Mastering Emotional Expression: 3 Tips for Effective Communication

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Speaking up for yourself is never easy. Even those of us who consider ourselves assertive people sometimes have trouble expressing our emotions clearly and effectively. And it can be even more challenging to speak up when you are worried that you will step on other people's toes, that you will start a conflict, or that you are being overly-sensitive.

In these cases, it's important to remember that speaking up for yourself benefits you and all the other people involved. Repressing our emotions can only create worse problems later, by breeding resentment or causing anger to build up until it explodes. Not to mention, being honest about your emotions paves the way for others to be honest with you as well, deepening your interpersonal relationships.

Even if you recognize the importance of being honest, it can be hard to know where to start when you aren't used to expressing your emotions. Next time, instead of holding in your emotions for fear of offending others, try using these three tips to express your emotions clearly and effectively.

1. Practice Radical Acceptance 

Many times, we repress our emotions due to the beliefs we have internalized about those emotions. For example, many women struggle with anger because they were taught that girls should be tolerant and soft-spoken. Once we learn to let go of those cultural beliefs and radically accept our emotions for what they are, we can express the way we feel without attaching additional meaning to these emotions.

The first step in practicing radical acceptance of your emotions is practicing mindful self-awareness. Notice what thoughts and physical sensations arise in your body without labeling them as "good" or "bad." Approach your emotions with curiosity rather than judgment. By viewing your emotions in this way, you can learn to separate the emotions themselves from the cultural beliefs you may hold about those emotions, which may be affecting your ability to express them constructively.

2. Own Your Emotions

Lots of people hold back their emotions because they are afraid of starting a conflict. But, conflicts most often start because we are placing blame on others for our emotions, rather than taking ownership of the way we feel. There is a huge difference between saying "you make me so angry!" and "I feel angry because…" That nuance bridges the divide between a constructive conversation and an explosive conflict.

Using I-statements -- as in, "I feel sad because...." rather than "you make me feel sad" -- is essential for opening up a dialogue about our emotional experience. Of course, it is natural to sometimes feel defensive when uncomfortable emotions arise in conversation. However, when we approach our emotions through the lens of blaming others, we may hurt their feelings so much that our core message is lost in translation. 

Speaking in I-statements may not come naturally to all of us, but it becomes easier to do once we let go of judgment and begin practicing radical acceptance of our emotions. When we let go of the labels we attach to our emotions, there is no longer a reason to become defensive of our anger, guilt, sadness, or shame.

3. Be Vulnerable

Many of us naturally resist appearing vulnerable to others for a variety of reasons. We may feel uncomfortable when others comfort us, or fear becoming the object of other people's pity. But it's important to understand that without vulnerability, we cannot be fully present in our most valued relationships. Being vulnerable not only allows us to reveal our true selves, but also creates space for others to be vulnerable with us, too. 

Give yourself permission to be vulnerable. Just as you have learned to approach your other emotions without judgment, practice radical acceptance when it comes to vulnerability. Let go of the cultural messages you've internalized about vulnerability and instead, focus on being fully present in your relationships. Vulnerability can feel scary, because we are sacrificing our ability to protect ourselves -- but this is a sacrifice we must make in order to deepen our connections with the people we care about the most.

Sometimes, expressing our emotions can be challenging to do without help, especially when we are so used to suppressing them. In these cases, you may benefit from processing your emotions with a professional, such as one of Life by Design Therapy's qualified clinicians. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you approach your emotions without judgment, take ownership of your emotions, and make space for vulnerability. 

The Healing Power Within: 4 Benefits of Somatic Therapy

by Melody Wright, LMFT

Somatic therapy is an approach to psychotherapy that emphasizes the mind-body connection. 

Somatic therapists recognize that suppressed and unprocessed emotions are often stored in the body, showing up as physical symptoms like muscle pain, headaches, and nausea. Because of this, somatic therapy incorporates body awareness exercises into the healing process. 

Here at Life by Design Therapy, we are passionate about practicing somatic therapy and strong advocates of its benefits for mind and body healing. In this blog post, we discuss four of those benefits, which may help you decide if somatic therapy is right for you.

1. Change your brain, change your life.

Our brains and bodies are creatures of habits. They internalize the thought patterns and belief systems we are taught from an early age. Much like a computer, these become the "programs" that run our lives.

When we experience trauma or emotional distress, our brains and bodies become wired for survival. The fight, flight, fawn, or freeze response becomes the "program" we're running on; however, living life on "survival mode" can quickly get exhausting.

By harnessing the power of the body through somatic therapy, we can rewire our brain's neural pathways to get ourselves out of survival mode and into a conscious state of emotional balance. In this way, somatic therapy can help you take back control of your life from harmful thoughts, beliefs, and patterns.

2. Gain insight into your thoughts and behaviors.

Our bodies communicate with us via sensations. Those aches and pains you may be experiencing are messages from your body that something is wrong. Sometimes, that "something" may be a medical issue, like an injury or illness -- while other times, it may be a sign of unprocessed, stored emotions coming to the surface.

Imagine how much insight you would gain into your thoughts and behaviors if you could translate the messages your body was sending you. How much better could you know yourself if you learned to understand the language your body speaks?

So many of us operate on "autopilot," leading us to live in a constant state of disconnect from our bodies. In this state, we don't pay attention to the messages our body tells us, or we choose to actively ignore them in favor of productivity or other concerns. Yet when we pause to listen to what our body has to tell us, we can gain a lot of insight about the thoughts, beliefs, habits, and behaviors that shape the quality of our relationships with ourselves and others.

3. Get the tools to overcome what's holding you back.

Stored, unprocessed emotions -- which often show up in the body -- hold us back. They prevent us from showing up as the best, most fulfilled versions of ourselves. Hence, somatic therapy isn't just about noticing and interpreting your bodily sensations; it's also about giving you the tools you need to overcome those physical and emotional blocks. 

In order to achieve fulfillment, somatic therapy techniques that help you gain insight into your bodily sensations must be paired with actionable, therapeutic steps toward healing. Recognizing your unprocessed emotions is a start, but simply being aware of these issues does not solve them.

The key to overcoming these barriers is to work through them. One of Life by Design Therapy's somatic therapists can help you achieve this on a mental, physical, and emotional level. At each level of awareness, you will learn tips and tools to help you understand, process, and manage your emotions in real-time, to prevent them from holding you back.

4. Let go of self-judgment.

Finally, somatic experiencing, or noticing our bodily sensations, isn't just about recognizing the way we are feeling. It's also about letting go of the judgmental thoughts we have about our emotions and physical sensations, because our self-talk so deeply influences the way we feel, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

For example -- when your body hurts, how do you speak to yourself? Do you approach the sensation with curiosity, non-judgmentalness, and compassion...or do you criticize yourself by listing all the reasons why you shouldn't allow your physical pain to hold you back? You might even find yourself attempting to ignore or suppress those uncomfortable sensations.

Hence, somatic therapy is also about giving yourself permission to approach your bodily sensations non-judgmentally. Forget assigning physical, mental, or emotional sensations labels like "good" or "bad," and instead invite yourself to observe what you can learn from your body when you approach it with curiosity instead of judgment.