief process.

Tips for Coping with Family Gathering During the Holidays

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holidays are a time ripe for family gatherings. While those gatherings may look different this year, getting together with family members can present challenges no matter what. 

As much as we appreciate getting to spend time with our loved ones, the holidays often mean spending time with some difficult relatives. This year especially, it could mean spending time with people who don't take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously.

Preparing in advance for the challenges and disappointments you may face during the holidays can help you better cope with this hectic time of year. Here is some advice to keep in mind as you navigate the 2020 holiday season with your family.

How to Handle Difficult Relatives

We all have relatives we would rather avoid whenever possible. Our relationships with some relatives can range from uncomfortable to toxic. Regardless of why you prefer to stay away from a certain relative, the holidays can make it challenging or even impossible to sever contact with that person. That being said, there are still steps you can take to protect your mental health and minimize discomfort during the holiday season.

Set Firm Boundaries

As much as we would love to give people the benefit of the doubt, chances are that your relative is going to behave exactly as you expect them to. You may not be able to change their behavior, but you can at least prepare for how you're going to respond to it. 

The key to setting firm but fair boundaries is to lay down clear ground rules in advance. You may not feel comfortable talking to your relative about their behavior, but you can make it clear to other guests whom you do trust that you would prefer not to discuss a certain topic or have a physical boundary violated. This way, your other family members can back you up when you assert your boundaries.

Asserting your boundaries does not need to mean sparking a conflict. You might be worried about standing up for yourself for fear it will ruin the holidays with an argument -- but oftentimes, saying something as simple as "I'd rather not talk about that right now" or changing the subject is enough for most people to get the hint.

Accept What You Can't Control

As we mentioned before, you can't change your family member's inappropriate behavior. It can be difficult, saddening, or even enraging to confront the idea that your family member may never change. After all, we would all rather have a positive relationship with our relatives whenever possible. 

However, spending time wishing that you had a different relationship with your relatives, or that their behavior was different, does little to actually change the situation. Instead, it's better to focus on the parts of your interactions that you can control. 

You cannot necessarily stop your relative from asking uncomfortable questions or infringing upon your personal boundaries, but you can at least plan for how you will respond to it. While their behavior is not within your control, your reaction to it always is.

Excuse Yourself As Needed

Frequently, it's easier said than done to navigate a difficult family relationship with patience and grace. You are only human, and you cannot blame yourself for becoming angry, uncomfortable, or embarrassed in light of your relative's behavior toward you. What you can do is create an exit strategy in case of an emergency. 

You may be concerned about sparking conflict or losing control of your temper in the event your emotions become overwhelming. If you feel yourself starting to get caught up in uncomfortable emotions, plan to excuse yourself from the conversation -- or even the gathering as a whole. Feigning the need for a bathroom break, or heading to the table for seconds, is a polite but effective way to excuse yourself from an unpleasant family interaction. 

That being said, it may not always be possible to physically leave the presence of your relative, such as during a virtual gathering. In that case, consider mentally excusing yourself for a break: take five deep breaths before returning to the conversation feeling calmer and more collected.

When Guests Won't Follow COVID-19 Rules

This year, the holidays present a unique challenge. Most of the time, dealing with relatives we disagree with can lead to awkward silence or uncomfortable conversations. However, in light of COVID-19, being around relatives who do not take the pandemic seriously could put your health and safety at serious risk. You may find yourself facing difficult decisions as you weigh the pros and cons of getting together with certain family members during the holidays. If you expect that the changes due to COVID-19 will disappoint or anger a particular relative, here's what you can do in advance to cope with the situation at hand. 

Move Your Holiday Gathering Online

Getting together with family over the holidays presents a number of causes for concern. For one thing, there is the question of what precautions to take: will your family be willing to hold their celebrations outdoors, forego certain traditions, or wear masks throughout the festivities? You may also be concerned about the safety of your elderly and immunocompromised relatives, and whether it is worth compromising their health to see them in person during the holidays.

Whatever you and your family decide, it's more than likely that at least one member of your family will disagree over what precautions to take or how careful you should be during the holiday season. Regardless of that person's feelings on the matter, however, it is not worth compromising everyone else's health and safety to accommodate their difference in beliefs.

The safest decision is to hold your holiday celebrations online rather than in-person. While some relatives will undoubtedly disagree with your choice, virtual holiday gatherings eliminate the need for concern over what precautions to take when meeting in person. This way, everyone can stay safe and protect their health -- even if others in the family choose not to wear masks.

Avoid a Debate

Unfortunately, wearing a mask or protecting yourself from COVID-19 has become a political issue, when it should be a health and safety issue. That being said, there's not much we can do about it, other than to accept the situation for what it is. 

When it comes to spending time with loved ones over the holidays, that means acknowledging that someone's opinion on the pandemic cannot be easily swayed. Trying to change your relative's mind about COVID-19 will almost never succeed, but it will almost always spark a debate. Conflict over political issues gets in the way of having a holly jolly holiday season and may upset or disappoint other relatives.

Ultimately, what matters isn't that everyone in your family believes COVID-19 is serious or not, or whether or not they listen to scientists or doctors. Even if you think the right answer is obvious, other people's minds are not so easily changed. The most important thing is that you and your family stay safe. Regardless of whether your relative understands your reasoning or believes in the safety guidelines, you can still be firm with your boundaries to keep yourself and your other family members happy and healthy.

Accept Inevitable Disappointment

If you struggle with people-pleasing, the idea of letting down your relatives this holiday season is probably stressful at best. Nobody wants to disappoint the people they care about -- but when pleasing everyone could come at the expense of another person's health, it isn't worth trying to placate your entire family.

As much as it can hurt to know we are upsetting someone we love, it's important to acknowledge and accept the fact that at least one person will most likely disagree with your decisions. At a time like this, you cannot stave off everyone's disappointment without putting your health and safety at risk. 

Most importantly, you cannot change their emotions through sheer force of will. Some disappointment is inevitable when it comes to canceling beloved holiday traditions or foregoing an in-person celebration -- chances are, you're feeling it, too. Without compromising your boundaries, which you are in no way obligated to do, the most you can do for your loved ones is apologize and commiserate about your shared disappointment.

Regardless of your plans this holiday season or your relationships with your family members, navigating holiday family gatherings in such a challenging time can lead to stress, anxiety, and depression. Should you find yourself in need of additional support this winter, Life by Design Therapy's expert providers are here for you. Contact us today to schedule a free phone consultation and learn if therapy may be helpful to you this holiday season.

Tips for Celebrating the Holidays Safely During Covid

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Life by Design Therapy wishes all of our clients a happy Thanksgiving and a very merry holiday season! As we approach a long string of winter holidays, COVID-19 is on everyone's minds. The holidays offer an important opportunity to reconnect with family and friends, which we could all use right now given the stress of current events -- but many of us are wondering if it is feasible or even safe to plan a holiday celebration during a global pandemic.

While this year's celebrations may need to look different, we believe it is vital to embrace the holidays as best as we can. After all, the holidays offer opportunities for slowing down, connecting with loved ones, and nourishing our minds, bodies, and spirits with food and festivities -- all of which can contribute positively to our mental health. With that in mind, here are our best tips for celebrating the holidays safely despite the coronavirus pandemic.

Important Guidelines for Celebrating the Holidays

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has issued a set of guidelines for celebrating the holidays safely. To do our part toward slowing the spread of the coronavirus, we should all implement these measures into our holiday celebrations to the best of our ability. Currently, the CDC's guidelines include:

• Celebrating with members of your immediate household or holding a virtual celebration

• Avoid traveling for the holidays as much as possible

• Consider gathering outdoors, as the risk of spread is lower than indoors

• Practice safety measures like hand-washing and mask-wearing at holiday events

• Limit alcohol consumption, which impairs our judgment, making it harder to stick to safety regulations and social distancing

• Do not attend holiday celebrations if you have tested positive for or have symptoms of COVID-19

Here in California, where Life by Design Therapy is located, there is a limited stay-at-home order in effect for certain counties. People who live in high-spread areas are advised to stop all non-essential work and activities and stay home between 10 am and 5 pm. It's unclear how long this order will last or how it might impact your holiday celebrations. You may want to plan a virtual gathering in the event that in-person celebrations are no longer possible.

California has also prohibited all gatherings where more than three households are present until further notice. This means that you can gather with your immediate household and two other households. (College students and family members who don't live with you should be considered members of separate households.) These rules apply to both indoor and outdoor gatherings.

Tips for Celebrating Safely with Loved Ones

Celebrating the holidays during a pandemic does not need to mean isolating yourself from your loved ones or letting go of important traditions. You can still celebrate the holidays safely despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Here are some tips for making the most of your holiday celebrations during this unconventional year:

• Plan virtual celebrations. The safest way to celebrate during the COVID-19 pandemic is online. Best of all, celebrating online means you do not need to leave vulnerable relatives, such as the sick and elderly, out of your celebrations. Zoom, Skype, and FaceTime are great options for connecting with loved ones from the safety of your home.

• Take advantage of modern technology. These days, phone calls and video chat are just the beginning of ways to connect with your loved ones online. Nowadays, there are multiplayer games that can be played by family members across the country and browser extensions for holding synchronized movie nights from afar. Look into what technology is available to make your celebrations more creative.

• Watch movies or television. Normally, the holidays offer an opportunity to get away from the screens -- but watching a favorite holiday movie or the Thanksgiving Day parade on TV is a safe, socially distanced way to enjoy holiday celebrations from afar. Virtual traditions like these are some of the only ones that won't need to change to accommodate the pandemic, so embrace them! 

• Practice gratitude. Thanksgiving and the rest of the winter holidays are a wonderful time to express appreciation for all we have. It can be challenging to feel grateful when it feels like so much has been lost to the pandemic, but the holidays offer an important reminder of all of our blessings. Acknowledging and honoring all the things you have to be grateful for can even boost your mood and improve your overall sense of well-being. 

• Send snail-mail. These days, getting snail-mail is a bit of a novelty. Sending a holiday card is a socially distanced way to let your loved ones know you are thinking of them, especially for elderly relatives who may not feel comfortable using modern technology. Kids may even enjoy crafting their own holiday cards as a way to keep busy on their holiday break.

• Embrace gift-giving. Giving gifts is a time-honored holiday tradition. Right now, sending a gift is one of the safest ways to show a loved one you care about them and are thinking of them during the holidays. For many people, receiving a gift helps them feel appreciated and loved, even if it is small or inexpensive.

• Reach out for support. This time of year, it is normal to experience increased stress or the "holiday blues." It's even more normal to feel this way during a global pandemic that has completely upended the ways we celebrate the holidays with family and friends. Know that there is nothing wrong with needing a bit of extra support as we approach this challenging season. Keep in touch with your support systems in a safe way, and don't be afraid to reach out to a Life by Design Therapy provider if you need professional support to help you through the holidays.

How to Embrace the Holiday Season During the Pandemic

by Melody Wright, LMFT

The holiday season is rapidly approaching -- and with the change in seasons, so is the possibility of another wave of COVID-19 cases striking our nation. 

When watching the news, it can be easy to get discouraged by the plans we'll have to cancel and the traditions we won't get to experience. But the presence of a global pandemic does not mean the holidays are cancelled.

This year's celebrations might look different, but we can still enjoy the holidays with family and friends in safe, socially distanced ways. Here's how to navigate the holidays, logistically and emotionally, during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Coping with Change

Whatever your usual holiday traditions, there is a very real chance that your plans may need to change in light of the COVID-19 pandemic. These changes can be challenging in terms of planning, but also to cope with emotionally. 

Some changes might create conflict between you and your family members. People may disagree about the safety measures that should be taken to protect vulnerable family members from the virus. Additionally, limits on the number of people who can gather for the holidays might mean disappointing relatives who didn't make the guest list.

Your safety, and that of your at-risk loved ones, must take the ultimate priority. With that in mind, you may need to make tough choices about who to spend the holidays with, based on the precautions your friends and family are taking to avoid getting sick. But that does not mean these decisions are easy to make, especially when they mean disappointing loved ones.

If you are feeling anxious, sad, angry, or afraid about the changes you will need to make to your holiday celebrations, it's important to acknowledge your emotions. Whatever you are feeling during this trying time is valid. That being said, that does not mean you should give into old or potentially unhealthy coping strategies to deal with these emotions.

People with mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or substance use disorder may find they are triggered by the stress of the pandemic. Understanding that this year's holidays might be more challenging than usual means creating a coping plan ahead of time so that you will not give in to any of your default habits, like abusing substances or avoiding your emotions.

Think about the ways you usually cope with stress.  Do they make you feel better or worse? Are the consequences positive or negative? Then, add some additional habits you want to incorporate -- such as exercising, crafting, meditating, or journaling -- to build into your routine to help you manage holiday stress. By managing your own stress response, you will also be less vulnerable to anger, which may reduce family conflict around the holidays.

Celebrating Safely

The COVID-19 pandemic does not mean you need to cancel your holiday plans, but it does mean you may need to make changes to adapt your celebrations to the most recent safety guidelines issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and other global, federal, state, and local regulatory agencies.

One of the most challenging regulations to deal with is the limit on the number of attendees that can be present at family gatherings. In California, the current rule is that no more than three households can be present at any private gathering. This means that while you can still see your close family around the holidays, you may not be able to hold parties or large gatherings with extended family.

If you want to see your extended family over the holidays, you might consider bringing your annual celebrations online using a video chat platform like Zoom or Skype. You can even get creative with technology: for example, you could plan a virtual movie night using the Teleparty extension for Google Chrome, which allows you to invite friends and family to a synchronized viewing of your favorite holiday film on Netflix.

Many of us have older relatives or relatives who are immunocompromised and worry about whether our holiday celebrations could negatively impact their health. Online celebrations are also a good option for these family members, who can stay safe at home while still avoiding isolation over the holidays. 

However, some elderly family members may not feel comfortable using technology or have access to the kind of technology needed to take part in virtual gatherings. In that case, an old-fashioned phone call or a holiday card sent by snail mail can let your older relative know that you are thinking of them, without putting them at risk of contracting the virus.

Some of us who live far from our families may need to weigh the risks of travel against the benefits of spending the holidays with loved ones. Whenever possible, it is safer to stay home -- but it is understandable that we would not want to feel isolated during such a special time of year. If you do choose to travel over the holidays, make sure you are complying with the latest regulations, such as wearing masks in public areas and social distancing whenever possible.

Navigating the holidays during the COVID-19 pandemic brings new challenges to our winter festivities, but that does not mean we cannot enjoy this time of year with family and friends. Start planning for the holidays now to ensure you can cope effectively and comply with all safety regulations necessary to have a safe and enjoyable celebration. 

And, if you find that you need additional support during this stressful time, remember that Life by Design Therapy is always here for you. Schedule a phone consultation with one of our therapists to help you manage the holiday blues no matter what you're celebrating, without leaving the safety of your home.

Crafting an Effective Work-From-Home Routine: Essential Components for Success

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Picture this: You're at home. Your partner is at home. Your kids are at home -- and feeling cooped up at that. And on top of it all, you're expected to be productive while working from home, as if nothing was going on in your life outside of work.

For many of us, this has become our reality. The changes that COVID-19 has brought have created a huge shift in the way we live our lives, both at home and at work. Many of us are struggling to grocery shop and stay connected with friends, let alone get any work done…. 

But that's okay. One of the benefits of going through a global pandemic (if there are any) is that everyone is going through the same changes that you are! All of our lives have been turned upside down -- and we're all trying to figure this out together.

That brings me to something important that I've discovered: the importance of routine. As our lives are shaken and stirred like a dirty martini, many of us have lost the activities in our life that used to give us structure. Our kids are no longer going to school, we're no longer working from the office and the regular workouts, happy hours and therapy appointments that kept us sane have all been flipped on their head.

I've found that it's important to create our own sense of routine and structure in our lives to bring a sense of control back into the chaos -- and in the interest of sticking together during these trying times, I want to share with you my best tips for creating a work-from-home routine that allows you to be as productive as possible despite the craziness of our lives.

Define clear work (or study) hours.

Working in an office makes it easy to set boundaries: when you're in the office, you're working and when you're home, you're home. These lines easily become blurred when we start working from home -- and soon you may find yourself checking your work email at the dinner table. 

Whether you determine your own work schedule or have set hours, it's important to stick to those hours to create boundaries, even while working from home. When you know when you're working, you're able to be more productive during that time -- and when you know you're off, you're really off, spending time with the people and activities that make you happy.

Schedule time to eat and hydrate!

Now is not the time to neglect basic self-care needs like eating regular meals and drinking water. Make sure you schedule meal times and breaks for coffee, tea and/or water into your day to help you stay happy, healthy and hydrated! 

Get away from the screen.

For many of us, screens are our only way to connect with the world around us. Whether it's Facetiming with a friend or checking in with a family member on social media, I recognize the importance of screen time to maintaining social connections in our new reality. 

Still, that doesn't mean you shouldn't set boundaries when it comes to screen time. Especially given the weight of current events, it's important to schedule time away from our screens -- and away from news of the coronavirus -- for our mental and physical health. Take frequent breaks from your computer, phone or television, and don't hesitate to take an extended break from the news or from social media if needed.

Reach out to friends and family.

Social distancing should not mean social isolation! Humans are naturally social creatures. Social connections are a huge part of what gives our lives meaning, which is why it's important to schedule time to reach out to family and friends during this time. Checking in with family and friends not only benefits you, but also allows you to see how others are doing and offer them much-needed support and encouragement.

Do something you love.

Balance is key when it comes to managing the current world situation. Working 24/7 might seem tempting when your laptop is always a few steps away, but it's important to make time for things that bring you joy. 

What's a hobby you love that you haven't had time to do for the past couple of months? One of the benefits of social distancing is that you now have all the time in the world for the things you love to do! Whether it's reading a book, taking a bubble bath or starting a new creative project -- or, heck, even playing video games -- create space to take care of yourself in these uncertain times.

Slow down and reflect.

There is so much going on in the world around us. The coronavirus situation is evolving rapidly, so quickly that we feel as if we can never keep up. Our bodies and psyches need time to adjust to all this news, uncertainty and trauma. As tempting as it may be to keep pushing forward, your body and mind need time and space to reflect on how you are feeling and how you are being impacted by these changes.

Get enough sleep.

Enough said. You have no excuse to go to bed too late or wake up too early now. Social distancing (and working from home) offers the perfect opportunity to get that full six to eight hours your body has been craving.

Spend time in nature.

When so many of us are feeling cooped up indoors, it's essential to take time to get outside and reconnect with nature. Settling into stagnancy may feel tempting right now, but getting outside and moving your body gently (if you are able to) is one of the most important things you can do for your mind, body and spirit. 

Hopefully, these tips will allow you to build a structured routine into your day, helping you be more productive yet still set boundaries while working from home. Most of all, however, I want to emphasize the importance of showing yourself compassion and kindness during these times. 

Not every day is going to be perfect. You can't expect that from yourself right now. But as long as you're trying your best and showing yourself compassion, you'll be better off.

If you’re needing support, we are here to help. Contact us to learn more about how we can support you right now.

Four Key Practices for Sharing Your "Shelter" During the Stay at Home Order

By Ashley Gregory, LMFT

As many have pointed out recently, “social distancing” does not have to mean keeping ourselves emotionally isolated. The precautions we are being asked to take are more accurately described as “physical distancing.” In fact, emotional connection may be incredibly powerful in getting us all through the uncertainties we face. It is true that the “shelter in place” guidelines mean less opportunities to be physically close with people outside of our household. Yet, perhaps in some ways, we may be open to building deeper intimacy with one another. 

On a walk recently, my partner and I passed by a home that had a sizable front yard with two dogs running around in it. Two women sat on the porch, noticed us, and began a conversation. We introduced ourselves and were delighted to be able to say we are neighbors. Throughout our encounter, we learned that the grandmother was initially visiting for a short time, but plans changed once the “shelter in place” order went into effect. Now, unexpectedly, three generations are sharing a home together for an undetermined amount of time. Families, partners, friends and most likely even acquaintances are navigating various arrangements out of necessity. 

In hopes of creating ease during these difficult times, here are four practices to consider implementing in your relationships. 

1. Be as gentle as you are able with yourself and those you live with. It is okay to be feeling all kinds of confused right now. I was recently reminded that we are all, in some ways, children in this experience.* You and those in your household may need extra space, extra comfort (think pillows, blankets and teddy bears!) or extra uplift (cute baby animal videos?) during this time. Even seemingly small gestures of reassurance may make a big difference. For example, you may want to take a moment to really look at a picture of someone who cares about you. Or remember a time in your life when you felt powerful, grounded or calm to remind you of who you are and what is important to you. 

2. Have difficult conversations in as much in advance as possible. Living with others can be challenging as it is, let alone when there is a public health mandate to stay inside. If you know there are certain “hot button” issues that have been stressful in the past, now is the time to work things out as best you can with the information you have. If you don’t have all of the information you need then it’s okay to wait until you do. Allow yourself to take things one day at a time as much as you are able. You may find ease by acknowledging that you just don’t have the information you need at the moment and making a plan to address the topic when more information is available.

Another approach is to reflect on hard conversations that have gone well before; perhaps those circumstances can be replicated (to some extent) again? Did you start the conversation with a personal check-in? Was it over a meal? What are the details that may create a bit more ease? Even lighting can have a calming effect--candlelight does not have to be reserved for the romantic moments. What about doing an activity together, like a puzzle or a game, after the conversation?

3. Invite curiosity. Everyone’s “stuff” will be heightened at this time. Take space to be curious about and then acknowledge what the “go to” patterns are in the household and name them with one another. Oftentimes, naming our patterns can offer some relief. It can be very vulnerable to talk about patterns of avoidance or shutting down. Again, gentleness for yourself and others can create the space for trust to be built and nourished. 

4. Create household rituals. Amidst all of the chaos of the outside world, how might you and those around you create rituals of care and ease. Do you and the person/s you live with enjoy having tea together? Perhaps saying “good morning” and “goodnight” to one another every day would be a connecting practice? What motivates and inspires you and your shelter-mates? How might these ideas shape your household rituals?

May you bring these ideas into your daily practice in any way that meets your needs. 

*Thank you you to Bonnie Goldstein of Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute

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